Failure: 1, Jaime: 0

I have an irrational fear of not being good enough. At anything. Not thin enough, healthy enough, funny, smart, beautiful, modest, confident, sexy enough. If I keep this up, I will never be happy with myself. I always want to be more. If I accomplish something all I can think is, "If I had done this I would have received better results." I can never be happy, because I know I can do more.

I recently got 82 in my summer class, which considering the amount of work I did (next to none), is a relatively decent mark. All I could think was that if I had studied an extra day, done more for the discussions, started those damn assignments earlier...I would have got 85, or maybe even better. I will never be smart enough to please myself. I always want to figure everything out on the first try, and life just doesn't happen that way. Science doesn't happen that way. It is all about trial and error; I doubt I will ever survive in a lab for longer than a week. If I have to re-do a question; think about which experiment to use; take longer on a report than I thought...I am automatically a failure in my mind. Why do I expect so much out of myself?

I will always hate my body. I have come to the conclusion that even if I lost the seven pounds I so desperately feel I need to shed I would find something else to complain about. I've tried to see myself the way other people do. It never works. I eat basically whatever I want...my exercise routine isn't exactly strenuous. I am a size 28. Some people would kill for that. All I can think is that "I used to be a 26 or 27." Mind you I danced approximately 23-24 hours a week, so that definitely had something to do with it. I was younger and had a faster metabolism. Why can't I just accept my body shape?

I feel like I'm not good enough for you. And that I will always leave you wanting more. I don't know why you want me. I don't think I deserve what you do for me, the way you treat me. I don't want to disappoint you. And I don't want to disappoint myself.

It has reached the point where sometimes I don't even bother trying anymore. I am afraid I won't do it right the first time...and then what? What do I think will happen? That the world will stop...or that everybody will be gobsmacked because I couldn't accomplish something on the first try!? It's so ridiculous that if I could I would give myself an exasperated look. My friends and family are happy with who I am (I think....I'll assume so). They are proud of me and what I've accomplished so far...what I've got through, what I've studied...who I've become. I wish I could see what they see.

Why can't I stop being afraid of failure?

My Internal Organs are Having a Raging Debate.

I wish I could still trust myself. My mind is telling me one thing, my heart another. I don't know which to believe, or which to trust. I am consciously trying to protect myself, yet at the same time I'm trying to let go. There used to be a time when my heart and mind were in sync, I had no conflicts...those days are long gone.

I feel like I can't trust my intuition anymore. I don't know what I want, or what I need. I used to know exactly what I wanted, and I never thought about it, I just went for it. I almost always got what I wanted. Now I hesitate. I wonder WHY I want it. I don't feel like I deserve it anymore.

I know why I feel this way. He made me think I didn't deserve it. I never got reassurance...you always left me wondering what I'd done wrong. I always felt inadequate, and that I just wasn't good enough. I was always jealous...always wondering. I could never trust you, I doubted you, so in turn I ended up doubting myself.

I know now that I did nothing wrong. It just wasn't right, it was awful actually. We were so wrong for each other it was just ridiculous. I am glad we broke up. I have found out more about myself because of it and I know it was right. And I know I will be OK.

I am figuring out a way to trust myself again. It is slow going, but I have people to help me and wait for me. I know I can trust them and that they will be there for me. You may have shaken my self-confidence, but I will bounce back, stronger than before. My heart and mind will once again be OK with each other. I can't wait for that day.

To Mulch, Ben&Jerry's, Aftershock and DTM.

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Score One For Peanut Butter and Chocolate.

I love...

anything that has peanut butter and chocolate in it.

Oreo milkshakes.

phone calls from friends.

making people laugh.

lying in bed on a Saturday morning with warm blankets, the window open and nothing to do.

cuddling.

when someone plays with my hair.

hugs.

when you can look into someone's eyes and know that they are thinking the EXACT same thing as you...be it nice or mean.

my cats purr. It's so comforting.

guys shoulders. They are H-O-T.

the way my mommy smells.

reading a really good book. Over and over and over again.

that I have people to protect and defend me.

that my friends support me no matter what.

the smell of freshly cut grass.

chocolate milk.

fudge and beer. Who knew they were a good combination?

cottages. There's just something about them that makes me happy.

laughing until I cry.

my pillow.

when my Daddy hugs me. No other hug can compare.

that my friends let me vent/bitch. And most of the time they join in.

dancing.

