Never Been A Sinner, Never Sinned

Me demonstrating why I wish I could live my live as a cat. He gets to be wrapped in my sheets and lying in the sun while I'm doing work? Fuck that.

Procrastinating and dancing around to Avril Lavigne's 'Girlfriend' song. It's kind of a horrid, pop-ish, girly song but I kind of like it. It gets me all riled up to go to the gym and makes me jump around....as shown in the photos. hahaha that last photo makes me laugh b/c of the stupid look on my face. I'm all like, "YAH, this is the SHIT" but really it's just me jumping around by myself.

I wasn't going to put the first photo in because of the whole headless thing, but I decided I should because it shows that my legs have gotten thinner. HA. I just like photographic proof that all my sweating and grossness at the gym is paying off. I started a modified version of the Special K diet too. I don't want to completely starve myself because I would die at the gym, so I allow myself fruit or nuts or veggies as a snack, and I try to eat a relatively low-cal dinner. I got pissed because I realized that even though I'm getting more muscular my hotness factor wasn't upping because I still had a nasty layer of fat over the muscles, hence the Special K diet. I'm hoping this bodies' here for the long-term. HAHAHA, I just noticed I'm kind of giving the finger in the top picture. It was totally an accident.

P.S. Anyone who hasn't read Raymi the Minx's blog should do so IMMEDIATELY if not sooner. The link is on my page. And also, you should check out Merkeleys??? pictures. Because even though they are of naked chicks, they are awesome, partly because of the nakedness. Emily started putting them up on her site and I LOVE them. They are so different and interesting. I love it. If I had the courage I would so want to pose for him. Although, I think Tony would kill me.....and then my Dad probably would too.

ALSO, I was being a loser listening to my mom's CDs, and the Forest Gump soundtrack is actually pretty awesome. Clearly they are old songs, but so awesome at the same time. I already knew all the songs and could sing along, so I didn't feel like a huge loser for not knowing the words. I was also clearly by myself in the car, as I would never subject anyone to have to listen to me singing. I am especially obsessed with Spirit In The Sky by The Eagles. Don't know if there are other bands who sing it, but this is awesome. It's kind of country-ish/religious, but so awesome at the same time. So classic.

This is what happens when I am BORED.

So this is what happens when I am ridiculously bored and waiting for an e-mail from the lab tech about my plasmids. I know you don't care, but I'm telling you anyways. I should be doing something productive, like my research project, applying for jobs, putting my furniture up on thecannon.ca to sell it...but instead I am being narcissistic and taking pictures of myself.

I am really getting into this whole 'gym' thing. I am actually CRAVING gym trips now. Like my body has too much energy to just not go. I'm sure Meghan will be pleased when I tell her. I went yesterday because Iwas dying to go. Weird. I actually did my entire first workout, twice, and threw in some exercises from my "Day 2" workout. She taught me this new one, and I absolutely love it. Except the stairs. Those are killer. I will have a hot body eventually. And I'm actually enjoying getting it. Maybe my lifepath should be a personal trainer?! HAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, I couldn't even keep a straight face there for more than two seconds.

I think that all the working out is being balanced out by the chocolate and ice cream cravings I've been having. Ohhh and starchy stuff. Like salt and vinegar Pringles. It's ridiculous.

I am crazily looking forward to The Hills tonight. YESSSSS!!!! I freaking LOVE that show. It is horribly mindless, stupid, self-absorbed and life-wasting, but I love it anyways.

Lately I've had the feeling that I've been so self-absorbed, hence the huge shopping spree this past weekend. However, I think it's just stress. I'm graduating in like....four weeks? That is the SCARIEST thought ever. Not really looking forward to having to work for the next, oh forty odd years. ICK. So I'm stressed about finding a job, having a place to live, earning money, passing my classes, finishing my research project, losing weight, Tony and a whole bunch of other things. So if I've seemed a bit selfish lately it's just because I have a lot on my mind and am worried about a bunch of things. I'm not going to apologize for it because everybody gets stressed and can have a lot going on in their life.

mmmmmmmm shopping. *drool*

Life is short.
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,

And never regret anything that made you smile.


I got that in an e-mail from my Mommy, and I thought it was kind of cute and very true. Cliche, but true.

