Hello, My Name Is...

I've always been a worrier. Just like my Daddy.

I'm impatient like my Mom.

I have my mom's nose and hands (mismatched in size and very large), but I have my Daddy's eyes and ears.

I'm paranoid and hesitant like my Aunt. My hair is thick, just like hers.

I sit with one leg bent underneath me like my Grandpa.

I love Blueberry pie and spontaneously baking things like my Gran.

I enjoy being with friends like my Grandma. She loves her rum and cokes.

I like being alone. Just like my Daddy.


But what defines me? What makes me who I am? The combination of these traits...these preferences that I have in life for blueberry pie and sitting with a bent leg? My annoying habit of worrying about things that could never EVER possibly happen or never being able to sit still while waiting for something in my life? Is it my hatred for tomatoes, love of cupcakes, tendancy to cry in movies even though I know what happens, re-read books a thousand times, listen to one song over and over again until I can't stand it anymore.

Do these little quirks make us who we are? This can't be it, there has to be at least a hundred other people who like/dislike the same things that I do, but we're not the same people. Not at all.

Oddly enough this doesn't worry me. Not knowing who I am. I have no calling to go and travel the world in search of myself. Oh sure, I want to travel, but do I think I'll find out who I am in Italy or France or if i'm lucky Egypt? Definitely not. I know what makes me happy and what doesn't. I let other people know too. I'm stubborn and annoying and loud but oddly shy, I enjoy giving people the silent treatment if they piss me off. I can't put up with other people's messes, but can't help making my own.

But I'm also caring, and willing to listen. I'm not generally a bad person even though I don't wish some people well. Sometimes they deserve it. I would willing drive all night to see a friend in need, just like I know my friends would do for me. I support my friends even if I don't agree with their decisions, and I never want to be one of those people who tries to make everybody think the way that I do. Half the fun is arguing with people. I hate it when people mess with my heart. That is unforgiveable. I try not to do the same to others, but I know that I have. And I'm sorry for that, but I don't expect to be forgiven. I don't believe in emotional games and playing hard to get. I am impatient to the point of being obnoxious and I want what I want, when I want it.

Maybe this means I already know who I am.

If Only...

I have a secret.

But I can't tell you. I wish I could, but I'm so afraid. Everyone would judge me, they wouldn't understand.

This secret weighs down on me. It's such a burden. I hate it.

I wish I didn't have this secret.

One little phrase can set me off. I'm like a bomb waiting to blow. I know I've always lacked in the patience department, but lately it's just ridiculous. I have never yelled at so many people as in the past week. My new roommate is terrified of me. I'm not sure why I am so emotional lately. Laughing hysterically one minute, crying the next. School is stressful, but not that bad. I feel like a weight is pushing on my shoulders and I can't figure out what it is. Is it my impending doom for my midterm on Monday? The 10 page essay that is only 5 pages as of this minute and due in 9 hours? The fact that I have the rest of my life to plan?


Probably that last one.

Did You Ever Really Care?

You are a fucking liar. I have never been so disappointed in someone I considered a friend. I can't believe how cavalierly you treat your friends and are willing to just lose them. I'm not willing to sit back and be taken for granted. Some people have been way too lenient with you. I don't have the patience for that.

You just can't let it go, can you? You are being extremely selfish. Why can't you just be happy for me? You won't be happy for me because you're letting your personal opinions get in the way. Funny how you were so supportive when I thought I liked someone else, but as soon as I REALLY like someone you don't like...not so supportive anymore.

You tell me that you're happy for me, but I can see it in your eyes that you're not. You're lying to my face. Is that what a friend would do? You take cheap shots at my boyfriend and tell me not to trust him. What a shitty thing to put in my head when I've already been cheated on twice. You want me to doubt and question...and I won't. Because I trust him. You're the one who doesn't, and you say you're looking out for me, but really you just want to be right. You want to say "I told you so" with that smug look on your face. But you won't get to say it.

You tell me lies about my best friend, who I love like a sister. You put me on the spot and tell me that she's abandoned you and doesn't contribute anything to your friendship anymore. It's so nice when she tells me that you bitched to her for HOURS about me...and she sat there patiently and listened. What the fuck have you done for your "friendship"? NOTHING. You are a fucking hypocrite. You don't call her, message her, try to talk to her at all. Nice way to repay a friend.

