1. I get super excited when ever anyone wishes me Merry Christmas, instead of Happy Holidays. It's like this bubbly feeling that starts in my stomach and just spreads everywhere and I can't help but smile. It's almost here!
2. I get way more excited for Christmas Eve. It's SO much better than Christmas Day.
3. I have to wear a dress on New Years. I fucking HATE wearing dresses, they look like shit on me. Where the hell am I going to find a dress?
4. I can't wait for meatballs and brandy nut brie on Christmas Eve. Maybe throw in a martini or two....or ten.
5. My uncle pisses me off, he's such a douchebag.
6. One of my parents' friends' son just got engaged last week. He's getting married on July 20th, 2007. He's three months younger than me and has only been dating the girl for a year and a half...sometimes I wonder what is happening to us. Are we growing up? It pisses me off that people rush into something as important and sacred as marriage. It isn't a game anymore. It shouldn't be, "Well if it works, great, but if it doesn't there's always divorce." I think a lot of people just want the wedding to be honest, and then realize afterwards that it's FOREVER. Now a wedding is nice (who doesn't love dancing and alcohol and celebrating eternal love), but you have to be prepared for the consequences and can't give up if you hit a bump in the road. No wonder divorce rates are so high. I hate our society.
7. The Millie's Christmas Dinner Party was tonight. Someone hosts the party and cooks a full turkey dinner (gravy and all bitches!) and we all get dressed up and pretend we're 40 while drinking 9 bottles of wine between 10 of us. It rocks. Somehow the conversation always turns to our sex-capades, high school adventures and any embarassing story EVER.
8. I get extremely nervous about giving gifts when people won't tell me what they want. I'm a horrible gift giver, I second guess myself on EVERY purchase and am completely convinced that everybody is going to hate their gift. Gift receipts are my saviour.
9. I love wearing leggings with a skirt or dress because I can cross my legs while sitting down and not worry about flashing everyone.
10. I don't understand you at all sometimes. Why can't you try and see it from my point of view and try to understand? Why is there this double standard? Sometimes you hurt me more than you know.
11. Money is an extremely powerful motivator for me. I do not live my life around money, nor would I do something just because the money's good, but after working this past week I've realized that I value money and the lifestyle it can give me. I use it to feel secure and have a safety net. I am a money-grubbing whore.
12. My grandma is M-E-A-N. But as mad as she makes me all I can do is pity her. She isn't living anymore, she's just existing.
13. I JUST unpacked from coming home. I have WAY too much stuff. I need to do a purge of my closet and dresser, but for some reason I get emotionally attached to clothes and can't throw them away. I have problems.
14. I am going to Tiffany's tomorrow. Even though I don't wear jewelry (just earrings and the occasional ring or necklace) I LOOOOVE looking in good jewelry stores. It makes me wish I wore jewelry or had lots of sparkly things. Shanan and I are going to look at engagements rings and pick ours out....a girl can dream.
15. It's incredible how LOUD all of my high school friends are. It makes me feel like I'm not alone out there....because I'm 'naturally' loud. Yeah. Right.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Amusing Daily Moment
Shanti (English with Sri Lankan accent): "Well they say he got a promotion but I think he got fired. Wow, that woman's hair looks terrible."
(Woman with bad hair looks mildly embarassed.)
Rose (our boss): "Shanti what did you just say about our vice-president?"
Shanti: "Oh my god! You can understand me? Was I speaking in English again?"
Sadly this was the most amusing moment in my day.
(Woman with bad hair looks mildly embarassed.)
Rose (our boss): "Shanti what did you just say about our vice-president?"
Shanti: "Oh my god! You can understand me? Was I speaking in English again?"
Sadly this was the most amusing moment in my day.
Monday, December 18, 2006
The Word Of The Day
I am slowly becoming like my counting machine...dull, robotic and empty-headed...with the occasional screw-up. At work my mind just drifts into nothingness...my brain turns to mush. I often find myself planning my lunch break that is two days away just so that I have something to look forward too...pathetic I know.
Today, for an hour and a half I contemplated why a swear word is a swear word. Why do people think 'fuck' is a bad word and not...'apple' for instance. There is no reason why one word is worse than another. I bet that somewhere along the line somebody just decided to bestow the honour of 'fuck' being a bad word for shigiggles (shits and giggles) and see how everybody reacted. Worked out quite well don't you think. You might say that 'fuck' is a bad word because it sounds vulgar...but this is not so. We were raised to think that it is not a proper word for a proper young lady and therefore it is conditioned to sound vulgar to us. One day I am going to decide that a common word like "pen", "chair", "bag" or "glass" is a bad word...what would people do then. Why do we have 'acceptable' alternatives for the word 'fuck'? Sometimes I just don't understand.
Somebody save me from myself. The fluroescent lights and counting machines (which will soon be my soulmates...as I am turning into one of them) are frying my brain.
Do other people have thoughts like this? Or should I just give up hope now.
Today, for an hour and a half I contemplated why a swear word is a swear word. Why do people think 'fuck' is a bad word and not...'apple' for instance. There is no reason why one word is worse than another. I bet that somewhere along the line somebody just decided to bestow the honour of 'fuck' being a bad word for shigiggles (shits and giggles) and see how everybody reacted. Worked out quite well don't you think. You might say that 'fuck' is a bad word because it sounds vulgar...but this is not so. We were raised to think that it is not a proper word for a proper young lady and therefore it is conditioned to sound vulgar to us. One day I am going to decide that a common word like "pen", "chair", "bag" or "glass" is a bad word...what would people do then. Why do we have 'acceptable' alternatives for the word 'fuck'? Sometimes I just don't understand.
Somebody save me from myself. The fluroescent lights and counting machines (which will soon be my soulmates...as I am turning into one of them) are frying my brain.
Do other people have thoughts like this? Or should I just give up hope now.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Do I Know You? Because You May Know Me...
I always forget my positive attributes.
I don't have any problem noticing and remembering anything negative about myself. But I always find myself surprised whenever somebody pays me a compliment or says something nice about me. Always. Now that I think about it, I find it rather sad. I should be able to think of at least four things about myself that I like. And I can't.
The summer between grades 11 and 12 I went on a month-long trip to England. I did my OAC English credit over there and basically had one of the best times of my life. My teacher over there was inspired to write us (her Millie's class) good-bye notes after I hugged her at dinner on the last night. In it she wrote that she learned from me. I just found this note this afternoon, and I found it amazing that anybody could learn ANYTHING from me. What she wrote touched me and I was startled to realize that they may be true. I need to stop surprising myself.
The things she learned from me:
1) You can never have too many jean skirts. (A rule which I still live by.)
2) Let all the joy inside you bubble out and infect everyone around you. (Do I really infect people?)
3) Smile frequently to show people how beautiful you are. (Didn't have orthodontics since grade two for nothing!)
4) Crying in public is perfectly O.K. (*ahem* yes I may still cry frequently...and in public.)
Why do I need people who are almost strangers to point out good qualities in myself?
I don't have any problem noticing and remembering anything negative about myself. But I always find myself surprised whenever somebody pays me a compliment or says something nice about me. Always. Now that I think about it, I find it rather sad. I should be able to think of at least four things about myself that I like. And I can't.
The summer between grades 11 and 12 I went on a month-long trip to England. I did my OAC English credit over there and basically had one of the best times of my life. My teacher over there was inspired to write us (her Millie's class) good-bye notes after I hugged her at dinner on the last night. In it she wrote that she learned from me. I just found this note this afternoon, and I found it amazing that anybody could learn ANYTHING from me. What she wrote touched me and I was startled to realize that they may be true. I need to stop surprising myself.
The things she learned from me:
1) You can never have too many jean skirts. (A rule which I still live by.)
2) Let all the joy inside you bubble out and infect everyone around you. (Do I really infect people?)
3) Smile frequently to show people how beautiful you are. (Didn't have orthodontics since grade two for nothing!)
4) Crying in public is perfectly O.K. (*ahem* yes I may still cry frequently...and in public.)
Why do I need people who are almost strangers to point out good qualities in myself?
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
A Healthy Level of Insanity
Well, it's exam time again, and for all those on the brink of insanity here are some ideas to just push you over the edge.
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries With That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favours"
7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't Use Any Punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water Whenever You Go Out To Eat...With A Serious Face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-Through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along...At The Opera
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM Scream, "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo Start Running Towards The Parking Lot Yelling, "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. When reading a fortune cookie end it with "in bed".
As you can see, I've already obtained that level of insanity you are all aspiring to reach. I wish you the best of luck.
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries With That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favours"
7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't Use Any Punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water Whenever You Go Out To Eat...With A Serious Face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-Through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along...At The Opera
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM Scream, "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo Start Running Towards The Parking Lot Yelling, "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. When reading a fortune cookie end it with "in bed".
As you can see, I've already obtained that level of insanity you are all aspiring to reach. I wish you the best of luck.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Hello....God?
I'm losing perspective.
I can't see clearly anymore.
It's all hazy.
How can I see through the fog and find my way?
I've forgotten which way I want to go.
I'm lost and I can't remember.
Why did I choose this path?
God, help me find my way.
I can't see clearly anymore.
It's all hazy.
How can I see through the fog and find my way?
I've forgotten which way I want to go.
I'm lost and I can't remember.
Why did I choose this path?
God, help me find my way.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Hey It's OK...
The thing I love most about the magazine Glamour is the page "Hey It's Ok...". I always find something on that page that sometimes I feel guilty about, but it's ok to do. So I present to you, the list of things that you may feel guilty or bad about....but really, it's ok.
Hey, it's OK...
to love candy-canes, mushy Christmas movies and all that other shamelessly seasonal stuff
if you're usually the one who goes in first for a hug
never to have spent the night in a hostel, a tent or an older man's bed. No one ever said you had to be worldly to be happy.
to read three horoscopes, but only one newspaper
to know 100 stress-reduction techniques but still think that slamming the door beats them all
not to go outside all weekend. The world WILL go on without you
not to have settled on a hair colour yet. You've got the rest of your life to sort it out
to hold on to a bunch of bad habits
to get genuinely depressed when your favourite team loses
to consider riding on a swing a form of cardio
to be terrified of spiders. Save your fearlessness for the stuff that matters
to choose the colour before the car model
to want your mom when the going gets tough
if you can't help checking yourself out in all semi-reflective surfaces (cabs, windows, shiny office buildings, ponds)
to argue with him on the first date
to want sex more often than he does. MUCH more often
to turn down the more prestigious job you 'should' take and keep the one you love
if you do not, in fact, want to be the next Martha
to walk by a full-length mirror and think, "hot!"
to find it hard to tell your best friend how much you love her
if you could care less about thread count
to use a different voice when you talk to your pets. That said, very few other humans should EVER hear this voice
if you're one of those people who actually like the holidays. When did we all get so cynical, anyways?
to have a healthy fear of eyelash curlers
to cry in public
to only really look at the pictures that you're in
to know, and tell the whole world EXACTLY what you want for the holidays
not to get it right on the first, second, third or even fourth try
to block out a day to do absolutely nothing, with absolutely no one. It's like deep conditioning for the soul
if you don't tell anyone that the flowers you got are from your mom
to give up on the wine list and just order a beer
to quit worrying about the last five pounds. No one else knows that they exist
not to delete your ex from your cell phone. Just for now
not to argue when someone offers to pick up the check
if you run out of good advice. Most of the time people just want you to listen anyways
to do that annoying Bridget Jones thing and watch him sleep. Just don't get caught, it is a little creepy
to get a secret thrill when you see a celebrity with frown lines
to have some of your deepest, most heartfelt conversations with your dog
not to share your dessert
to pick your doctor because a) he's good, and b) he looks a little like Patrick Dempsey
not to know exactly why you're crying
if you prefer sex with the lights off. You can be proud of your body and still like doing it in the dark
to stop trying to figure out what he meant and just ask
to read his horoscope before yours
not to be a skim milk, dressing on the side, hold the bacon kind of girl
if the only place you've ever had sex is a bedroom
if you're not a cat person...OR a dog person
to get kind of pissed at him for something he did to you in a dream
to be completely truthful about how someone's butt looks in their jeans
not to tell him that you stopped being mad an hour ago
if you're never going to be one of those women who saunter happily around the gym locker room naked
if you're still not sure what your best colour is
to throw out all of your underwear and start over
Hey, it's OK...