Oh man, I went on a mega shopping spree yesterday and now I cannot afford to live. hahaha. It was kind of ridiculous, but since I got 40% off at American Eagle I went a little nuts. THEN they didn't give me the full discount, so now I have to drive my ass back up to Sherway so they can fix it. SO annoying. But probably worth the extra $80 I'll save. And trust me...I need that $80. My mom then bought me stuff from the Gap and shoes from Aldo. I have to say that I'm soooo surprised she bought me anything because we're going to New York in May and apparently the hotels there in May cost an absolute fortune. Who knows, maybe we'll be sleeping on a park bench like she said. At least I'll look hot. hahaha.

ew, last night I fell asleep at like 9:45 on the couch watching figure skating with my mom. If I'm not the biggest loser ever I don't want to know who is. I was so tired I couldn't even keep my eyes open, it was ridiculous. I guess shopping and the gym takes a lot out of you. Wow, I lead a hard life. But grossest of all was that I fell asleep with my make-up still on. I HATE that. It's the grossest feeling ever when you wake up at like 4 in the morning and realize that it's still on there. It makes me feel like....what's that word? oh yes, a dried-out old prostitute that fell asleep on the curb. Yes that sounds about right.

So this morning after I washed my face, I used this peel-off mask because just washing my face after falling asleep in make-up isn't enough to make me feel clean. ick. So anyways, there I am peeling off this mask (which makes your face look soooo ridiculously shiny), which makes it look like your skin is melting off your face and I realized that someone other than my parents or Melissa is going to have to see me looking like this one day. I mean, unless I end up living alone with my multitude of cats (which is SO possible) then my future boyfriend/husband/pimp is going to have to see me looking like that. I wonder if there is going to come a point where it is SO normal to see your significant other looking like that that you don't even make fun of them. I think that might be a sad day.

I mean I have absolutely no problem about being seen without my make-up on. I mean, seriously, who cares? I learned long ago that if someone doesn't still love you when you have no make-up on that they aren't worth it. This was learned when my friend Ashleigh showed up at her boyfriend's house with no make-up and he was like, "EW, please go home, put make-up on and then come back. We'll catch the later movie." I mean, how awful is that?! And she didn't break up with him immediately. Shame on her. But I mean there is a big difference to me of being seen without make-up or washing your face and being seen pulling off an exfoliating mask which apparently is supposed to make my skin soft and smooth. I don't think I could handle that until at least five years of being together. And like, could I make a special section of the living quarters mine and he is not allowed to infiltrate?! Like, I don't think he'd like me walking in and catching him using my moisturizer or shaving his chest....or worse. EWWWWWWWWWW. I think the prospect of a section of house that is my own would be pretty sweet. Then I would never have to face questions like, "What does this do?" "Do you REALLY need four blush colours?" and "OH MY GOD! YOUR SKIN IS MELTING OFF!!!!". Which frankly would become annoying. Ah well, maybe this is one of those things where I'm just being weird and territorial and it's really no big deal. Who knows.

Spencer Is A Dick

Soooo, for years I have been telling everyone that Austin, Melissa's cat, is freaking insane and attacks us. No one ever believes me. Now I have photographic proof.

These pictures ALSO prove that I have absolutely no life except for procrastination. Ah well. It keeps me amused.

So instead of going out and getting rocked out of my mind on St. Patty's Day I went and saw Zodiac. It is a relatively decent movie...some parts were a little scary. Tony made fun of me for like ten minutes after I jumped when he shot a guy. Thanks a lot. It was a freaking long ass movie, almost three hours. When I stood up at the end, my knees cracked and my back was sore. I thought that was supposed to happen when you're 60, not 22. I feel old.

Also, my mom made fun of me for like ten minutes about how I didn't even drink anything on St. Patty's Day. Apparently my great-great-grandmother and grandfather on someone's side is from outside of Belfast. So I really AM part Irish and don't have to pretend! Unfortunately, I also didn't drink...and discovered I have almost no green clothes...which is kind of sad.

Some good news, my PCR FINALLLLLLY worked. Or at least gave me some sort of result. For the past two or three months I've been extracting DNA and then trying to amplify it and for some reason the DNA disappears when I try to run it on a gel. But now it finally worked! YEEEESSSS! Maybe now I won't fail my research project and consequently life.

