An Emotional Hermit

I think I am becoming an emotional hermit, a recluse if you will. Lately I have found that my emotions are so deep inside me that sometimes even I can't tell what I'm feeling. The only thing I do when I feel emotion is cry. I shrink away when people show emotions in front of me...I shut down. I panic and don't know what to do. I think I have always been quite guarded with my feelings, but lately I feel as though I have retreated inside myself and I'm not coming out. Kind of like a crab.

I have always been careful in who I trust. I am quite open about my life, but only a few people know the dark secrets that really make me who I am. And I don't even think they really know me anyways. I am careful about what I let show. Sometimes I lose control and let things slip...usually in moments of drunkenness. But even though I am an impulsive person I don't usually put myself out there in a vulnerable position. I have before...and I won't be making that mistake again. Most of what I say is carefully thought through, even though it may not seem like it at times. I let people know what I want them to know...let them think what I want them to think. There are very few situations were I don't have tight control of my emotions and most of the time of the entire situation.

I have put a shield around myself for protection. I have been badly burned in the past and I don't particularly wish to repeat the experience. Lately I find myself not trusting anyone, especially my friends. I feel as though I am caught up in a web of lies and I don't know what to believe anymore. There are so many stories, and so little truth that I can't believe a word out of anybody's mouth. People tell me one thing and then I hear from someone else a completely different story. Who should I trust? My answer right now is no one.

I think lately that I have felt the need to protect myself more because I feel abandoned...replaced if you will...not needed. I like to feel needed. Who doesn't? It gives me a purpose in life. It helps me think that if someone needs me here that it isn't all for nothing, that I have made a difference. But lately I don't feel needed at all. Certainly not by most of my friends. This summer has been really difficult for me emotionally. With friendships, relationships and tentative relationships. I have rediscovered a connection I thought I lost, grown apart from most of my friends, almost destroyed a friendship because of dating (thank god we're pulling through that) and I've been burned by a friend. Bad.

It is getting to a point where I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't want to confront my emotions, and I certainly don't want to deal with anyone else's feelings. I know, how selfish of me. But lately it seems as though nobody has any regard for my feelings, so why should I care about theirs? Friends say they understand, but they are the ones causing these feelings. So they don't. And maybe they can't. Who knows.

All I know is that I've lost so much trust in people, in my friends really, that I won't be letting anybody in anytime soon. I don't want to. I feel as though I've had enough. And I believe I have.

Gaining my trust is hard enough...but trying to get it back after it's been lost is nearly impossible.