to love candy-canes, mushy Christmas movies and all that other shamelessly seasonal stuff
if you're usually the one who goes in first for a hug
never to have spent the night in a hostel, a tent or an older man's bed. No one ever said you had to be worldly to be happy.
to read three horoscopes, but only one newspaper
to know 100 stress-reduction techniques but still think that slamming the door beats them all
not to go outside all weekend. The world WILL go on without you
not to have settled on a hair colour yet. You've got the rest of your life to sort it out
to hold on to a bunch of bad habits
to get genuinely depressed when your favourite team loses
to consider riding on a swing a form of cardio
to be terrified of spiders. Save your fearlessness for the stuff that matters
to choose the colour before the car model
to want your mom when the going gets tough
if you can't help checking yourself out in all semi-reflective surfaces (cabs, windows, shiny office buildings, ponds)
to argue with him on the first date
to want sex more often than he does. MUCH more often
to turn down the more prestigious job you 'should' take and keep the one you love
if you do not, in fact, want to be the next Martha
to walk by a full-length mirror and think, "hot!"
to find it hard to tell your best friend how much you love her
if you could care less about thread count
to use a different voice when you talk to your pets. That said, very few other humans should EVER hear this voice
if you're one of those people who actually like the holidays. When did we all get so cynical, anyways?
to have a healthy fear of eyelash curlers
to cry in public
to only really look at the pictures that you're in
to know, and tell the whole world EXACTLY what you want for the holidays
not to get it right on the first, second, third or even fourth try
to block out a day to do absolutely nothing, with absolutely no one. It's like deep conditioning for the soul
if you don't tell anyone that the flowers you got are from your mom
to give up on the wine list and just order a beer
to quit worrying about the last five pounds. No one else knows that they exist
not to delete your ex from your cell phone. Just for now
not to argue when someone offers to pick up the check
if you run out of good advice. Most of the time people just want you to listen anyways
to do that annoying Bridget Jones thing and watch him sleep. Just don't get caught, it is a little creepy
to get a secret thrill when you see a celebrity with frown lines
to have some of your deepest, most heartfelt conversations with your dog
not to share your dessert
to pick your doctor because a) he's good, and b) he looks a little like Patrick Dempsey
not to know exactly why you're crying
if you prefer sex with the lights off. You can be proud of your body and still like doing it in the dark
to stop trying to figure out what he meant and just ask
to read his horoscope before yours
not to be a skim milk, dressing on the side, hold the bacon kind of girl
if the only place you've ever had sex is a bedroom
if you're not a cat person...OR a dog person
to get kind of pissed at him for something he did to you in a dream
to be completely truthful about how someone's butt looks in their jeans
not to tell him that you stopped being mad an hour ago
if you're never going to be one of those women who saunter happily around the gym locker room naked
if you're still not sure what your best colour is
to throw out all of your underwear and start over
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
One Ticket to Paradise
Please let me escape from this.
I don't want these doubts and expectations anymore.
Take me away from here.
Take me away to a place where I can be myself.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Lest We Forget
In Flanders Field the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields
I pray that mankind is not doomed to repeat the mistakes that we've made.
I hope that one day we can learn from history and not just study it.
I wish that there was tolerance for all religions, and that I wasn't forced to say 'Happy Holidays' instead of 'Merry Christmas'.
I WILL learn from my mistakes. One day. Maybe not today, but one day I will.
Lest We Forget
Monday, November 06, 2006
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
My Rant for the Day...
I hate being told what to do all the time. And I'm so sick of being guilt-tripped into doing things that I don't want to do. There's a reason I don't want to do it and no, you are NOT entitled to know that reason. It's my business. Get out of it.
I am feeling constrained. I get like this every once in awhile. I feel like I need to scream and run and just let everything out. My frustration is making me anxious, worried and extremely bitchy.
People are annoying me WAY more than usual. The eye-rolling has reached a pinnacle. My friend said something so incredibly STUPID the other day that I just had to walk away in order to not yell, "are you fucking serious?" at her. I honestly just don't understand how people can be so stupid sometimes. It baffles me. Does nobody have ANY common sense anymore?
I am tired of people assuming that they know me. Thinking that they can just know all my secrets, my likes and dislikes and they somehow magically know me. You don't. You probably never will.
Stop treating me like a child. When I want to be cuddled and babied, I will let you know. You may then treat me like a child.
Sometimes I just want to grab you and yell. Make you see how ridiculous you are being. Because you ARE ridiculous sometimes. It breaks my heart that you think that and that they made you think that. They are ridiculous too. They definitely need to get over themselves.
I am so tired of my own insecurities. I am tired of looking in the mirror and hating everything I see. I'm sick of hating my body, I'm sick of it. Yet I cannot accept my body for what it is. I am tired of hating myself.
I actually think that I hate you. I need to let that go otherwise it will eat me up inside.
I'm tired of the secrets, the lies and the competition. I don't care if you hate me. I don't like you that much either. Don't pretend to be my friend when you're actually telling me lies.
It's not you that I don't trust. It's them.
I don't want anymore expectations. I am tired of being disappointed and letting down others. Don't tell me you can do something when you can't. Please don't lie to me anymore, my heart can't take it.
I just want to scream.
I am feeling constrained. I get like this every once in awhile. I feel like I need to scream and run and just let everything out. My frustration is making me anxious, worried and extremely bitchy.
People are annoying me WAY more than usual. The eye-rolling has reached a pinnacle. My friend said something so incredibly STUPID the other day that I just had to walk away in order to not yell, "are you fucking serious?" at her. I honestly just don't understand how people can be so stupid sometimes. It baffles me. Does nobody have ANY common sense anymore?
I am tired of people assuming that they know me. Thinking that they can just know all my secrets, my likes and dislikes and they somehow magically know me. You don't. You probably never will.
Stop treating me like a child. When I want to be cuddled and babied, I will let you know. You may then treat me like a child.
Sometimes I just want to grab you and yell. Make you see how ridiculous you are being. Because you ARE ridiculous sometimes. It breaks my heart that you think that and that they made you think that. They are ridiculous too. They definitely need to get over themselves.
I am so tired of my own insecurities. I am tired of looking in the mirror and hating everything I see. I'm sick of hating my body, I'm sick of it. Yet I cannot accept my body for what it is. I am tired of hating myself.
I actually think that I hate you. I need to let that go otherwise it will eat me up inside.
I'm tired of the secrets, the lies and the competition. I don't care if you hate me. I don't like you that much either. Don't pretend to be my friend when you're actually telling me lies.
It's not you that I don't trust. It's them.
I don't want anymore expectations. I am tired of being disappointed and letting down others. Don't tell me you can do something when you can't. Please don't lie to me anymore, my heart can't take it.
I just want to scream.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Hello, My Name Is...
I've always been a worrier. Just like my Daddy.
I'm impatient like my Mom.
I have my mom's nose and hands (mismatched in size and very large), but I have my Daddy's eyes and ears.
I'm paranoid and hesitant like my Aunt. My hair is thick, just like hers.
I sit with one leg bent underneath me like my Grandpa.
I love Blueberry pie and spontaneously baking things like my Gran.
I enjoy being with friends like my Grandma. She loves her rum and cokes.
I like being alone. Just like my Daddy.
But what defines me? What makes me who I am? The combination of these traits...these preferences that I have in life for blueberry pie and sitting with a bent leg? My annoying habit of worrying about things that could never EVER possibly happen or never being able to sit still while waiting for something in my life? Is it my hatred for tomatoes, love of cupcakes, tendancy to cry in movies even though I know what happens, re-read books a thousand times, listen to one song over and over again until I can't stand it anymore.
Do these little quirks make us who we are? This can't be it, there has to be at least a hundred other people who like/dislike the same things that I do, but we're not the same people. Not at all.
Oddly enough this doesn't worry me. Not knowing who I am. I have no calling to go and travel the world in search of myself. Oh sure, I want to travel, but do I think I'll find out who I am in Italy or France or if i'm lucky Egypt? Definitely not. I know what makes me happy and what doesn't. I let other people know too. I'm stubborn and annoying and loud but oddly shy, I enjoy giving people the silent treatment if they piss me off. I can't put up with other people's messes, but can't help making my own.
But I'm also caring, and willing to listen. I'm not generally a bad person even though I don't wish some people well. Sometimes they deserve it. I would willing drive all night to see a friend in need, just like I know my friends would do for me. I support my friends even if I don't agree with their decisions, and I never want to be one of those people who tries to make everybody think the way that I do. Half the fun is arguing with people. I hate it when people mess with my heart. That is unforgiveable. I try not to do the same to others, but I know that I have. And I'm sorry for that, but I don't expect to be forgiven. I don't believe in emotional games and playing hard to get. I am impatient to the point of being obnoxious and I want what I want, when I want it.
Maybe this means I already know who I am.
I'm impatient like my Mom.
I have my mom's nose and hands (mismatched in size and very large), but I have my Daddy's eyes and ears.
I'm paranoid and hesitant like my Aunt. My hair is thick, just like hers.
I sit with one leg bent underneath me like my Grandpa.
I love Blueberry pie and spontaneously baking things like my Gran.
I enjoy being with friends like my Grandma. She loves her rum and cokes.
I like being alone. Just like my Daddy.
But what defines me? What makes me who I am? The combination of these traits...these preferences that I have in life for blueberry pie and sitting with a bent leg? My annoying habit of worrying about things that could never EVER possibly happen or never being able to sit still while waiting for something in my life? Is it my hatred for tomatoes, love of cupcakes, tendancy to cry in movies even though I know what happens, re-read books a thousand times, listen to one song over and over again until I can't stand it anymore.
Do these little quirks make us who we are? This can't be it, there has to be at least a hundred other people who like/dislike the same things that I do, but we're not the same people. Not at all.
Oddly enough this doesn't worry me. Not knowing who I am. I have no calling to go and travel the world in search of myself. Oh sure, I want to travel, but do I think I'll find out who I am in Italy or France or if i'm lucky Egypt? Definitely not. I know what makes me happy and what doesn't. I let other people know too. I'm stubborn and annoying and loud but oddly shy, I enjoy giving people the silent treatment if they piss me off. I can't put up with other people's messes, but can't help making my own.
But I'm also caring, and willing to listen. I'm not generally a bad person even though I don't wish some people well. Sometimes they deserve it. I would willing drive all night to see a friend in need, just like I know my friends would do for me. I support my friends even if I don't agree with their decisions, and I never want to be one of those people who tries to make everybody think the way that I do. Half the fun is arguing with people. I hate it when people mess with my heart. That is unforgiveable. I try not to do the same to others, but I know that I have. And I'm sorry for that, but I don't expect to be forgiven. I don't believe in emotional games and playing hard to get. I am impatient to the point of being obnoxious and I want what I want, when I want it.
Maybe this means I already know who I am.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
If Only...
I have a secret.
But I can't tell you. I wish I could, but I'm so afraid. Everyone would judge me, they wouldn't understand.
This secret weighs down on me. It's such a burden. I hate it.
I wish I didn't have this secret.
But I can't tell you. I wish I could, but I'm so afraid. Everyone would judge me, they wouldn't understand.
This secret weighs down on me. It's such a burden. I hate it.
I wish I didn't have this secret.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
One little phrase can set me off. I'm like a bomb waiting to blow. I know I've always lacked in the patience department, but lately it's just ridiculous. I have never yelled at so many people as in the past week. My new roommate is terrified of me. I'm not sure why I am so emotional lately. Laughing hysterically one minute, crying the next. School is stressful, but not that bad. I feel like a weight is pushing on my shoulders and I can't figure out what it is. Is it my impending doom for my midterm on Monday? The 10 page essay that is only 5 pages as of this minute and due in 9 hours? The fact that I have the rest of my life to plan?
Probably that last one.
Probably that last one.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Did You Ever Really Care?
