*single tear*

I am packing up my room tonight. The past three years of my life are just gone, and I don't know where they went. It's kind of a shock that it's over so quickly and it's kind of hitting me pretty hard. Not gonna lie, I've shed more than a few tears as I've sifted through my notes, pictures, magazines, clothes and general crap that I've accumulated here. I never thought that I'd call this place home, but now I kind of think of it that way. Not as much as Oakville, but it's kind of getting there. I don't want to go back. It feels like I'm moving back in time and the past four years didn't even happen! How is that possible?
haha, my bedspread that I got so much grief for throughout the years. It's from the kids department at Sears and I'm so glad that I got it. Everyone made fun of me but I think it brightened up my dorm room and my room here. It's very snuggly. Everyone always loved my bed here, oddly enough. I'd be at the computer doing work and look over and Maria, Melissa and the cat would be lying on my bed watching me. Creeps, but what can you do. I used to get super pissed that they were lying on my bed while I wasn't hahaha. Now it's just Melissa creepily sleeping on my bed.

BAHAHAHAHHAHAHA, these pictures always make me laugh. Everytime we went out (which wasn't very often) we'd have to take a picture of the three of us together with one of us trying to hold the camera and the others deliberately being jerks and trying to annoy them. I think the top one was at the end of second year and the bottom one is from the beginning of third year when we went out for Maria's birthday. Both clearly awesome times...because we're awesome.

Soooooooo unfortunately this is me and Melissa acting normally. Yes, this is a REGULAR occurence in our household, not from alcohol, lack of sleep, stress or other things. This is just us. And Maria of course there capturing this moment that I CLEARLY want remembered forever with her humongous camera, which she has since gotten rid of. *tear* I loved making fun of that camera.

In Trappers on the sketchy back couches where people probably have sex and throw-up, me and Melissa are laughing our asses off at something we can't even remember. I actually fell off of the couch onto the dirty dirty dirty dirty floor. Oh the good times.

I am not even going to comment on how freaking CREEPY it was that Melissa took this picture of me napping. CREEEEEEEEPER!!!!!!!!! I do believe that Maria encouraged this creepiness, therefore Maria is a creeper too.

BAHAHAHAHAHHA, this is what happens when we let someone else take pictures of us and we end up getting caught in moments like this. I love how my face is practically deformed and I'm for some reason dancing like a Hawaiian person. Ahhhh Maria, how I miss you and making fun of your Polish ways!!!

Basically I just can't believe that it's over. I made some good friends, not too many, but the ones I made I know will be around forever. Even if I wanted to get rid of them they wouldn't go away. hahaha, but I would never want to get rid of you guys! I love you! And I'm so thankful that I have had the opportunity to live with you and get to know you! You guys are amazing, beautiful, hilarious, smart and all-around spectacular people and I feel absolutely priviledged to have been able to call myself your friend!

Good Body

Ok, so I know that I've been posting a lot about working out and eating well and losing weight, blah blah blah, but I want it to be known that I am in no way abusing my body or encouraging people to do that to themselves. Sure my going to the gym has a streak of vanity behind it, but mostly I'm tired of the 'crash dieting' thinking and it always failing. I'm sick of starving myself for a specific goal and then not reaching it and thinking of myself as a failure. So what if I'm not size four by the dominican?! Who the fuck cares? I sure don't. I think I look hot in a bikini. I'm just trying to make healthier lifestyle choices. I'm not going to deny myself, but asking myself if I REALLY need that Blizzard from Dairy Queen after eating like 40 mini eggs makes me think of what I'm doing to my body. It's the only one that I have, so I need to start taking care of it. I should have a looooong time ago. I don't want to think in terms of "lose 10 pounds for this, don't eat for three days before this" it's depressing, and it makes me not want to do it. But I'm finding if I think long-term that it seems much more do-able. If I aim to get my body fat % down by 5% by december, that's a reasonable goal which I can...and probably will achieve. I don't give a shit if I lose ten pounds anymore, I don't care about my weight. I'm starting to care about how I feel and how I feel so much better about myself when I'm at the gym and eating when I'm hungry. Sure every once in awhile I'm like, "wow, I wish I had her body" but who doesn't? I'm starting to realize that thinking long-term is much more healthy than short-term.
10 Things NEVER to say to your body:
1)Mini?! Not on these hips!
2)Must turn off the light before he gets to underwear (Honey...if he's going for the underwear, he'd appreciate it a LOT more if the lights were ON!)
3)You'd be gorgeous if you could just cut off everything below the waist...
4)You'll never get any love with those love handles
5)If these jeans do not fir, I swear, no more food for a week
6) Posh Spice, Role Model! (She is DISGUSTING.)
7) Oh, great, a three way mirror. Try not to look. (Or pose in every possible way and admire that booty....)
8) Better not work out - big muscles scare all the guys away (Ummmm...maybe you should tell the guys to get THEIR asses to the gym)
9)I hope my daughters don't inherit these
10) Yuck

I found an article in Glamour magazine in the May 2007 issue, and I think everyone should read it. It's kind of talking about what I did, about how every woman is a different size and that you shouldn't push or starve yourself to be a size 0 when you're healthy size is a 6 or even 10. Read it. NOW bitches!
This is an page from the magazine that I love.