And now you're doing the same thing to me. I'm the one putting all the effort in. Going out of my way to see you, and you act like I've inconvienced you. Well don't worry, I won't be contacting you again. I message you on MSN to get snarky replies, post on your facebook wall to get nothing in return. I'm not going to even bother calling you. Would you even pick up the phone? Tell me what I did to deserve this. Oh wait I know, I'm going out with someone you don't like. Guess what, he doesn't like you too much either...now I see why.

The difference between you and him is that he respects my friendship with you. He never insults you or asks why I spend time with you. He knew that you were my friend and he never tried to change my opinion of you. You're trying to get me to change my opinion of my boyfriend. I won't. You will never see what I see because you don't want to. I don't care. You should at least have tried to make an effort. I thought you did, but you really didn't. You only pretended to care because you thought it would be over quickly. Don't tell me I'm wrong, because I know I'm right. I can't believe it took me this long to realize it.

I know this isn't because we 'broke up'. We were friends for most of the summer. When I needed someone to talk to because I was lonely you were there. And you listened. You cared. So I am 99% sure that this is because I'm going out with someone you don't like. Get over it. I'm sorry that you think it is a reason for our friendship to end. But if that's all it took then were we ever friends in the first place?

Is the Silence Deafening?

Why do we move so fast? Rushing through life and not appreciating the things that matter is our biggest fault. We put all our energy into work, school, pleasing other people. Why can't we stop and just be still for awhile?

The things that make us happy come last in this messed up version of life. It's true for most people that the little things make life worth living...laughing with a friend, a smile from someone, just being with someone even if it's in silence. What's wrong with silence? A true friend or significant other can appreciate you even when you're quiet. They are just happy to be with you. Everything is so loud. Do we need to be loud to be heard?

Work comes before spending time with family. Money is more important than happiness. School is more important than friendship. I'm not denying that these things are important in life. But when did they become so important that they demand our time more than family, friends...and love?

Time is a precious thing. You don't get it back. Don't let the things that are necessary in life take away time from the things that make you happy. Why are we in such a hurry to grow up?

We'll do it all
Everything on our own
We don't need
Anything or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Chasing Cars
Snow Patrol

Can someone just lay here with me?

Three Thanksgiving Dinners May Be a Bit Excessive

As I sit here with my stomach full to the point of bursting (three kinds of pie and cheesecake...I think I overindulged), a semi-sunburnt face from the 4.5 hour car ride home and my mom yelling at me to put my laundry away I realize I am thankful for a lot. And that I have a lot to be thankful for...but I may just take for granted.

I am thankful...

1) for my parents.

2) that I got to spend the weekend up North and bug Tony as much as possible. (You know you love it).

3) that my mom makes the mashed potatoes just the way I like them even though she rolls her eyes when I ask.

4) that I had time to sit on the kitchen counter, eating chocolates, drinking wine and have time to just talk to my mom.

5) for the three Thanksgiving dinners I greedily consumed this weekend. Yes...three.

6) that my shower has water pressure. It's a glorious thing.

7) for moisturizer.

8) for endless hugs and kisses from those that I care about.

9) that my Daddy still squeezes me so tight in a hug that I lose my breathe when I come home from school. I like being missed.

10) for the traffic on the way home because it let me spend more time with you.

11) that I am getting an education.

12) for the fact that more people than me don't know what they want to do with their life.

13) that I get to see my best friend more.

14) for Disney movies, hot chocolate, pillow talks, comfy pajamas, Christmas and ice cream because they won't let us grow up too fast.

15) that I found a housemate who can put up with my mood swings, obsessive compulsive behaviour and random dance parties in the hallway.

16) for every backrub you give me.

17) that my Mommy finished my laundry while I was away.

18) that I don't go out much because it makes those times that we do go out seem that much better.

19) for whip cream.

20) that your family made me feel welcome.

21) that I don't need to know proper English for a Science major. I have no clue what a pronoun is. It seems useless in life. Sorry.

22) that I enjoy one of my classes this semester. Otherwise I'd go nuts.

23) for my health.

24) that Fluffy will be O.K. It wasn't an eraser! It was a rubber door stopper...crazy cat.

25) that I have clothes to keep me warm...and if they fail I have someone to get blankets for me. I'm thankful for that too.