You are a fucking liar. I have never been so disappointed in someone I considered a friend. I can't believe how cavalierly you treat your friends and are willing to just lose them. I'm not willing to sit back and be taken for granted. Some people have been way too lenient with you. I don't have the patience for that.
You just can't let it go, can you? You are being extremely selfish. Why can't you just be happy for me? You won't be happy for me because you're letting your personal opinions get in the way. Funny how you were so supportive when I thought I liked someone else, but as soon as I REALLY like someone you don't like...not so supportive anymore.
You tell me that you're happy for me, but I can see it in your eyes that you're not. You're lying to my face. Is that what a friend would do? You take cheap shots at my boyfriend and tell me not to trust him. What a shitty thing to put in my head when I've already been cheated on twice. You want me to doubt and question...and I won't. Because I trust him. You're the one who doesn't, and you say you're looking out for me, but really you just want to be right. You want to say "I told you so" with that smug look on your face. But you won't get to say it.
You tell me lies about my best friend, who I love like a sister. You put me on the spot and tell me that she's abandoned you and doesn't contribute anything to your friendship anymore. It's so nice when she tells me that you bitched to her for HOURS about me...and she sat there patiently and listened. What the fuck have you done for your "friendship"? NOTHING. You are a fucking hypocrite. You don't call her, message her, try to talk to her at all. Nice way to repay a friend.
And now you're doing the same thing to me. I'm the one putting all the effort in. Going out of my way to see you, and you act like I've inconvienced you. Well don't worry, I won't be contacting you again. I message you on MSN to get snarky replies, post on your facebook wall to get nothing in return. I'm not going to even bother calling you. Would you even pick up the phone? Tell me what I did to deserve this. Oh wait I know, I'm going out with someone you don't like. Guess what, he doesn't like you too much either...now I see why.
The difference between you and him is that he respects my friendship with you. He never insults you or asks why I spend time with you. He knew that you were my friend and he never tried to change my opinion of you. You're trying to get me to change my opinion of my boyfriend. I won't. You will never see what I see because you don't want to. I don't care. You should at least have tried to make an effort. I thought you did, but you really didn't. You only pretended to care because you thought it would be over quickly. Don't tell me I'm wrong, because I know I'm right. I can't believe it took me this long to realize it.
I know this isn't because we 'broke up'. We were friends for most of the summer. When I needed someone to talk to because I was lonely you were there. And you listened. You cared. So I am 99% sure that this is because I'm going out with someone you don't like. Get over it. I'm sorry that you think it is a reason for our friendship to end. But if that's all it took then were we ever friends in the first place?
You just can't let it go, can you? You are being extremely selfish. Why can't you just be happy for me? You won't be happy for me because you're letting your personal opinions get in the way. Funny how you were so supportive when I thought I liked someone else, but as soon as I REALLY like someone you don't like...not so supportive anymore.
You tell me that you're happy for me, but I can see it in your eyes that you're not. You're lying to my face. Is that what a friend would do? You take cheap shots at my boyfriend and tell me not to trust him. What a shitty thing to put in my head when I've already been cheated on twice. You want me to doubt and question...and I won't. Because I trust him. You're the one who doesn't, and you say you're looking out for me, but really you just want to be right. You want to say "I told you so" with that smug look on your face. But you won't get to say it.
You tell me lies about my best friend, who I love like a sister. You put me on the spot and tell me that she's abandoned you and doesn't contribute anything to your friendship anymore. It's so nice when she tells me that you bitched to her for HOURS about me...and she sat there patiently and listened. What the fuck have you done for your "friendship"? NOTHING. You are a fucking hypocrite. You don't call her, message her, try to talk to her at all. Nice way to repay a friend.
And now you're doing the same thing to me. I'm the one putting all the effort in. Going out of my way to see you, and you act like I've inconvienced you. Well don't worry, I won't be contacting you again. I message you on MSN to get snarky replies, post on your facebook wall to get nothing in return. I'm not going to even bother calling you. Would you even pick up the phone? Tell me what I did to deserve this. Oh wait I know, I'm going out with someone you don't like. Guess what, he doesn't like you too much either...now I see why.
The difference between you and him is that he respects my friendship with you. He never insults you or asks why I spend time with you. He knew that you were my friend and he never tried to change my opinion of you. You're trying to get me to change my opinion of my boyfriend. I won't. You will never see what I see because you don't want to. I don't care. You should at least have tried to make an effort. I thought you did, but you really didn't. You only pretended to care because you thought it would be over quickly. Don't tell me I'm wrong, because I know I'm right. I can't believe it took me this long to realize it.
I know this isn't because we 'broke up'. We were friends for most of the summer. When I needed someone to talk to because I was lonely you were there. And you listened. You cared. So I am 99% sure that this is because I'm going out with someone you don't like. Get over it. I'm sorry that you think it is a reason for our friendship to end. But if that's all it took then were we ever friends in the first place?
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Is the Silence Deafening?
Why do we move so fast? Rushing through life and not appreciating the things that matter is our biggest fault. We put all our energy into work, school, pleasing other people. Why can't we stop and just be still for awhile?
The things that make us happy come last in this messed up version of life. It's true for most people that the little things make life worth living...laughing with a friend, a smile from someone, just being with someone even if it's in silence. What's wrong with silence? A true friend or significant other can appreciate you even when you're quiet. They are just happy to be with you. Everything is so loud. Do we need to be loud to be heard?
Work comes before spending time with family. Money is more important than happiness. School is more important than friendship. I'm not denying that these things are important in life. But when did they become so important that they demand our time more than family, friends...and love?
Time is a precious thing. You don't get it back. Don't let the things that are necessary in life take away time from the things that make you happy. Why are we in such a hurry to grow up?
We'll do it all
Everything on our own
We don't need
Anything or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Chasing Cars
Snow Patrol
Can someone just lay here with me?
The things that make us happy come last in this messed up version of life. It's true for most people that the little things make life worth living...laughing with a friend, a smile from someone, just being with someone even if it's in silence. What's wrong with silence? A true friend or significant other can appreciate you even when you're quiet. They are just happy to be with you. Everything is so loud. Do we need to be loud to be heard?
Work comes before spending time with family. Money is more important than happiness. School is more important than friendship. I'm not denying that these things are important in life. But when did they become so important that they demand our time more than family, friends...and love?
Time is a precious thing. You don't get it back. Don't let the things that are necessary in life take away time from the things that make you happy. Why are we in such a hurry to grow up?
We'll do it all
Everything on our own
We don't need
Anything or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Chasing Cars
Snow Patrol
Can someone just lay here with me?
Monday, October 09, 2006
Three Thanksgiving Dinners May Be a Bit Excessive
As I sit here with my stomach full to the point of bursting (three kinds of pie and cheesecake...I think I overindulged), a semi-sunburnt face from the 4.5 hour car ride home and my mom yelling at me to put my laundry away I realize I am thankful for a lot. And that I have a lot to be thankful for...but I may just take for granted.
I am thankful...
1) for my parents.
2) that I got to spend the weekend up North and bug Tony as much as possible. (You know you love it).
3) that my mom makes the mashed potatoes just the way I like them even though she rolls her eyes when I ask.
4) that I had time to sit on the kitchen counter, eating chocolates, drinking wine and have time to just talk to my mom.
5) for the three Thanksgiving dinners I greedily consumed this weekend. Yes...three.
6) that my shower has water pressure. It's a glorious thing.
7) for moisturizer.
8) for endless hugs and kisses from those that I care about.
9) that my Daddy still squeezes me so tight in a hug that I lose my breathe when I come home from school. I like being missed.
10) for the traffic on the way home because it let me spend more time with you.
11) that I am getting an education.
12) for the fact that more people than me don't know what they want to do with their life.
13) that I get to see my best friend more.
14) for Disney movies, hot chocolate, pillow talks, comfy pajamas, Christmas and ice cream because they won't let us grow up too fast.
15) that I found a housemate who can put up with my mood swings, obsessive compulsive behaviour and random dance parties in the hallway.
16) for every backrub you give me.
17) that my Mommy finished my laundry while I was away.
18) that I don't go out much because it makes those times that we do go out seem that much better.
19) for whip cream.
20) that your family made me feel welcome.
21) that I don't need to know proper English for a Science major. I have no clue what a pronoun is. It seems useless in life. Sorry.
22) that I enjoy one of my classes this semester. Otherwise I'd go nuts.
23) for my health.
24) that Fluffy will be O.K. It wasn't an eraser! It was a rubber door stopper...crazy cat.
25) that I have clothes to keep me warm...and if they fail I have someone to get blankets for me. I'm thankful for that too.
26) that I'm going to the gym more. It helps me to feel better about myself.
27) for my eyesight, hearing, ability to walk, talk and smell, and most importantly the ability to feel. Feel joy, pain, sadness, anger, sinfully happy. If you can't feel sad, then you'll never feel really happy.
28) that I have people who believe in me, because I rarely do. It's nice to know that someone thinks I can do it.
29) for the many options that are available to me in life. I am glad those were provided for me. Too many people don't have options.
30) that I'm alive and can experience life. It can be taken away too easily, or taken for granted. People never appreciate what they have until it's gone. I never want to be that way again.
I am thankful...
1) for my parents.
2) that I got to spend the weekend up North and bug Tony as much as possible. (You know you love it).
3) that my mom makes the mashed potatoes just the way I like them even though she rolls her eyes when I ask.
4) that I had time to sit on the kitchen counter, eating chocolates, drinking wine and have time to just talk to my mom.
5) for the three Thanksgiving dinners I greedily consumed this weekend. Yes...three.
6) that my shower has water pressure. It's a glorious thing.
7) for moisturizer.
8) for endless hugs and kisses from those that I care about.
9) that my Daddy still squeezes me so tight in a hug that I lose my breathe when I come home from school. I like being missed.
10) for the traffic on the way home because it let me spend more time with you.
11) that I am getting an education.
12) for the fact that more people than me don't know what they want to do with their life.
13) that I get to see my best friend more.
14) for Disney movies, hot chocolate, pillow talks, comfy pajamas, Christmas and ice cream because they won't let us grow up too fast.
15) that I found a housemate who can put up with my mood swings, obsessive compulsive behaviour and random dance parties in the hallway.
16) for every backrub you give me.
17) that my Mommy finished my laundry while I was away.
18) that I don't go out much because it makes those times that we do go out seem that much better.
19) for whip cream.
20) that your family made me feel welcome.
21) that I don't need to know proper English for a Science major. I have no clue what a pronoun is. It seems useless in life. Sorry.
22) that I enjoy one of my classes this semester. Otherwise I'd go nuts.
23) for my health.
24) that Fluffy will be O.K. It wasn't an eraser! It was a rubber door stopper...crazy cat.
25) that I have clothes to keep me warm...and if they fail I have someone to get blankets for me. I'm thankful for that too.
26) that I'm going to the gym more. It helps me to feel better about myself.
27) for my eyesight, hearing, ability to walk, talk and smell, and most importantly the ability to feel. Feel joy, pain, sadness, anger, sinfully happy. If you can't feel sad, then you'll never feel really happy.
28) that I have people who believe in me, because I rarely do. It's nice to know that someone thinks I can do it.
29) for the many options that are available to me in life. I am glad those were provided for me. Too many people don't have options.
30) that I'm alive and can experience life. It can be taken away too easily, or taken for granted. People never appreciate what they have until it's gone. I never want to be that way again.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
A Tribute To Fluffy
I remember the first time I saw you at the Humane Society. I was in grade four and had used my charming smile and puppy dog eyes to coerce my parents into letting me get another cat. I was manipulative like that. You were so tiny and fuzzy. So adorable with your one white eye and one grey eye; your little nose pressed against the cage door trying to get closer to me. You clawed my finger that day and I knew immediately that you were the cat I wanted. My parents asked, "Why on earth do you want the only cat that scratched you?", I remember replying, "Because she has an attitude problem just like you say that I have." They laughed and shook their heads, and we adopted you.
My Dad insisted that we name you Fluffy even though I kept repeating that you weren't that fluffy, just really really fuzzy and soft. But the name stuck. I remember you learned your name after only about three weeks of being at home with us. You'd come when we called you and would follow me around the house hoping that I would play with you. When I paid attention to my others cats you'd get jealous and attack them. Such a bully. Funny how when my mom paid attention to other people I would jump around and purposely act like a brat to get her attention. Strange similarity.
