Why Did I Let You Go Again?

I miss dancing.

I miss that feeling after performing where you can't breathe because you've just poured out your heart and soul into the dance. It takes everything from you and you just want to give it more.

I miss the way that I could control my movement...my muscles and my body. People would have been amazed at the amount of muscle control I used to have. I challenge someone to find me a football or hockey player that can stand with one of their legs extended beside their head and hold it for at least a minute. There probably isn't one. I wish I could still do that.

Oddly enough I miss the pain. Not the bad pain where something is broken or sprained, but the kind of pain that comes from pushing your body to the limit. I love that feeling. No matter what I do I can't seem to get that feeling from anything else.

When I danced every thought left my head and it was pure bliss. You know that routine so well that it becomes part of you and you don't have to think about it. All you have to think about is how it makes you feel. And it made me feel amazing.

I miss learning a new routine, a new technique, a new move, a new form of dance. I remember when I first learned lyrical. I'm pretty sure that I fell in love. It was so beautiful and moving, and all I wanted to do is learn how to move like that. I wish I could still move like that.

I miss the strain on my muscles. The feeling of stretching them until they might snap, but you know you can push yourself further. Or sometimes they just snapped. I don't miss that.

I miss the feeling of pushing off from the ground. Jumping as high as you can. Stretching your legs are far as they'll go. But landing as softly as a leaf falling to the ground. Jumps were my favourite. I loved the feeling of being in the air. I can't jump anymore, when did that happen?

Dance was such a huge part of my life...it was my life. It made me who I was....who I am? 24 hours a week for ten months a year, at least eight routines a year. I dedicated most of my time to it. And then I just dropped it. I quit. It wasn't because I didn't love dancing anymore, I miss it more than anyone could possibly ever know. I don't know why I won't take a class or something. Maybe I'm afraid. Afraid that I've lost my touch...afraid it won't satisfy me......afraid that I'll want more.

All I know is that I miss it. My body misses it.

Why did I let it go?