Failure: 1, Jaime: 0

I have an irrational fear of not being good enough. At anything. Not thin enough, healthy enough, funny, smart, beautiful, modest, confident, sexy enough. If I keep this up, I will never be happy with myself. I always want to be more. If I accomplish something all I can think is, "If I had done this I would have received better results." I can never be happy, because I know I can do more.

I recently got 82 in my summer class, which considering the amount of work I did (next to none), is a relatively decent mark. All I could think was that if I had studied an extra day, done more for the discussions, started those damn assignments earlier...I would have got 85, or maybe even better. I will never be smart enough to please myself. I always want to figure everything out on the first try, and life just doesn't happen that way. Science doesn't happen that way. It is all about trial and error; I doubt I will ever survive in a lab for longer than a week. If I have to re-do a question; think about which experiment to use; take longer on a report than I thought...I am automatically a failure in my mind. Why do I expect so much out of myself?

I will always hate my body. I have come to the conclusion that even if I lost the seven pounds I so desperately feel I need to shed I would find something else to complain about. I've tried to see myself the way other people do. It never works. I eat basically whatever I want...my exercise routine isn't exactly strenuous. I am a size 28. Some people would kill for that. All I can think is that "I used to be a 26 or 27." Mind you I danced approximately 23-24 hours a week, so that definitely had something to do with it. I was younger and had a faster metabolism. Why can't I just accept my body shape?

I feel like I'm not good enough for you. And that I will always leave you wanting more. I don't know why you want me. I don't think I deserve what you do for me, the way you treat me. I don't want to disappoint you. And I don't want to disappoint myself.

It has reached the point where sometimes I don't even bother trying anymore. I am afraid I won't do it right the first time...and then what? What do I think will happen? That the world will stop...or that everybody will be gobsmacked because I couldn't accomplish something on the first try!? It's so ridiculous that if I could I would give myself an exasperated look. My friends and family are happy with who I am (I think....I'll assume so). They are proud of me and what I've accomplished so far...what I've got through, what I've studied...who I've become. I wish I could see what they see.

Why can't I stop being afraid of failure?