Ohhhh man, The Hills is such a stupid and awesome show at the same time. Throughout the entire episode I just make fun of everyone, and then in the last five minutes of the show someone will get into a HUUUUGE fight and make it all worthwhile for watching. Although I swear I can feel my IQ dropping while watching the show.

I'm pissed that you're not talking to me right now. Thanks for appreciating all I've done.......that was sarcasm by the way.

F That

Have you ever looked in the mirror and not recognized yourself? Sat there wondering who that person is and what they have become. That happened to me today. All I thought was, "I remember who I used to be, but what happened?" To be honest, I'm a little disappointed in myself. That I lost who I was.

I remember a time when I was actually a person I kind of liked. You know that question in those stupid e-mail surveys where they ask if you would be friends with yourself? I always think no, but then write maybe. I used to answer yes. I used to be able to make friends and not care what other people thought and just be friendly. I wonder when that went away. I feel like I'm socially inept and retarded...that I just don't get how it works anymore. I'm not too sure when I lost that...when I lost my self-confidence and the ability to believe that I was a good person.

It's gotten to a point where I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid that if I try I'll be rejected. Probably because I've been so blatantly rejected in the past. People just brush other people off and don't think about it for two seconds. They don't think about how that makes you feel. I do it too. We all do it. You engage in a conversation with someone and just forget about the other person standing there. Most of the time now I'm just the other person. And I don't know how that happened.

I hate to sound conceited, but I know I'm pretty. It's probably the only thing I know about myself for sure. I may not have the best body or be the smartest girl or have any special athletic ability, but I'm pretty. That's what I am. I hate to think that that's all I am or all I get to be. Do you ever notice that the girls who are attractive, but not outright pretty get to be fun and outgoing and quirky and loud...and if the pretty girls act that way they are labelled as conceited or bitchy or attention seeking? I have been told that I am attention seeking and egotistical before. It was a humiliating experience. But sometimes I wonder why I was told that? After all, the thing that I'm told most about myself is that I'm pretty, and I think I am. I don't think that's egotistical. I do not put other girls down to make myself feel better, or go around telling everyone that I think I'm amazing. But I toned it down. Maybe a bit too much.

And now it's not my looks that I am self-conscious about, like some girls. It's who I am. I've been told I can't be someone by somebody because I'm pretty. Or I'm told I'm pretty. I know, I sound so conceited right now, but it's just how I feel. I mean, I don't tell Melissa that she can't be funny or pretty because she's practically a genius. And nobody told Trish that she can't be a swimmer because she's interested in fashion. Not one person told Maria she couldn't be in a fashion show because she used to be a rower, or told Tina that she couldn't play volleyball or basketball because she liked to wear skirts. But apparently I can't be loud and outgoing because I'm 'pretty'. I think I might be just feeling sorry for myself right now because I am comparing myself to other girls who I feel that I should be like. That other people want me to be like.

I really just don't know anymore. I can't even think enough to really write a coherent blog. It's all, "Do you want me to be this?", "Is that what you want me to be like? Because I'm not her, and I never will be."

I don't WANT to be like her. And if you want me to be then you don't really know me at all. I am never going to be like her. So you need to get over it.

Ugh, glycogen phosphorylase

Taking classes like Structure and Function of Biochemistry makes me wonder why I decided to major in a science. Seriously. Could the name be any more boring? No. Could the class be anymore boring? Definitely not. My midterm is in two and a half hours, and I'm halfway through the lecture notes for the third time. It is turning my brain to mush. Do I care that phosphorylation of serine-14 disrupts an interaction between basic amino acids at the N-terminus? Fuck no.

I have a fairly large bruise on my shin from where Tony kicked me this weekend. He was trying to distract me from studying (if I fail, I blame him) and we ended up getting in a kicking fight. Real mature, I know. Sadly I would much rather be kicked by my boyfriend than study biochemistry.

Poor Tony really got screwed over this weekend. I got dinner, flowers, TCBY, two girlie movies and a pair of his pajama pants. He got kicked. I almost feel kind of bad for taking his pants. ALMOST. I'm actually surprised he gave them up with so little of a fight. I think it's because he didn't want to hear me bitching for the next three weeks about how he wouldn't give me the pants. Because I SO would have been annoying and brought it up like every other conversation. I'm annoying and immature like that.