The New Good Body:
-is bursting with energy...no Red Bull required
-relishes pregnancy's curves and wouldn't be caught dead in a muumuu (thank GOD for that)
-leaves the lights on so she can see and be seen
-doesn't try to be some plasticized notion of man-sexy. Here's what's hotter: looking real.
-comes in every colour of the rainbow.

The Old Good Body:
-deprived itself of all things delicious (f that, pass the brownies please!)
-cinched itself silly (curves are so much more sexy)
-was all 'no-pain, no-gain'

Everyone should buy the magazine and read this article immediately. I think it's amazing and about time. I'm sick of girls/women/my beautiful, gorgeous, amazing friends starving themselves and trying to lose weight instead of being healthy. I think my new belief should be that if you make healthy choices your body will follow and you will look amazing just being you.

10 things to say more often to your body:
1)Less is not more baby.
2) I will love my flaws.
3) Walk away slowly so everyone can enjoy the view (THANK GOD, shake that booty girl!)
4) It's clothes' job to fit my body, not the other way around (if only designers thought like this)
5) Don't turn down chocolate!!! It's full of those anti-oxi-thingies
6) He loes that, and those....and especially these. (Lucky guy!)
7) Whatever it is...these thighs can handle it.
8) Hungry? EAT SOMETHING. Makes sense, right?
9) There's nothing wrong here that a great pair of jeans can't fix.
10) Well done.

A Litte Bit Awesome

Hahaha ok I'm going to confess....I love my ass. It is fucking SWEET. I know I sound soooo ridiculously conceited, but it's getting so f'ing awesome from squats and cardio and lunges. Like, it's almost a work of art. BAHAHAHA. Ok, so maybe that was a bit far, but seriously, I caught a glimpse of it while changing yesterday to go to the grocery store with Melissa and I was like, "hot damn, that's sweet!" and Melissa was like, "jesus, can we GO YET?" hahaha. I was like, "I MUST document this hotness" and hence the pic of me dancing around before going to the gym this morning showing off my hot ass.
I'm going to see Blades of Glory tonight and I'm pretty fucking excited. Also going to Jack Astor's for this California Salad....seriously, it's one of the most awesome salads in the world. You need to have it immediately, except substitute the Spring Mix for Romaine lettuce and it makes it like fifty times better. Trust me.

Oddly, I feel like I've been eating a lot of salads lately, even though I've only had like three this week. But that's up from the normal.....zero I usually have! lol. Trying to shed a few pounds fast before the Dominican and then New York. Who knows what will happen to my body with unlimited alcohol and food and no gym. It could be disastrous.

During exam time my world shrinks to this...my desk. Now normally I LOVE my desk and can just sit and chill and read or go on the internet, whateve's...but lately I feel like I'm chained. Possibly because it's my last set of exams....EVER. I've pretty much decided that I will apply for a Master's at Guelph, but I don't think I'm going to do it. I did like going into the lab and it was interesting and definitely intelluctly stimulating but I don't think I can do it for the rest of my life. The thought of that kind of makes me want to shoot myself in the foot. I think I need something more physically challenging and with more daily variation. I don't want to be stuck feeling like I'm 'studying' for the rest of my life.

I've actually been very seriously considering getting certified to become a personal trainer. I've checked out the courses and my trainer, Chris (a.k.a McBaldy, bahahaha), says he'll put me in touch with the guy who trained him. I'd also need to get my CPR and First Aid renewed, obviously, and there's this Nutrition and Wellness course I'd like to do as well. I mean, I can't really lecture people on eating well and nutrition if I know nothing about it. We'll see how I still feel about it around the end of May. If I still think it's a good idea and interesting then I'm going to do it. I'm not an idiot, I know I still need to work on my body a lot and get my body fat % down, but I'm willing to do it. I think I could be good at being a personal trainer. I feel as though my degree would be a huge waste though. Ah well. We'll see what happens.

Blogging is a sweet way to procrastinate.

A picture of my semi-sexy body, which will be gone after I finish eating my massive bag of Cadbury Mini-Eggs that my mom got me for easter. I actually ate so much food at Easter Dinner that I couldn't eat breakfast this morning. I forced myself to though because otherwise I probably would have died during my training session. I've actually started to gain weight from my training sessions because of the muscle I've been putting on. I don't mind. Weight is just a number to me. I would rather be 200 pounds and muscular, fit and slim, than 110 pounds and anorexic. Much more healthy to eat and workout than starve myself. Special K diet has been going alright so far. Getting a little boring. I may have to buy strawberries to cut up and add to the cereal so that I don't get so bored I just kill myself. mmmmmm strawberries.