I remember in Grade Six we let you out one morning and you didn't come back for five days. I'm pretty sure I cried for those entire five days.
You are our only pet that's ever been sprayed by a skunk. Our only animal that's ever tried to eat a bee and end up getting stung inside your mouth and on your paw (which swelled up to three times it's normal size). The only cat we've had that's caught at least ten mice, five birds (one that was still alive when I released it from your jaws of death) and a baby rabbit while being about 15 pounds overweight. Ever heard of the phrase curiousity killed the cat?
I love how when I come home from school you come running to the front door, meowing your little face off, stomach jiggling all over the place (not so much since your diet, but it still jiggles), and then pretend to be mad at me until I scratch your chin and buy your love back with kitty treats. You still follow me around the house and trip me half the time because you always want to be closer to me. My Dad once said, "She just always want to be with you" and I think it's true. I may even miss you more than my parents sometimes, but don't tell them that. I love how you sleep on the other pillow on my bed and press your furry little forehead against mine at night while you purr. Sometimes you get right under the covers with me and sleep under my bent legs or with your head in my hand or on my stomach. Always purring though. You always seem to know when I'm upset or crying because you somehow always find me and just lie next to me.
I know that some people are going to read this blog and say, "what a loser, it's just a cat" but they don't understand. In my family pets aren't just animals, they become a part of the family. I hate that I didn't even know you were sick or in trouble and that I can't be there while you recover from surgery. I know you'll be fine but I am worried. Please don't eat anymore erasers.
Monday, October 02, 2006
I Got That Feeling...
I felt a shiver run down my spine today when I remembered what you said.
Nobody was able to wipe the smile from my face after that.
You make me happy. Plain and simple.
Nobody was able to wipe the smile from my face after that.
You make me happy. Plain and simple.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Don't Talk About What You Don't Know
I say that it doesn't matter. But it does. I say that I don't care. But I do. It's hard with dislike and judgement pouring in from all sides. All I get is catty comments, bitchy stares and the insincere "oh, hey, good to see you" while rolling your eyes at your friends. You don't even know me, and you don't want to know me. You just want to disapprove. You say that I'm not trying, but you have no idea how hard it is. And I am trying. I wish there was more I could do, but there isn't.
I cried my heart out on Saturday night. The kind of crying where you can't speak, can't breathe, can't think and your whole body shakes. You can't stop it. I've never cried like that before in front of anyone other than my mommy or Trish. I'm glad that someone who cared about me was there to understand and to listen. I have reached my breaking point. I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not you like me. You should be happy, but all you can think about are yourselves. And you should be ashamed of yourselves. I'm done with all of it. It's clear that you'll never approve and I will not live my life waiting for your approval. I don't want to hear from people, "It doesn't matter, they won't last long anyways", because you have NO IDEA what it's like. Or what I'm like. Don't talk about what you don't know.
I cried my heart out on Saturday night. The kind of crying where you can't speak, can't breathe, can't think and your whole body shakes. You can't stop it. I've never cried like that before in front of anyone other than my mommy or Trish. I'm glad that someone who cared about me was there to understand and to listen. I have reached my breaking point. I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not you like me. You should be happy, but all you can think about are yourselves. And you should be ashamed of yourselves. I'm done with all of it. It's clear that you'll never approve and I will not live my life waiting for your approval. I don't want to hear from people, "It doesn't matter, they won't last long anyways", because you have NO IDEA what it's like. Or what I'm like. Don't talk about what you don't know.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
I got this in an e-mail and I just thought that it was completely, totally and heartbreakingly true. I've learned that the people you depend on in life are going to let you down, just like you're going to let them down. What makes a friendship or relationship special is that you forgive each other and move on. Nobody's perfect and it's their imperfections that make us appreciate and love them.
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Water Pressure Can Do a Lot For a Person
1) I am completely and totally socially inept. I don't understand social interaction at all. I don't mind going to parties as long as I know someone, but try to introduce me to new people...most of the time I'll give them a blank stare.
2) I've had a headache on and off for the past three weeks. I can't decide whether it's from school, sleep deprivation or just general life stress.
3) I have a presentation on October 11th. I'm petrified. I hate giving presentations because I'm sure that someone will stand up and yell, "You have NO idea what you're talking about." Which is true. I have no idea what's going on.
4) I didn't realize how much I missed home until I went back to Oakville on Friday. I missed my couch, my bed, my mommy and daddy, my cats, the way my laundry smells, my sheets, my glorious pillow, the hardwood floors and the water pressure in the shower.
5) I am caught in the middle of a group of friends right now. It breaks my heart. They are all so stubborn and proud...unwilling to compromise and see things from the other person's perspective. I feel like I am being forced to choose, and I refuse to do that.
6) I am exhausted lately but have problems sleeping. Although I was out like a light last night...maybe stealing blankets and bed space from someone helps me sleep better at night?
7) We have a dishwasher. You have no idea how happy this makes me. I don't particularly mind doing dishes, but I find that they are a waste of my life.
8) I've realized that I am a jealous person. It's not a good trait. I am working on it...it's slow going but I think I've made improvement.
9) Someone told me that I smile and giggle a lot more lately. It's because I am happy now.
10) I can only make decisions when they don't affect somebody else. I'm scared I might make somebody unhappy. I don't like making people unhappy.
11) I respond well to boundaries and short-term goals. Just tell me what you like and don't like and I'm cool with that. Don't play games with me and leave me guessing. I hate that shit.
12) I find that my obsessive-compulsive side is coming out a bit more now. I'm a little nuts lately. I actually make my bed the EXACT same way everyday. The way I fold the sheet, where I put the pillow while I make my bed, the way the pillows are positioned...I have it down to a fine art. My shower routine is the same everyday. I like routine a little too much I think.
13) People are pissing me off a lot more lately. The stupidity that some people possess amazes me. And yes, I realize that sometimes I say stupid things....but I am not stupid. I am just innocent and naive sometimes. I also do not pay attention to what is going on in the world around me.
14) I have absolutely no idea what to be for Hallowe'en. I don't know why this is bothering me because it is relatively far away. But for some reason it's causing me stress.
15) I just spent a lot of money on clothes I don't need. But they made me happy, so they're worth it.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Why Did I Let You Go Again?
I miss dancing.
I miss that feeling after performing where you can't breathe because you've just poured out your heart and soul into the dance. It takes everything from you and you just want to give it more.
I miss the way that I could control my movement...my muscles and my body. People would have been amazed at the amount of muscle control I used to have. I challenge someone to find me a football or hockey player that can stand with one of their legs extended beside their head and hold it for at least a minute. There probably isn't one. I wish I could still do that.
Oddly enough I miss the pain. Not the bad pain where something is broken or sprained, but the kind of pain that comes from pushing your body to the limit. I love that feeling. No matter what I do I can't seem to get that feeling from anything else.
When I danced every thought left my head and it was pure bliss. You know that routine so well that it becomes part of you and you don't have to think about it. All you have to think about is how it makes you feel. And it made me feel amazing.
I miss learning a new routine, a new technique, a new move, a new form of dance. I remember when I first learned lyrical. I'm pretty sure that I fell in love. It was so beautiful and moving, and all I wanted to do is learn how to move like that. I wish I could still move like that.
I miss the strain on my muscles. The feeling of stretching them until they might snap, but you know you can push yourself further. Or sometimes they just snapped. I don't miss that.
I miss the feeling of pushing off from the ground. Jumping as high as you can. Stretching your legs are far as they'll go. But landing as softly as a leaf falling to the ground. Jumps were my favourite. I loved the feeling of being in the air. I can't jump anymore, when did that happen?
Dance was such a huge part of my life...it was my life. It made me who I was....who I am? 24 hours a week for ten months a year, at least eight routines a year. I dedicated most of my time to it. And then I just dropped it. I quit. It wasn't because I didn't love dancing anymore, I miss it more than anyone could possibly ever know. I don't know why I won't take a class or something. Maybe I'm afraid. Afraid that I've lost my touch...afraid it won't satisfy me......afraid that I'll want more.
All I know is that I miss it. My body misses it.
Why did I let it go?
Friday, September 15, 2006
A Pounding Headache in the First Week of School is Never a Good Thing
I am exhausted. I am stressed. I feel like I'm getting nowhere in life. No matter how much work I do, it feels as though I have barely made a dent. It's the first week of school. Why do I feel like there is so much to do?
I always start out the school year in the opposite way. Totally and completely relaxed. Not caring a bit. Then when midterms rape me in a back alley and steal my wallet I finally get my ass in gear. Maybe it's because...this is it. The last chance for me to prove myself. Prove myself to who you ask? To me. I don't care what anyone else thinks at this point. I just want to know that I can do it. But at what cost? My physical health.......my emotional health? My social life? My friendships and relationships? None of that should have to suffer so that I can feel accomplished academically. Yet...it is. Especially my health.
I need to find a balance. I need time for myself, to do schoolwork, go to the gym, eat, sleep, be with my friends, spend some time with the family. How do I fit all of this into my life? How do those crazy people who have five jobs, are on sports teams, get 95s' and still manage to have a social life do it? I will NEVER be one of those people. I like to have time to myself WAY too much. Oh why am I such a hermit? I have always been horrible at time management. For example, I could be at the gym right now.....but instead I am writing a blog. Good use of time Jaime...A+!!
Lately I feel as though I am being pulled in so many different directions. My sanity is definitely suffering. I get yelled at for going to visit friends in waterloo, I feel guilty for spending time by myself, not doing homework is basically a sin right now to me (not that I even have that much, two of my classes are useless). Why do I have to do what everybody else wants me to do? Pretty sure I should be able to go wherever I want without feeling guilty. Or is that not allowed now either?
All I know is that I'm going to start doing what is best for me and if people can't handle that...then they didn't care that much in the first place.
I always start out the school year in the opposite way. Totally and completely relaxed. Not caring a bit. Then when midterms rape me in a back alley and steal my wallet I finally get my ass in gear. Maybe it's because...this is it. The last chance for me to prove myself. Prove myself to who you ask? To me. I don't care what anyone else thinks at this point. I just want to know that I can do it. But at what cost? My physical health.......my emotional health? My social life? My friendships and relationships? None of that should have to suffer so that I can feel accomplished academically. Yet...it is. Especially my health.
I need to find a balance. I need time for myself, to do schoolwork, go to the gym, eat, sleep, be with my friends, spend some time with the family. How do I fit all of this into my life? How do those crazy people who have five jobs, are on sports teams, get 95s' and still manage to have a social life do it? I will NEVER be one of those people. I like to have time to myself WAY too much. Oh why am I such a hermit? I have always been horrible at time management. For example, I could be at the gym right now.....but instead I am writing a blog. Good use of time Jaime...A+!!
Lately I feel as though I am being pulled in so many different directions. My sanity is definitely suffering. I get yelled at for going to visit friends in waterloo, I feel guilty for spending time by myself, not doing homework is basically a sin right now to me (not that I even have that much, two of my classes are useless). Why do I have to do what everybody else wants me to do? Pretty sure I should be able to go wherever I want without feeling guilty. Or is that not allowed now either?
All I know is that I'm going to start doing what is best for me and if people can't handle that...then they didn't care that much in the first place.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Suddenly I See Why The Hell It Means So Much To Me
The first day of school is today, and I can't sleep. I am too excited, nervous, scared and sad to sleep. There are so many memories and thoughts...I didn't even know I remembered some of this stuff. I remember when four years felt like an eternity. I thought I would never get through it and end up as a vagabond (that was for you Melissa) in Union Station with a sign that says, "Will Dance For Crack". However, it looks like I'm going to get that damn piece of paper. I will be a scientist...a biologist more specifically. It sounds so grown up. I don't want to grow up, but we've all established that. I want to slow down time and savour every minute...every second. Where did the last three years go? They were pretty awesome. I always rolled my eyes whenever someone would say, "You won't even recognize yourself after University, they really are the best years of your life." I understand them now. I'm not even done University and I am so different from the person I used to be.