So Maria has proposed an all-day drunkfest on St. Patty's day. I have to say that I'm intrigued and wonder if I can possibly last all day drinking when sometimes I can't even last a few hours. My tolerance has sure gone down from those good ol' high school days where I could drink twice a weekend, every weekend and be fine. Now it's like one cooler and I'm flat on my ass. Ah well, at least I don't spend that much money. haha.

I'M GOING TO NEW YORK!!!! HAHA!!! BITCHES!!!!! I'm so freaking excited to go! Going for five days with my mom and other people. And we're going to see Mary Poppins of all things. Odd. Ah well. I'm just excited to go shopping and see the Statue Of Liberty.

My mom said that she'd buy me a new pair of jeans to replace the ones that my fat ass ripped. I have been advised in my previous blog comments (from Emily) to keep wearing the jeans. Which I may do. Although the hole is in a slightly scandalous spot, but not too noticeable. It would be a shame if I wore them and then all of a sudden my entire ass was exposed. Although slightly amusing. I am now paranoid that ALL of my pants have holes in them and spent like an hour obsessively checking all my pants. No joke.

Fuzzy peaches, red bull and cheetos should NOT be allowed. uuuuugh.

Ok, back to studying. I needed a break from phrases like, 'glycogen phosphorylase', 'phosphoserine-binding domains' and anything to do with the cell cycle.

I realized today that I become emotionally attached to my clothes. I died a little inside today when I discovered that my favourite jeans EVER have a hole in them. That's right. A hole in my Sevens. My beautiful, wonderful, comfortable, ass-loving Sevens. Now I can see WHY there is a hole in them. I've worn them for about three times a week for the past two and a half years. They were finally perfectly molded to my ass and thighs and in the most awesome state of comfortableness ever. I may have to go and buy the exact same pair of jeans again. They are too wonderful to just give up. I should throw them in the garbage, but I just can't bring myself to do it. No lie. They are lying on my bed right now and I just don't have the heart to throw them out.

Makes me wonder if they just ripped because my ass loved them too much, or because my ass was too big.

So Delicious

1) Had a pretty good time at Charity Ball last night! It was kind of fun to dress up and pretend to be civilized. Nice to have to try to look nice sometimes and look hot. I was jealous of Nicole's dress because it was super pretty and colourful and I was wearing boring old black. And she had these cool purple shoes. And now I want purple shoes. Thanks a lot Nicole.




2) I bought a pack of the fruit flavoured mentos and I'm eating the whole damn package. Ah well. They're fruity and tasty.

3) I just got over a bout of the intestinal flu (or that's what I think it was) and I lost four pounds and my stomach shrunk. I don't know if my stomach shrinking is a good or bad thing. I don't eat NEARLY as much, but I kind of WANT to eat more. But at the same time I'm kind of happy with my slightly thinner self. But I bet I won't be slightly thinner after polishing off this package of mentos, and my dinner of Swiss Chalet and Oreo Ice Cream Sandwiches.

4) I want to be on a beach. NOW.

5) I've started listening to the radio in the car in an attempt to become cooler. No joke. I'm tired of being like, "I love this song!" and people are like, "Jaime, this is from 2005." Even worse was when I was like, "This song is awesome, when did it come out?" and Trish was like, "ummm 1977 or something." I felt like a moron.

6) I seriously wish I could harness the curly/waviness of my hair, but I just can't seem to do it. Once in awhile (like once a month) I will leave it to dry naturally and it will go nicely wavy evenly over my hair, but most of the time it goes like half straight-half curly frizzy and weird. I hate it. And I have this weird thing with products where I can't use them because I'm hair product retarded. It's annoying as hell. If I try to use products to make my hair curly it comes out like crunchy and drowned-rat looking. I hate it.

7) Had Swiss Chalet with Steve tonight. It was pretty sweet. I haven't had the Swiss in a loooong time and haven't seen Steve in an even longer time. Since like....way before Christmas. It was good times. Even better were the Oreo Ice Cream sandwiches we had for dessert. You know...because apparently Swiss Chalet isn't enough for us. What can I say? We're hardcore.

8) Fergalicious is one of the worst songs ever. I am listening to it right now. It's awful. It seems like it drills into your brain and just stays there. All of that spelling. Oh man.