Behold, the 943 g bag of Mini Eggs, which will make me fat. I have absolutely no willpower or self-control when it comes to not eating things or buying clothes. I had to put the bag in a hard to reach place because even though I was full and about to be sick because of the amount of minieggs I had eaten, I kept on eating them. Now they are stored safely in my cupboard which takes like five minutes to get too because I have to first stand on a chair and then the countertop in the kitchen. So not worth it.
Right now instead of studying for my exams, which are in three days (shit) I have been researching professors and research projects for my Master's. I am still unsure about whether or not I want to actually do my Master's Degree, but I figure it can't hurt to apply. There are like three profs at Guelph that I really think would be interesting, and I've had two of them as profs already so I know they're pretty cool. I'm just not too sure how I would do at writing a thesis and having to go to the lab everyday. I guess we'll find out.
I am super excited for Melissa and I's trip to Punta Cana. I am determined to look ridiculously hot in my new Victoria's Secret bikinis and knock'em dead. So I've been working out hardcore lately. I'm definitely starting to see some positive results...a lot less "muffin top". hahahahaha. That term kills me. I almost want to stay in Guelph because I love the gym here. I mean I know there are gyms everywhere, but I really like the atmosphere of this one, the way its set up, the people, the trainers, etc. But alas, I am stuck working in Toronto at the bank again this summer. A serious boo urns to that. I fucking HATE the bank. It's so depressing and makes my soul want to die. Think I'm being overdramatic? Why don't you try sitting 4 stories underground with no windows, Sri Lankans talking about you with recirculated air for 10 hours a day.

I had to help my mom with my grandma yesterday, getting her for Easter dinner and such, and it really just makes me sad. She's turning 94 this year and you can really tell what a difference it makes if someone took care of themselves earlier on in life. My grandma never used to exercise or eat properly and stuff like that, and now you can really tell. She has serious osteoporosis, shaking and memory loss...also blind in one eye. I really hope that if I ever get like that someone just shoots me. No offense. But I would rather die than just exist. What's the point in being alive if you're not living?

Crying Girls Make Me Nervous

Ugh, can't decide whether I had a good weekend or a shitty weekend. I'm definitely leaning towards a shitty weekend. I mean, it had the makings to be an alright weekend, but it just went downhill. I can't decide whether my favourite part was my new personal trainer reducing me to tears, drinking so much that I vomited or hearing a piece of news I definitely didn't need to hear. Not to mention the fact that I was so hung today it was fucking ridiculous. Ew, you know what you're SOOOO hungover and dehydrated and your body is like, "this is my revenge for you fucking me over last night". That's the kind of hangover it was. When I went to get McDonald's (hangover food, don't judge) I moved my eyes to drive the car and the movement of my eyeball actually hurt my head. I didn't know that was possible.

But yah, I think I've decided that my favourite part of the weekend was when I burst into tears when I was in a training session with my new trainer. My old trainer Meghan quit, and that kind of broke my heart because I loved her. She made it really fun and gave me these awesome programs that were challenging but I loved to do.

And this ass hole comes along and ruins it all. He clearly didn't read my profile beforehand because he had no clue that I have a serious rib injury that stops me from doing a lot of overhead stuff and twisting motions. He's trying to make me do this exercise where you throw the medicine ball to the other person by throwing it overhead and I was like, "I can't do that" and he's all trying to be a macho trainer guy and is like, "oh sure you can, it's easy, don't be a wuss, people always think they can't do stuff, blah blah blah" and then I just started to cry. It was also compounded by the fact that I couldn't breathe and felt like I was about to faint and he was like, "whatever, suck it up". When someone is having so much trouble breathing that they are about to hyperventilate you don't tell them to suck it up and go faster, you tell them to take a break for a second. So yah, then I started to cry and he had no clue what to do. He was one of those guys that has no idea what to do around a crying girl. Kind of gave me a secret and sick validation to think that I was making him uncomfortable.

So I am asking McBaldy if I can switch trainers again. This guys all changing my programs and stuff saying that they aren't right. But he doesn't know shit and thinks I'm trying to lose weight, when in reality my long-term goal is to change my body composition and increase my lean muscle mass. So he thinks he knows what he's talking about....but he's just a moron without a clue. And he was short, so it was kind of hard to take him seriously.

Another major UGH is the news that Tony gave me today about this fucking thing that drives us crazy. I'm SO not going into details because it's none of your fucking business (nosy bitches, hahaha, only joking!) but it pisses me off like crazy. I just wish that people would leave us alone and be happy for us, but NOOOOO all they can do is think about how to destroy other people's happiness for their own validation and because they have no one. Well you bitch, here's what I have to say to you: Go fuck yourself because nobody else is going to do it.

I'm not sure if you're upset with me or something. I'm a little confused and honestly, a little hurt as to what's going on. Actually, I don't even know what's going on. I just wish you'd let me in and trust me again, and tell me what to do to make it right. I just want to help you and for you to be happy.

Ok, so I know that this post has just been me basically whining and complaining, but I don't care. Everybody has off days and everybody has the right to bitch about it. This has really not been my weekend and I am venting. Deal. Hahahaha, sorry, just thought about the trainers face when I started to cry. I almost feel sorry for the poor guy.

Almost.