I used to hate change. I wanted everything to be the same. I've outgrown that mentality now, maybe because I've changed. I realized that it's ok to not know what I want to do for the rest of my life right out of university. Almost nobody knows. It's ok if I want to take a semester off before doing Master's to work and travel. If I don't travel now when the hell am I going to? And I've wanted to go to Europe for as long as I can remember. I will regret it if I don't go, even if it's by myself, I'm going. I never would have done that before.
The best memories I have are of Melissa and I at home. I know, I'm such a loser (maybe that's why I have no stories). We honestly have the best time sitting around doing nothing. That girl can make me laugh so hard I can't breathe. I almost killed her when she had bronchitis and was making her laugh. But it only made us laugh harder. I can still picture her quite clearly curled up on my bed, coughing, laughing, crying and pounding the bed with her fist at the same time. I think she was trying to tell me not to make her laugh...oops. I could not have asked for a better housemate. The more time we spend together the better we get along. I only have one class with her this semester...I will definitely be suffering from separation anxiety. How will I ever survive without her there to bail me out? I'm pretty sure she's the only reason I am still in school. As a housemate, she's seen me at my worst (no make-up anyone? hello, it's not pretty). She knows when I want to be left alone and when I don't. She hates people just as much as I do. Most people bond over the stuff they like....we bonded over the stuff we hate. Sounds weird, but it works for us. I don't know how I'll live alone/without her after this year. We have a new roommate this year, and I'm super excited about it. She seems really nice and friendly. Hopefully it will work out alright.
The most valuble lessons that I've learned at school are not the ones in the classroom, although those ARE important for life. But really, how many times do I need to be taught about PCR, seriously people, it's not that difficult. I've learned more about myself this past year than I could ever have imagined. If I didn't have my friends there supporting me I probably would have fallen apart. I've learned what a true friend is to me now and why I appreciate them. A true friend is the one who sits with you in the bathroom while you're drunk, missing the party and holding your hair back while you're being sick and saying that they don't mind at all. And you know that they don't. They will also agree with you when you say you're not that drunk, but they know that you are. They are just as happy as you when you get good news, and are possibly even more upset when something bad happens because it kills them to see you hurt/sad. They freak out as much as you do when the sketchiest thing EVER happens (you know what I'm talking about). You can get in a fight and bounce back stronger than before because you're both more honest with each other. They understand everything you are thinking just from a look across the room, because they are probably thinking the EXACT same thing. Nothing makes me happier than when Melissa physically attacks me after not seeing me for two days because she missed me, or hearing Trish call me a slut. I used to be pretty cavalier about some friends...letting them drift. I figured that people change and grow apart...which is true. But sometimes it doesn't have to happen. I won't let it happen to the friends that I love and need. I've sworn that I will put the effort in. Some friends have drifted this year in some ways, but we still remain close. I love that we can pick up where we left off and still appreciate each other.
This school year is starting with a lot of changes in my life. One I'm really happy about, but I don't want to jinx it. I think it will be an awesome experience that is needed in my life. It will be good for me. I think I will finally get what I want and need at the same time. All it took to make my decision was the words, "I'll wait for you", a stuffed turtle and some apple pie. Sometimes pie really does hold all the answers.
I can't wait for this year. I am going to try and appreciate every minute.
I used to hate change. I wanted everything to be the same. I've outgrown that mentality now, maybe because I've changed. I realized that it's ok to not know what I want to do for the rest of my life right out of university. Almost nobody knows. It's ok if I want to take a semester off before doing Master's to work and travel. If I don't travel now when the hell am I going to? And I've wanted to go to Europe for as long as I can remember. I will regret it if I don't go, even if it's by myself, I'm going. I never would have done that before.
The best memories I have are of Melissa and I at home. I know, I'm such a loser (maybe that's why I have no stories). We honestly have the best time sitting around doing nothing. That girl can make me laugh so hard I can't breathe. I almost killed her when she had bronchitis and was making her laugh. But it only made us laugh harder. I can still picture her quite clearly curled up on my bed, coughing, laughing, crying and pounding the bed with her fist at the same time. I think she was trying to tell me not to make her laugh...oops. I could not have asked for a better housemate. The more time we spend together the better we get along. I only have one class with her this semester...I will definitely be suffering from separation anxiety. How will I ever survive without her there to bail me out? I'm pretty sure she's the only reason I am still in school. As a housemate, she's seen me at my worst (no make-up anyone? hello, it's not pretty). She knows when I want to be left alone and when I don't. She hates people just as much as I do. Most people bond over the stuff they like....we bonded over the stuff we hate. Sounds weird, but it works for us. I don't know how I'll live alone/without her after this year. We have a new roommate this year, and I'm super excited about it. She seems really nice and friendly. Hopefully it will work out alright.
The most valuble lessons that I've learned at school are not the ones in the classroom, although those ARE important for life. But really, how many times do I need to be taught about PCR, seriously people, it's not that difficult. I've learned more about myself this past year than I could ever have imagined. If I didn't have my friends there supporting me I probably would have fallen apart. I've learned what a true friend is to me now and why I appreciate them. A true friend is the one who sits with you in the bathroom while you're drunk, missing the party and holding your hair back while you're being sick and saying that they don't mind at all. And you know that they don't. They will also agree with you when you say you're not that drunk, but they know that you are. They are just as happy as you when you get good news, and are possibly even more upset when something bad happens because it kills them to see you hurt/sad. They freak out as much as you do when the sketchiest thing EVER happens (you know what I'm talking about). You can get in a fight and bounce back stronger than before because you're both more honest with each other. They understand everything you are thinking just from a look across the room, because they are probably thinking the EXACT same thing. Nothing makes me happier than when Melissa physically attacks me after not seeing me for two days because she missed me, or hearing Trish call me a slut. I used to be pretty cavalier about some friends...letting them drift. I figured that people change and grow apart...which is true. But sometimes it doesn't have to happen. I won't let it happen to the friends that I love and need. I've sworn that I will put the effort in. Some friends have drifted this year in some ways, but we still remain close. I love that we can pick up where we left off and still appreciate each other.
This school year is starting with a lot of changes in my life. One I'm really happy about, but I don't want to jinx it. I think it will be an awesome experience that is needed in my life. It will be good for me. I think I will finally get what I want and need at the same time. All it took to make my decision was the words, "I'll wait for you", a stuffed turtle and some apple pie. Sometimes pie really does hold all the answers.
I can't wait for this year. I am going to try and appreciate every minute.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Failure: 1, Jaime: 0
I have an irrational fear of not being good enough. At anything. Not thin enough, healthy enough, funny, smart, beautiful, modest, confident, sexy enough. If I keep this up, I will never be happy with myself. I always want to be more. If I accomplish something all I can think is, "If I had done this I would have received better results." I can never be happy, because I know I can do more.
I recently got 82 in my summer class, which considering the amount of work I did (next to none), is a relatively decent mark. All I could think was that if I had studied an extra day, done more for the discussions, started those damn assignments earlier...I would have got 85, or maybe even better. I will never be smart enough to please myself. I always want to figure everything out on the first try, and life just doesn't happen that way. Science doesn't happen that way. It is all about trial and error; I doubt I will ever survive in a lab for longer than a week. If I have to re-do a question; think about which experiment to use; take longer on a report than I thought...I am automatically a failure in my mind. Why do I expect so much out of myself?
I will always hate my body. I have come to the conclusion that even if I lost the seven pounds I so desperately feel I need to shed I would find something else to complain about. I've tried to see myself the way other people do. It never works. I eat basically whatever I want...my exercise routine isn't exactly strenuous. I am a size 28. Some people would kill for that. All I can think is that "I used to be a 26 or 27." Mind you I danced approximately 23-24 hours a week, so that definitely had something to do with it. I was younger and had a faster metabolism. Why can't I just accept my body shape?
I feel like I'm not good enough for you. And that I will always leave you wanting more. I don't know why you want me. I don't think I deserve what you do for me, the way you treat me. I don't want to disappoint you. And I don't want to disappoint myself.
It has reached the point where sometimes I don't even bother trying anymore. I am afraid I won't do it right the first time...and then what? What do I think will happen? That the world will stop...or that everybody will be gobsmacked because I couldn't accomplish something on the first try!? It's so ridiculous that if I could I would give myself an exasperated look. My friends and family are happy with who I am (I think....I'll assume so). They are proud of me and what I've accomplished so far...what I've got through, what I've studied...who I've become. I wish I could see what they see.
Why can't I stop being afraid of failure?
I recently got 82 in my summer class, which considering the amount of work I did (next to none), is a relatively decent mark. All I could think was that if I had studied an extra day, done more for the discussions, started those damn assignments earlier...I would have got 85, or maybe even better. I will never be smart enough to please myself. I always want to figure everything out on the first try, and life just doesn't happen that way. Science doesn't happen that way. It is all about trial and error; I doubt I will ever survive in a lab for longer than a week. If I have to re-do a question; think about which experiment to use; take longer on a report than I thought...I am automatically a failure in my mind. Why do I expect so much out of myself?
I will always hate my body. I have come to the conclusion that even if I lost the seven pounds I so desperately feel I need to shed I would find something else to complain about. I've tried to see myself the way other people do. It never works. I eat basically whatever I want...my exercise routine isn't exactly strenuous. I am a size 28. Some people would kill for that. All I can think is that "I used to be a 26 or 27." Mind you I danced approximately 23-24 hours a week, so that definitely had something to do with it. I was younger and had a faster metabolism. Why can't I just accept my body shape?
I feel like I'm not good enough for you. And that I will always leave you wanting more. I don't know why you want me. I don't think I deserve what you do for me, the way you treat me. I don't want to disappoint you. And I don't want to disappoint myself.
It has reached the point where sometimes I don't even bother trying anymore. I am afraid I won't do it right the first time...and then what? What do I think will happen? That the world will stop...or that everybody will be gobsmacked because I couldn't accomplish something on the first try!? It's so ridiculous that if I could I would give myself an exasperated look. My friends and family are happy with who I am (I think....I'll assume so). They are proud of me and what I've accomplished so far...what I've got through, what I've studied...who I've become. I wish I could see what they see.
Why can't I stop being afraid of failure?
Monday, August 28, 2006
My Internal Organs are Having a Raging Debate.
I wish I could still trust myself. My mind is telling me one thing, my heart another. I don't know which to believe, or which to trust. I am consciously trying to protect myself, yet at the same time I'm trying to let go. There used to be a time when my heart and mind were in sync, I had no conflicts...those days are long gone.
I feel like I can't trust my intuition anymore. I don't know what I want, or what I need. I used to know exactly what I wanted, and I never thought about it, I just went for it. I almost always got what I wanted. Now I hesitate. I wonder WHY I want it. I don't feel like I deserve it anymore.
I know why I feel this way. He made me think I didn't deserve it. I never got reassurance...you always left me wondering what I'd done wrong. I always felt inadequate, and that I just wasn't good enough. I was always jealous...always wondering. I could never trust you, I doubted you, so in turn I ended up doubting myself.
I know now that I did nothing wrong. It just wasn't right, it was awful actually. We were so wrong for each other it was just ridiculous. I am glad we broke up. I have found out more about myself because of it and I know it was right. And I know I will be OK.
I am figuring out a way to trust myself again. It is slow going, but I have people to help me and wait for me. I know I can trust them and that they will be there for me. You may have shaken my self-confidence, but I will bounce back, stronger than before. My heart and mind will once again be OK with each other. I can't wait for that day.
I feel like I can't trust my intuition anymore. I don't know what I want, or what I need. I used to know exactly what I wanted, and I never thought about it, I just went for it. I almost always got what I wanted. Now I hesitate. I wonder WHY I want it. I don't feel like I deserve it anymore.
I know why I feel this way. He made me think I didn't deserve it. I never got reassurance...you always left me wondering what I'd done wrong. I always felt inadequate, and that I just wasn't good enough. I was always jealous...always wondering. I could never trust you, I doubted you, so in turn I ended up doubting myself.