26) that I'm going to the gym more. It helps me to feel better about myself.

27) for my eyesight, hearing, ability to walk, talk and smell, and most importantly the ability to feel. Feel joy, pain, sadness, anger, sinfully happy. If you can't feel sad, then you'll never feel really happy.

28) that I have people who believe in me, because I rarely do. It's nice to know that someone thinks I can do it.

29) for the many options that are available to me in life. I am glad those were provided for me. Too many people don't have options.

30) that I'm alive and can experience life. It can be taken away too easily, or taken for granted. People never appreciate what they have until it's gone. I never want to be that way again.

A Tribute To Fluffy

I remember the first time I saw you at the Humane Society. I was in grade four and had used my charming smile and puppy dog eyes to coerce my parents into letting me get another cat. I was manipulative like that. You were so tiny and fuzzy. So adorable with your one white eye and one grey eye; your little nose pressed against the cage door trying to get closer to me. You clawed my finger that day and I knew immediately that you were the cat I wanted. My parents asked, "Why on earth do you want the only cat that scratched you?", I remember replying, "Because she has an attitude problem just like you say that I have." They laughed and shook their heads, and we adopted you.

My Dad insisted that we name you Fluffy even though I kept repeating that you weren't that fluffy, just really really fuzzy and soft. But the name stuck. I remember you learned your name after only about three weeks of being at home with us. You'd come when we called you and would follow me around the house hoping that I would play with you. When I paid attention to my others cats you'd get jealous and attack them. Such a bully. Funny how when my mom paid attention to other people I would jump around and purposely act like a brat to get her attention. Strange similarity.

I remember in Grade Six we let you out one morning and you didn't come back for five days. I'm pretty sure I cried for those entire five days.

You are our only pet that's ever been sprayed by a skunk. Our only animal that's ever tried to eat a bee and end up getting stung inside your mouth and on your paw (which swelled up to three times it's normal size). The only cat we've had that's caught at least ten mice, five birds (one that was still alive when I released it from your jaws of death) and a baby rabbit while being about 15 pounds overweight. Ever heard of the phrase curiousity killed the cat?

I love how when I come home from school you come running to the front door, meowing your little face off, stomach jiggling all over the place (not so much since your diet, but it still jiggles), and then pretend to be mad at me until I scratch your chin and buy your love back with kitty treats. You still follow me around the house and trip me half the time because you always want to be closer to me. My Dad once said, "She just always want to be with you" and I think it's true. I may even miss you more than my parents sometimes, but don't tell them that. I love how you sleep on the other pillow on my bed and press your furry little forehead against mine at night while you purr. Sometimes you get right under the covers with me and sleep under my bent legs or with your head in my hand or on my stomach. Always purring though. You always seem to know when I'm upset or crying because you somehow always find me and just lie next to me.

I know that some people are going to read this blog and say, "what a loser, it's just a cat" but they don't understand. In my family pets aren't just animals, they become a part of the family. I hate that I didn't even know you were sick or in trouble and that I can't be there while you recover from surgery. I know you'll be fine but I am worried. Please don't eat anymore erasers.

I Got That Feeling...

I felt a shiver run down my spine today when I remembered what you said.

Nobody was able to wipe the smile from my face after that.

You make me happy. Plain and simple.

Don't Talk About What You Don't Know

I say that it doesn't matter. But it does. I say that I don't care. But I do. It's hard with dislike and judgement pouring in from all sides. All I get is catty comments, bitchy stares and the insincere "oh, hey, good to see you" while rolling your eyes at your friends. You don't even know me, and you don't want to know me. You just want to disapprove. You say that I'm not trying, but you have no idea how hard it is. And I am trying. I wish there was more I could do, but there isn't.

I cried my heart out on Saturday night. The kind of crying where you can't speak, can't breathe, can't think and your whole body shakes. You can't stop it. I've never cried like that before in front of anyone other than my mommy or Trish. I'm glad that someone who cared about me was there to understand and to listen. I have reached my breaking point. I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not you like me. You should be happy, but all you can think about are yourselves. And you should be ashamed of yourselves. I'm done with all of it. It's clear that you'll never approve and I will not live my life waiting for your approval. I don't want to hear from people, "It doesn't matter, they won't last long anyways", because you have NO IDEA what it's like. Or what I'm like. Don't talk about what you don't know.