Pachabel's Canon. It's beautiful.

knowing that you want me. And that I want you.

when I don't procrastinate.

the feeling after a really good workout.

pie. Almost any kind, but especially strawberry rhubarb or blueberry.

my friends.

when my grandma says something crazy because it makes me giggle to think we'll ALL be like that one day.

knowing that my grandpa is watching over me.

learning. I know, I'm a huge nerd.

my eyes.

my parents.

that I'm comfortable enough with myself to know that I'm totally and completely crazy. But if you call me crazy, I will be extremely offended.

pajamas. They truly are my favourite article of clothing.

that I can be innocent enough to cry when watching the news, but strong enough to stand up for myself.

ice cream.

watching movies with my friends, curled up in pajamas with blankets and pillows. Because you never end up watching the movie.

you.

Wants Vs. Needs

The things I need I never want.

I always want what I can't have. It's a challenge.

My life is full of wants, but not necessarily things I need.

The things I want aren't always the things I need.

What happens when you get what you want, but not what you need?

What if you get what you need, but it's not what you want?

How do you combine the two? It is one of life's challenges.

I save money for the things I want, but not the things I need. I'll be damned if I'll spend my own hard earned money on groceries, but I don't mind blowing $285 on a pair of jeans. Figure that one out.

I want to be alone, but I need people around me while I am doing it.

I want constant reassurance about my looks, but I need somebody to look past them and see who I really am. I get pissed off when guys say that I'm hot, yet I need my friends to tell me constantly that they think I'm pretty. How messed up is that? It also pisses my friends off.

I want to believe in myself, but I need to find a way how to do that.

How do I get what I want and what I need at the same time?

I Am Angry.

I am angry and disappointed in myself right now.

And I'm angry at you.

But mostly I am angry at myself.

I hate that I let myself believe and that I trusted you.

I am angry that you gave me false hope.

I feel betrayed, lost, confused, disappointed and heartbroken.

And angry. Always angry.

I am angry that you didn't pick me.

I am upset that I let myself hope for the impossible.

An Emotional Hermit

I think I am becoming an emotional hermit, a recluse if you will. Lately I have found that my emotions are so deep inside me that sometimes even I can't tell what I'm feeling. The only thing I do when I feel emotion is cry. I shrink away when people show emotions in front of me...I shut down. I panic and don't know what to do. I think I have always been quite guarded with my feelings, but lately I feel as though I have retreated inside myself and I'm not coming out. Kind of like a crab.

I have always been careful in who I trust. I am quite open about my life, but only a few people know the dark secrets that really make me who I am. And I don't even think they really know me anyways. I am careful about what I let show. Sometimes I lose control and let things slip...usually in moments of drunkenness. But even though I am an impulsive person I don't usually put myself out there in a vulnerable position. I have before...and I won't be making that mistake again. Most of what I say is carefully thought through, even though it may not seem like it at times. I let people know what I want them to know...let them think what I want them to think. There are very few situations were I don't have tight control of my emotions and most of the time of the entire situation.

I have put a shield around myself for protection. I have been badly burned in the past and I don't particularly wish to repeat the experience. Lately I find myself not trusting anyone, especially my friends. I feel as though I am caught up in a web of lies and I don't know what to believe anymore. There are so many stories, and so little truth that I can't believe a word out of anybody's mouth. People tell me one thing and then I hear from someone else a completely different story. Who should I trust? My answer right now is no one.

I think lately that I have felt the need to protect myself more because I feel abandoned...replaced if you will...not needed. I like to feel needed. Who doesn't? It gives me a purpose in life. It helps me think that if someone needs me here that it isn't all for nothing, that I have made a difference. But lately I don't feel needed at all. Certainly not by most of my friends. This summer has been really difficult for me emotionally. With friendships, relationships and tentative relationships. I have rediscovered a connection I thought I lost, grown apart from most of my friends, almost destroyed a friendship because of dating (thank god we're pulling through that) and I've been burned by a friend. Bad.

It is getting to a point where I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't want to confront my emotions, and I certainly don't want to deal with anyone else's feelings. I know, how selfish of me. But lately it seems as though nobody has any regard for my feelings, so why should I care about theirs? Friends say they understand, but they are the ones causing these feelings. So they don't. And maybe they can't. Who knows.

All I know is that I've lost so much trust in people, in my friends really, that I won't be letting anybody in anytime soon. I don't want to. I feel as though I've had enough. And I believe I have.

Gaining my trust is hard enough...but trying to get it back after it's been lost is nearly impossible.