I know now that I did nothing wrong. It just wasn't right, it was awful actually. We were so wrong for each other it was just ridiculous. I am glad we broke up. I have found out more about myself because of it and I know it was right. And I know I will be OK.
I am figuring out a way to trust myself again. It is slow going, but I have people to help me and wait for me. I know I can trust them and that they will be there for me. You may have shaken my self-confidence, but I will bounce back, stronger than before. My heart and mind will once again be OK with each other. I can't wait for that day.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
To Mulch, Ben&Jerry's, Aftershock and DTM.
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Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Score One For Peanut Butter and Chocolate.
I love...
anything that has peanut butter and chocolate in it.
Oreo milkshakes.
phone calls from friends.
making people laugh.
lying in bed on a Saturday morning with warm blankets, the window open and nothing to do.
cuddling.
when someone plays with my hair.
hugs.
when you can look into someone's eyes and know that they are thinking the EXACT same thing as you...be it nice or mean.
my cats purr. It's so comforting.
guys shoulders. They are H-O-T.
the way my mommy smells.
reading a really good book. Over and over and over again.
that I have people to protect and defend me.
that my friends support me no matter what.
the smell of freshly cut grass.
chocolate milk.
fudge and beer. Who knew they were a good combination?
cottages. There's just something about them that makes me happy.
laughing until I cry.
my pillow.
when my Daddy hugs me. No other hug can compare.
that my friends let me vent/bitch. And most of the time they join in.
dancing.
Pachabel's Canon. It's beautiful.
knowing that you want me. And that I want you.
when I don't procrastinate.
the feeling after a really good workout.
pie. Almost any kind, but especially strawberry rhubarb or blueberry.
my friends.
when my grandma says something crazy because it makes me giggle to think we'll ALL be like that one day.
knowing that my grandpa is watching over me.
learning. I know, I'm a huge nerd.
my eyes.
my parents.
that I'm comfortable enough with myself to know that I'm totally and completely crazy. But if you call me crazy, I will be extremely offended.
pajamas. They truly are my favourite article of clothing.
that I can be innocent enough to cry when watching the news, but strong enough to stand up for myself.
ice cream.
watching movies with my friends, curled up in pajamas with blankets and pillows. Because you never end up watching the movie.
you.
anything that has peanut butter and chocolate in it.
Oreo milkshakes.
phone calls from friends.
making people laugh.
lying in bed on a Saturday morning with warm blankets, the window open and nothing to do.
cuddling.
when someone plays with my hair.
hugs.
when you can look into someone's eyes and know that they are thinking the EXACT same thing as you...be it nice or mean.
my cats purr. It's so comforting.
guys shoulders. They are H-O-T.
the way my mommy smells.
reading a really good book. Over and over and over again.
that I have people to protect and defend me.
that my friends support me no matter what.
the smell of freshly cut grass.
chocolate milk.
fudge and beer. Who knew they were a good combination?
cottages. There's just something about them that makes me happy.
laughing until I cry.
my pillow.
when my Daddy hugs me. No other hug can compare.
that my friends let me vent/bitch. And most of the time they join in.
dancing.
Pachabel's Canon. It's beautiful.
knowing that you want me. And that I want you.
when I don't procrastinate.
the feeling after a really good workout.
pie. Almost any kind, but especially strawberry rhubarb or blueberry.
my friends.
when my grandma says something crazy because it makes me giggle to think we'll ALL be like that one day.
knowing that my grandpa is watching over me.
learning. I know, I'm a huge nerd.
my eyes.
my parents.
that I'm comfortable enough with myself to know that I'm totally and completely crazy. But if you call me crazy, I will be extremely offended.
pajamas. They truly are my favourite article of clothing.
that I can be innocent enough to cry when watching the news, but strong enough to stand up for myself.
ice cream.
watching movies with my friends, curled up in pajamas with blankets and pillows. Because you never end up watching the movie.
you.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Wants Vs. Needs
The things I need I never want.
I always want what I can't have. It's a challenge.
My life is full of wants, but not necessarily things I need.
The things I want aren't always the things I need.
What happens when you get what you want, but not what you need?
What if you get what you need, but it's not what you want?
How do you combine the two? It is one of life's challenges.
I save money for the things I want, but not the things I need. I'll be damned if I'll spend my own hard earned money on groceries, but I don't mind blowing $285 on a pair of jeans. Figure that one out.
I want to be alone, but I need people around me while I am doing it.
I want constant reassurance about my looks, but I need somebody to look past them and see who I really am. I get pissed off when guys say that I'm hot, yet I need my friends to tell me constantly that they think I'm pretty. How messed up is that? It also pisses my friends off.
I want to believe in myself, but I need to find a way how to do that.
How do I get what I want and what I need at the same time?
I always want what I can't have. It's a challenge.
My life is full of wants, but not necessarily things I need.
The things I want aren't always the things I need.
What happens when you get what you want, but not what you need?
What if you get what you need, but it's not what you want?
How do you combine the two? It is one of life's challenges.
I save money for the things I want, but not the things I need. I'll be damned if I'll spend my own hard earned money on groceries, but I don't mind blowing $285 on a pair of jeans. Figure that one out.
I want to be alone, but I need people around me while I am doing it.
I want constant reassurance about my looks, but I need somebody to look past them and see who I really am. I get pissed off when guys say that I'm hot, yet I need my friends to tell me constantly that they think I'm pretty. How messed up is that? It also pisses my friends off.
I want to believe in myself, but I need to find a way how to do that.
How do I get what I want and what I need at the same time?
Sunday, August 06, 2006
I Am Angry.
I am angry and disappointed in myself right now.
And I'm angry at you.
But mostly I am angry at myself.
I hate that I let myself believe and that I trusted you.
I am angry that you gave me false hope.
I feel betrayed, lost, confused, disappointed and heartbroken.
And angry. Always angry.
I am angry that you didn't pick me.
I am upset that I let myself hope for the impossible.
And I'm angry at you.
But mostly I am angry at myself.
I hate that I let myself believe and that I trusted you.
I am angry that you gave me false hope.
I feel betrayed, lost, confused, disappointed and heartbroken.
And angry. Always angry.
I am angry that you didn't pick me.
I am upset that I let myself hope for the impossible.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
An Emotional Hermit
I think I am becoming an emotional hermit, a recluse if you will. Lately I have found that my emotions are so deep inside me that sometimes even I can't tell what I'm feeling. The only thing I do when I feel emotion is cry. I shrink away when people show emotions in front of me...I shut down. I panic and don't know what to do. I think I have always been quite guarded with my feelings, but lately I feel as though I have retreated inside myself and I'm not coming out. Kind of like a crab.
I have always been careful in who I trust. I am quite open about my life, but only a few people know the dark secrets that really make me who I am. And I don't even think they really know me anyways. I am careful about what I let show. Sometimes I lose control and let things slip...usually in moments of drunkenness. But even though I am an impulsive person I don't usually put myself out there in a vulnerable position. I have before...and I won't be making that mistake again. Most of what I say is carefully thought through, even though it may not seem like it at times. I let people know what I want them to know...let them think what I want them to think. There are very few situations were I don't have tight control of my emotions and most of the time of the entire situation.
I have put a shield around myself for protection. I have been badly burned in the past and I don't particularly wish to repeat the experience. Lately I find myself not trusting anyone, especially my friends. I feel as though I am caught up in a web of lies and I don't know what to believe anymore. There are so many stories, and so little truth that I can't believe a word out of anybody's mouth. People tell me one thing and then I hear from someone else a completely different story. Who should I trust? My answer right now is no one.
I think lately that I have felt the need to protect myself more because I feel abandoned...replaced if you will...not needed. I like to feel needed. Who doesn't? It gives me a purpose in life. It helps me think that if someone needs me here that it isn't all for nothing, that I have made a difference. But lately I don't feel needed at all. Certainly not by most of my friends. This summer has been really difficult for me emotionally. With friendships, relationships and tentative relationships. I have rediscovered a connection I thought I lost, grown apart from most of my friends, almost destroyed a friendship because of dating (thank god we're pulling through that) and I've been burned by a friend. Bad.
It is getting to a point where I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't want to confront my emotions, and I certainly don't want to deal with anyone else's feelings. I know, how selfish of me. But lately it seems as though nobody has any regard for my feelings, so why should I care about theirs? Friends say they understand, but they are the ones causing these feelings. So they don't. And maybe they can't. Who knows.
All I know is that I've lost so much trust in people, in my friends really, that I won't be letting anybody in anytime soon. I don't want to. I feel as though I've had enough. And I believe I have.
Gaining my trust is hard enough...but trying to get it back after it's been lost is nearly impossible.
I have always been careful in who I trust. I am quite open about my life, but only a few people know the dark secrets that really make me who I am. And I don't even think they really know me anyways. I am careful about what I let show. Sometimes I lose control and let things slip...usually in moments of drunkenness. But even though I am an impulsive person I don't usually put myself out there in a vulnerable position. I have before...and I won't be making that mistake again. Most of what I say is carefully thought through, even though it may not seem like it at times. I let people know what I want them to know...let them think what I want them to think. There are very few situations were I don't have tight control of my emotions and most of the time of the entire situation.
I have put a shield around myself for protection. I have been badly burned in the past and I don't particularly wish to repeat the experience. Lately I find myself not trusting anyone, especially my friends. I feel as though I am caught up in a web of lies and I don't know what to believe anymore. There are so many stories, and so little truth that I can't believe a word out of anybody's mouth. People tell me one thing and then I hear from someone else a completely different story. Who should I trust? My answer right now is no one.
I think lately that I have felt the need to protect myself more because I feel abandoned...replaced if you will...not needed. I like to feel needed. Who doesn't? It gives me a purpose in life. It helps me think that if someone needs me here that it isn't all for nothing, that I have made a difference. But lately I don't feel needed at all. Certainly not by most of my friends. This summer has been really difficult for me emotionally. With friendships, relationships and tentative relationships. I have rediscovered a connection I thought I lost, grown apart from most of my friends, almost destroyed a friendship because of dating (thank god we're pulling through that) and I've been burned by a friend. Bad.
It is getting to a point where I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't want to confront my emotions, and I certainly don't want to deal with anyone else's feelings. I know, how selfish of me. But lately it seems as though nobody has any regard for my feelings, so why should I care about theirs? Friends say they understand, but they are the ones causing these feelings. So they don't. And maybe they can't. Who knows.
All I know is that I've lost so much trust in people, in my friends really, that I won't be letting anybody in anytime soon. I don't want to. I feel as though I've had enough. And I believe I have.
Gaining my trust is hard enough...but trying to get it back after it's been lost is nearly impossible.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Hope
Everyone needs a little hope in their lives. It's probably one of the most important things in life. If you don't hope for something more then you will never achieve anything. Everything would just be at a stand still. Hope gives people motivation. But in the end is hope just wanting something that you can't have?
Lately I have found myself hoping for a lot of things, most of them not possible. Am I just expecting too much out of life? Everyone knows that life is unfair, it's a lesson learned at an ungodly young age, but when you hope for something, isn't the sky the limit? But does hoping mean that it will come true? Definitely not. So why do I expect everything that I hope for to just miracuously happen? Am I hoping for the impossible? Or am I just hoping for something that deep down I know won't come true so I won't have to deal with it?
Still lately I have found myself just disappointed in a lot of things...a lot of people. Are they changing or are my expectations too high? Maybe I am just putting my faith in the wrong people. Hoping that they will realize their mistakes before it is too late. Then again, who realizes a mistake before it is too late? No one. Sometimes I wish I could squish that little bubble of hope that I get in my stomach (you all know what I'm talking about), just so that I won't end up feeling disappointed. Even when I KNOW something isn't going to happen, or someone isn't going to call me, I still get that damn bubble of hope. And each time I'm let down it hurts a little more, that bubble of hope gets a little smaller.
It is still important to have hope in your life, but do you need to be selective about what you hope for? I didn't used to think so, but as I get older and life seems to get more unfair, it seems that it may be true.
In the end does hope only lead to disappointment?
Lately I have found myself hoping for a lot of things, most of them not possible. Am I just expecting too much out of life? Everyone knows that life is unfair, it's a lesson learned at an ungodly young age, but when you hope for something, isn't the sky the limit? But does hoping mean that it will come true? Definitely not. So why do I expect everything that I hope for to just miracuously happen? Am I hoping for the impossible? Or am I just hoping for something that deep down I know won't come true so I won't have to deal with it?
Still lately I have found myself just disappointed in a lot of things...a lot of people. Are they changing or are my expectations too high? Maybe I am just putting my faith in the wrong people. Hoping that they will realize their mistakes before it is too late. Then again, who realizes a mistake before it is too late? No one. Sometimes I wish I could squish that little bubble of hope that I get in my stomach (you all know what I'm talking about), just so that I won't end up feeling disappointed. Even when I KNOW something isn't going to happen, or someone isn't going to call me, I still get that damn bubble of hope. And each time I'm let down it hurts a little more, that bubble of hope gets a little smaller.
It is still important to have hope in your life, but do you need to be selective about what you hope for? I didn't used to think so, but as I get older and life seems to get more unfair, it seems that it may be true.
In the end does hope only lead to disappointment?
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Things I've Learned...continued.
So for my very first blog I made a list of things that I have learned in life. It turns out that I have learned more than I thought, which is probably a good thing. If I had only learned 30 things in 22 years of life...well, that would be kind of sad, don't you agree? So I have decided to expand/add to my list of life lessons (is 22 years a life? who knows).
I've learned that...
1) ice cream can't cure everything...but it sure does taste good.
2) sunscreen is my soulmate.
3) I am extremely impulsive and indulgent...almost to the point of recklessness.
4) to most people you are replaceable...even disposable, but to a precious few you are irreplaceable.
5) I inherited my lack of patience from my mother.
6) I hate it when someone says they 'know me'...and they really couldn't have a clue.
7) some people are just better off as friends.
8) you can never rely on beauty...it will fade.
9) you can't expect someone to know you if you don't know yourself.
10) our society is too focused on what's on the outside.
11) I am not as obsessed with shopping as everyone thinks.
12) I hate working. Period. End of story.
13) if someone tells me to do something...I will refuse to do it. But if I'm left alone, I will do it without being told. For example, the more someone complains about me not calling them...the more I refuse to call.
14) my intuition is usually right.
15) I don't regret many things that I've done, but I regret things that I didn't do or say.
16) I use money as a way of feeling secure.
17) living with a friend can ruin a friendship.
18) most days I feel like the statue. (you know...the whole 'some days you're the statue, some days you're the pigeon' thing)
19) 90% of my first impressions are wrong. And I'm glad.
20) I have ridiculously high expectations of myself.
21) if I can't get it right on the first try I will usually give up. That is a bad thing.
22) it is WAY too easy to break someone's heart...or have yours broken.
23) I am extremely picky about the way I eat my food and the order in which I do things. My french fries must be paired by size, and if they don't have another one similar in size than I will only eat one at a time. I am also strongly against 'mixing' food...I will eat all my veggies, and only when I am done one thing will I start eating the next. I must do things in the shower, at work and while studying in a specific order or I get flustered and have to start over. I am weird like that.
24) I am ridiculously stubborn and proud. Good luck getting me to admit that I was wrong.
25) I am a worrier. I worry about everything and everyone at all times. It is not a productive hobby.
26) I have almost no willpower when it comes to dieting and being healthy. Case in point, I have eaten fast food everyday for the past eight days.
27) I am way too obsessed with Harry Potter.
28) deep down I love romance. But I pretend not too. Bring me flowers and I may just swoon.
29) I am a girly-girl. Yes, I am afraid of spiders and centipedes, I like to shop and wear make-up and have sleepovers with my friends. Is there REALLY anything wrong with that?
30) some girls will do anything to get you back. It is really kind of sad.
I've learned that...
1) ice cream can't cure everything...but it sure does taste good.
2) sunscreen is my soulmate.
3) I am extremely impulsive and indulgent...almost to the point of recklessness.
4) to most people you are replaceable...even disposable, but to a precious few you are irreplaceable.
5) I inherited my lack of patience from my mother.
6) I hate it when someone says they 'know me'...and they really couldn't have a clue.
7) some people are just better off as friends.
8) you can never rely on beauty...it will fade.
9) you can't expect someone to know you if you don't know yourself.
10) our society is too focused on what's on the outside.
11) I am not as obsessed with shopping as everyone thinks.
12) I hate working. Period. End of story.
13) if someone tells me to do something...I will refuse to do it. But if I'm left alone, I will do it without being told. For example, the more someone complains about me not calling them...the more I refuse to call.
14) my intuition is usually right.
15) I don't regret many things that I've done, but I regret things that I didn't do or say.
16) I use money as a way of feeling secure.
17) living with a friend can ruin a friendship.
18) most days I feel like the statue. (you know...the whole 'some days you're the statue, some days you're the pigeon' thing)
19) 90% of my first impressions are wrong. And I'm glad.
20) I have ridiculously high expectations of myself.
21) if I can't get it right on the first try I will usually give up. That is a bad thing.
22) it is WAY too easy to break someone's heart...or have yours broken.
23) I am extremely picky about the way I eat my food and the order in which I do things. My french fries must be paired by size, and if they don't have another one similar in size than I will only eat one at a time. I am also strongly against 'mixing' food...I will eat all my veggies, and only when I am done one thing will I start eating the next. I must do things in the shower, at work and while studying in a specific order or I get flustered and have to start over. I am weird like that.
24) I am ridiculously stubborn and proud. Good luck getting me to admit that I was wrong.
25) I am a worrier. I worry about everything and everyone at all times. It is not a productive hobby.
26) I have almost no willpower when it comes to dieting and being healthy. Case in point, I have eaten fast food everyday for the past eight days.
27) I am way too obsessed with Harry Potter.
28) deep down I love romance. But I pretend not too. Bring me flowers and I may just swoon.
29) I am a girly-girl. Yes, I am afraid of spiders and centipedes, I like to shop and wear make-up and have sleepovers with my friends. Is there REALLY anything wrong with that?
30) some girls will do anything to get you back. It is really kind of sad.
Does growing up mean we have to grow apart?
Unfortunately, we all have to grow up. This is something I have been resisting for YEARS now. But I fear that my time might be drawing near. I've grown up with a fantastic group of friends that I am mostly still friends with to this day. They are the most wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, funny, silly and fantastic people I have EVER met in my life (I realize I may be a bit biased), and I wouldn't be who I am without them. They are always supportive and I am pretty sure that if I murdered someone they would find a way to say that the person had it coming. I can always count on them to talk with about something, from my fear of being a failure in life to what to wear (seems trivial, but really...it's not). Sure my friends annoy me sometimes...but who ISN'T annoying sometimes? I am the first to admit that I will drive you crazy if you spend too much time with me...hell I drive myself crazy sometimes.
Yet lately I feel as though I am being left behind, that we are all growing apart. This is understandable, people obviously change as we grow older, but I was under the impression we were supposed to embrace those changes. I have clearly changed too in these past years away at University. I have made new friends and hopefully changed slightly for the better. It would be odd and sadly pathetic if we all stayed the same and there was no personal growth. Of course there are always people that change for the worse....or the characteristics that annoy you become more pronounced. I used to be able to put up with a lot more from certain friends, and lately I find myself rolling my eyes at their selfishness and wondering how they can be so freaking self-absorbed. I wonder if they have always been this way and it is me who changed...or have they changed and it is simply more noticeable now? Maybe I will never know. What I do know is that I am less likely to put up with it now. I won't let them guilt trip me into giving them a ride, or always talking about their problems or making me think that I am the bad friend. Is that a change for the better? I would like to think so. I don't want to feel used by them anymore, that is not how a friend is supposed to feel.
I feel as though I am losing one friend in particular, and it just breaks my heart. I don't know when it happened...I can't pinpoint the time. I wish I could, because I want to change it so badly, but I just don't know what to do. This girl is my other half...my better half actually. She's incredible and never ceases to amaze me with her strength and beauty...both on the inside and out. She has been through more in life than I can even imagine and yet she is such a person, it just amazes me. Yet all that she's been through, she has never hesitated to help me with my problems and talk to me. There is one particular time that I never could have made it through without her. Even though I was surrounded by other people who were supportive...she was the one I needed. The only one who would listen to me...and see through the lies I was telling...that I was ok. Because she knows I wasn't. She used to be the one I would turn to first...I always wanted her opinion first...I knew she would tell the truth, whether it's harsh or not. She makes me confront my feelings, even when I don't want to. Even now that I feel we aren't as close, she's still the only one I can talk to about specific problems...the ones that I wouldn't even dream of turning to my other friends for. Still, I feel as though there is a space between us...and I just can't get through it. There is awkward silences where there used to be comfortable silences...things left unsaid.
Maybe it started because she thought she was a bad friend...but she wasn't. At least I don't think she was, she was the only one with the guts to tell me that the guy I was dating was a jerk and was wrong for me. And she was right, I wish I had listened to her sooner...actually I wish I had listened to her at all, maybe then I wouldn't feel like a fool. It's possible that it's because I feel slightly hurt and replaced by her boyfriend and new friends...jealous of them. It's a stupid thing to think...but I still think it. It's not as if I haven't made new friends too, so I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do...and I know it's a bit selfish, but I never said I was perfect. I used to be the one she turned to for help...and now I find out things that happen in her life through third parties or she tells me as an afterthought.
I too, find myself hesitating when talking to her now...maybe she's just had enough of me...I couldn't blame her. Honestly though, I just miss her and spending time with her. It feels as though I haven't seen her in years when in reality I just saw her or just talked to her. I know that we will always be friends...but can we get back to what we used to be? It seems almost impossible, but I will never stop trying.
It just makes me wonder: why does growing up mean that we have to grow apart?
Yet lately I feel as though I am being left behind, that we are all growing apart. This is understandable, people obviously change as we grow older, but I was under the impression we were supposed to embrace those changes. I have clearly changed too in these past years away at University. I have made new friends and hopefully changed slightly for the better. It would be odd and sadly pathetic if we all stayed the same and there was no personal growth. Of course there are always people that change for the worse....or the characteristics that annoy you become more pronounced. I used to be able to put up with a lot more from certain friends, and lately I find myself rolling my eyes at their selfishness and wondering how they can be so freaking self-absorbed. I wonder if they have always been this way and it is me who changed...or have they changed and it is simply more noticeable now? Maybe I will never know. What I do know is that I am less likely to put up with it now. I won't let them guilt trip me into giving them a ride, or always talking about their problems or making me think that I am the bad friend. Is that a change for the better? I would like to think so. I don't want to feel used by them anymore, that is not how a friend is supposed to feel.
I feel as though I am losing one friend in particular, and it just breaks my heart. I don't know when it happened...I can't pinpoint the time. I wish I could, because I want to change it so badly, but I just don't know what to do. This girl is my other half...my better half actually. She's incredible and never ceases to amaze me with her strength and beauty...both on the inside and out. She has been through more in life than I can even imagine and yet she is such a person, it just amazes me. Yet all that she's been through, she has never hesitated to help me with my problems and talk to me. There is one particular time that I never could have made it through without her. Even though I was surrounded by other people who were supportive...she was the one I needed. The only one who would listen to me...and see through the lies I was telling...that I was ok. Because she knows I wasn't. She used to be the one I would turn to first...I always wanted her opinion first...I knew she would tell the truth, whether it's harsh or not. She makes me confront my feelings, even when I don't want to. Even now that I feel we aren't as close, she's still the only one I can talk to about specific problems...the ones that I wouldn't even dream of turning to my other friends for. Still, I feel as though there is a space between us...and I just can't get through it. There is awkward silences where there used to be comfortable silences...things left unsaid.
Maybe it started because she thought she was a bad friend...but she wasn't. At least I don't think she was, she was the only one with the guts to tell me that the guy I was dating was a jerk and was wrong for me. And she was right, I wish I had listened to her sooner...actually I wish I had listened to her at all, maybe then I wouldn't feel like a fool. It's possible that it's because I feel slightly hurt and replaced by her boyfriend and new friends...jealous of them. It's a stupid thing to think...but I still think it. It's not as if I haven't made new friends too, so I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do...and I know it's a bit selfish, but I never said I was perfect. I used to be the one she turned to for help...and now I find out things that happen in her life through third parties or she tells me as an afterthought.
I too, find myself hesitating when talking to her now...maybe she's just had enough of me...I couldn't blame her. Honestly though, I just miss her and spending time with her. It feels as though I haven't seen her in years when in reality I just saw her or just talked to her. I know that we will always be friends...but can we get back to what we used to be? It seems almost impossible, but I will never stop trying.
It just makes me wonder: why does growing up mean that we have to grow apart?
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Facing Fears
I don't like to admit to most of my fears. Sure being afraid of a spider is one thing...but emotional fears are much harder to face. It's kind of scary and depressing to say that you're afraid you're going to die alone, probably found weeks later half eaten by wild dogs(thank you Bridget Jones). I've realized lately that I am afraid of a lot of things...too many things. Why am I so afraid? Why do I worry so much about being afraid? It's a perfectly natural feeling. I think mostly that I just don't like to admit that I have fears because it shows weakness. So, I thought that admitting my fears to myself might help me overcome them...well who am I kidding...I will never not scream when I see a centipede.
I'm afraid...
that no one will ever truly know who I am.
that some boys will never see past my looks...as conceited as that sounds.
of spiders, centipedes, millipedes, caterpillars...anything with multiple legs is just unnatural.
that I will never get that "feeling" in my stomach again.
that I made a rash decision.
that I was wrong.
that I will never know my parents.
that I will never find something that makes me truly happy.
that my friends are going to forget me when they're all grown up and have successful jobs and babies.
of trusting the wrong people in life.
of being alone in the dark.
that one day I will wake up and be a bitter old woman...oh wait, that was this morning.
that I will never find someone to love me for who I am.
that everyone is moving on without me.
that I am going to let my parents down.
of never living up to the person I want to be.
of really loud thunder.
that I will never regain my self-confidence.
that someone's kiss will never make my knees weak again.
that my friends have no clue who I am.
of growing up too fast.
that I will never have children.
of dying.
that I will never be able to travel.
of never knowing who I truly am.
of horror movies.
that I will give up on love.
What are your fears?
I'm afraid...
that no one will ever truly know who I am.
that some boys will never see past my looks...as conceited as that sounds.
of spiders, centipedes, millipedes, caterpillars...anything with multiple legs is just unnatural.
that I will never get that "feeling" in my stomach again.
that I made a rash decision.
that I was wrong.
that I will never know my parents.
that I will never find something that makes me truly happy.
that my friends are going to forget me when they're all grown up and have successful jobs and babies.
of trusting the wrong people in life.
of being alone in the dark.
that one day I will wake up and be a bitter old woman...oh wait, that was this morning.
that I will never find someone to love me for who I am.
that everyone is moving on without me.
that I am going to let my parents down.
of never living up to the person I want to be.
of really loud thunder.
that I will never regain my self-confidence.
that someone's kiss will never make my knees weak again.
that my friends have no clue who I am.
of growing up too fast.
that I will never have children.
of dying.
that I will never be able to travel.
of never knowing who I truly am.
of horror movies.
that I will give up on love.
What are your fears?
Monday, July 10, 2006
Letting Go
In life there are a lot of things that you have to let go of, but you probably don't want to. Pets, a favourite T-Shirt, inhibitions, anger, sometimes a friend. Letting go of anger is probably one of the hardest things to do, I would know. I am generally an angry person...I prefer the word passionate...but I've been told I'm angry. I think recently though that I've learned how to let go of some of that anger, and accepted that there are some things that just are not going to change.
A lot of letting go of anger is forgiveness...if you stop bringing up that incident that occured four years ago it might help a bit. Or just becoming a more "easy-going, less emotional" person helps too. The more you let go, the less that's going to piss you off. I have a friend who barely 'lets things go' and gets upset very easily, and through her I've learned it's important to pick your fights and some things are just not going to go your way. Now, she wouldn't be who she is if she wasn't like that and that's never going to change, I don't think I'd want it to. Picking your fights is an important thing, because if you fight over every little thing that happens then your relationships are going to be on edge a lot. And sometimes, they won't last as long as they should. Of course, there are some things that you just can't let go of or forgive, I am lucky to have experienced very little of these situations.
I find that a lot of anger is towards people I don't know, such as people who just walk into you on the street thinking that they own the sidewalk, people who ask ridiculously stupid questions in the middle of class ("What EXACTLY is a gene again Dr. Rye?"), those who cause all of the violence and hurt in our world and people who have a general lack of respect towards others. Is it really that hard to say excuse me if you accidentally bump into someone? Not really, I do it all the time. But I've realized that some people are just going to be jerks.
Recently I have forgiven someone for a situation in the past. I was very angry with this person and very upset, and it was affecting my relationships with people today. I found it was hurting me more than it was hurting him. Now this person and I have quite the history together; we were very close and basically a part of our everyday lives (saw each other basically everyday, talked if we didn't see each other, spent the night at each other's houses, etc). We ended up breaking up and I found something out that I wasn't impressed with because he lied to me about it. And it broke my heart. I basically cut this person out of my life, and at the time, it seemed like the best idea for both of us. We both moved on to new relationships (some better than others) and it was about eight months before we started talking again. I am glad that we did because I missed him in my life and he understands me in a way that some people just don't or can't. Sure I am still upset about the lying, but that's the way life goes.
Sometimes you just have to let it go.
A lot of letting go of anger is forgiveness...if you stop bringing up that incident that occured four years ago it might help a bit. Or just becoming a more "easy-going, less emotional" person helps too. The more you let go, the less that's going to piss you off. I have a friend who barely 'lets things go' and gets upset very easily, and through her I've learned it's important to pick your fights and some things are just not going to go your way. Now, she wouldn't be who she is if she wasn't like that and that's never going to change, I don't think I'd want it to. Picking your fights is an important thing, because if you fight over every little thing that happens then your relationships are going to be on edge a lot. And sometimes, they won't last as long as they should. Of course, there are some things that you just can't let go of or forgive, I am lucky to have experienced very little of these situations.
I find that a lot of anger is towards people I don't know, such as people who just walk into you on the street thinking that they own the sidewalk, people who ask ridiculously stupid questions in the middle of class ("What EXACTLY is a gene again Dr. Rye?"), those who cause all of the violence and hurt in our world and people who have a general lack of respect towards others. Is it really that hard to say excuse me if you accidentally bump into someone? Not really, I do it all the time. But I've realized that some people are just going to be jerks.
Recently I have forgiven someone for a situation in the past. I was very angry with this person and very upset, and it was affecting my relationships with people today. I found it was hurting me more than it was hurting him. Now this person and I have quite the history together; we were very close and basically a part of our everyday lives (saw each other basically everyday, talked if we didn't see each other, spent the night at each other's houses, etc). We ended up breaking up and I found something out that I wasn't impressed with because he lied to me about it. And it broke my heart. I basically cut this person out of my life, and at the time, it seemed like the best idea for both of us. We both moved on to new relationships (some better than others) and it was about eight months before we started talking again. I am glad that we did because I missed him in my life and he understands me in a way that some people just don't or can't. Sure I am still upset about the lying, but that's the way life goes.
Sometimes you just have to let it go.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
I've learned...
Alright, so I've decided to start a blog because I feel that there are some things I need to get off my chest.
These are some things that I've learned in my 22 years of life.
I've learned that:
1) the people I'm most grateful for in the world are my parents.
2) just being in the presence of your best friends can soothe your nerves and make you feel better.
3) there is nothing quite as remarkable or hilarious as a child's innocence.
4) I really really really HATE raw tomatoes, to the point where I almost gag when I see them. Yet I couldn't live without ketchup, pasta sauce and sundried tomatoes...weird.
5) when you are sad you should listen to happy music, not sad music. It's almost impossible to be sad when your feet won't stop dancing.
6) I believe my grandfather is my Guardian Angel.
7) there is nothing quite like spending a night in with the girls.
8) even though I'm happy that my friends have found someone that they love, that I'm secretly jealous of their boyfriends because they get to spend more time with my friends than I do.
9) I have the worst self-body image ever. I really wish I could see myself as my friends do...I think I'd like myself a lot more then.
10) I am eternally grateful for my parents doing these three things:
i) sending me to SMLS
ii) saving money for my university education
iii) spending money to fix my teeth. Nothing quite like a good set of teeth.
11) I will do almost ANYTHING to avoid confrontation.
12) sometimes confrontation is alright...and maybe even a good thing.
13) the pictures I like best of myself are the ones where I'm laughing.
14) I constantly worry about my friends being hurt (mentally, physicall and especially emotionally).
15) I am petrified for when my parents die because it means I will be alone in the world.
16) I believe there may not be someone out there for everyone, and even though that's a scary thought, it's ok.
17) I HATE calling people back on the phone...I just don't know what to say.
18) I am incredibly independent and that I will go to the point of avoiding people to be by myself.
19) I cry really easily...and that's ok.
20) I would rather break my own heart than someone else's...and I have.
21) nothing moves me like music does.
22) I like it when I make people laugh because it means that they are happy.
23) I feel honoured when someone talks to me about their problems because it means that they trust me.
24) I like my cat more than most people.
25) I am good at breaking and entering.
26) is a huge difference between the guys who call me 'Hot' and the ones that call me 'Beautiful'.
27) I am the biggest freaking procrastintor ever.
28) sometimes I put way too much pressure on myself because I believe I am my parents only hope.
29) if you don't learn your lesson about drinking too much after the fifth time of throwing up that you probably should stop drinking.
30) I'm glad I never got into drugs.
Well that's all for now! I will continue this list later...because I like it. And it's my blog, so I'm going to do what I want. lol.
later muffin.
These are some things that I've learned in my 22 years of life.
I've learned that:
1) the people I'm most grateful for in the world are my parents.
2) just being in the presence of your best friends can soothe your nerves and make you feel better.
3) there is nothing quite as remarkable or hilarious as a child's innocence.
4) I really really really HATE raw tomatoes, to the point where I almost gag when I see them. Yet I couldn't live without ketchup, pasta sauce and sundried tomatoes...weird.
5) when you are sad you should listen to happy music, not sad music. It's almost impossible to be sad when your feet won't stop dancing.
6) I believe my grandfather is my Guardian Angel.
7) there is nothing quite like spending a night in with the girls.
8) even though I'm happy that my friends have found someone that they love, that I'm secretly jealous of their boyfriends because they get to spend more time with my friends than I do.
9) I have the worst self-body image ever. I really wish I could see myself as my friends do...I think I'd like myself a lot more then.
10) I am eternally grateful for my parents doing these three things:
i) sending me to SMLS
ii) saving money for my university education
iii) spending money to fix my teeth. Nothing quite like a good set of teeth.
11) I will do almost ANYTHING to avoid confrontation.
12) sometimes confrontation is alright...and maybe even a good thing.
13) the pictures I like best of myself are the ones where I'm laughing.
14) I constantly worry about my friends being hurt (mentally, physicall and especially emotionally).
15) I am petrified for when my parents die because it means I will be alone in the world.
16) I believe there may not be someone out there for everyone, and even though that's a scary thought, it's ok.
17) I HATE calling people back on the phone...I just don't know what to say.
18) I am incredibly independent and that I will go to the point of avoiding people to be by myself.
19) I cry really easily...and that's ok.
20) I would rather break my own heart than someone else's...and I have.
21) nothing moves me like music does.
22) I like it when I make people laugh because it means that they are happy.
23) I feel honoured when someone talks to me about their problems because it means that they trust me.
24) I like my cat more than most people.
25) I am good at breaking and entering.
26) is a huge difference between the guys who call me 'Hot' and the ones that call me 'Beautiful'.
27) I am the biggest freaking procrastintor ever.
28) sometimes I put way too much pressure on myself because I believe I am my parents only hope.
29) if you don't learn your lesson about drinking too much after the fifth time of throwing up that you probably should stop drinking.
30) I'm glad I never got into drugs.
Well that's all for now! I will continue this list later...because I like it. And it's my blog, so I'm going to do what I want. lol.
later muffin.
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