Failure: 1, Jaime: 0

I have an irrational fear of not being good enough. At anything. Not thin enough, healthy enough, funny, smart, beautiful, modest, confident, sexy enough. If I keep this up, I will never be happy with myself. I always want to be more. If I accomplish something all I can think is, "If I had done this I would have received better results." I can never be happy, because I know I can do more.

I recently got 82 in my summer class, which considering the amount of work I did (next to none), is a relatively decent mark. All I could think was that if I had studied an extra day, done more for the discussions, started those damn assignments earlier...I would have got 85, or maybe even better. I will never be smart enough to please myself. I always want to figure everything out on the first try, and life just doesn't happen that way. Science doesn't happen that way. It is all about trial and error; I doubt I will ever survive in a lab for longer than a week. If I have to re-do a question; think about which experiment to use; take longer on a report than I thought...I am automatically a failure in my mind. Why do I expect so much out of myself?

I will always hate my body. I have come to the conclusion that even if I lost the seven pounds I so desperately feel I need to shed I would find something else to complain about. I've tried to see myself the way other people do. It never works. I eat basically whatever I want...my exercise routine isn't exactly strenuous. I am a size 28. Some people would kill for that. All I can think is that "I used to be a 26 or 27." Mind you I danced approximately 23-24 hours a week, so that definitely had something to do with it. I was younger and had a faster metabolism. Why can't I just accept my body shape?

I feel like I'm not good enough for you. And that I will always leave you wanting more. I don't know why you want me. I don't think I deserve what you do for me, the way you treat me. I don't want to disappoint you. And I don't want to disappoint myself.

It has reached the point where sometimes I don't even bother trying anymore. I am afraid I won't do it right the first time...and then what? What do I think will happen? That the world will stop...or that everybody will be gobsmacked because I couldn't accomplish something on the first try!? It's so ridiculous that if I could I would give myself an exasperated look. My friends and family are happy with who I am (I think....I'll assume so). They are proud of me and what I've accomplished so far...what I've got through, what I've studied...who I've become. I wish I could see what they see.

Why can't I stop being afraid of failure?

My Internal Organs are Having a Raging Debate.

I wish I could still trust myself. My mind is telling me one thing, my heart another. I don't know which to believe, or which to trust. I am consciously trying to protect myself, yet at the same time I'm trying to let go. There used to be a time when my heart and mind were in sync, I had no conflicts...those days are long gone.

I feel like I can't trust my intuition anymore. I don't know what I want, or what I need. I used to know exactly what I wanted, and I never thought about it, I just went for it. I almost always got what I wanted. Now I hesitate. I wonder WHY I want it. I don't feel like I deserve it anymore.

I know why I feel this way. He made me think I didn't deserve it. I never got reassurance...you always left me wondering what I'd done wrong. I always felt inadequate, and that I just wasn't good enough. I was always jealous...always wondering. I could never trust you, I doubted you, so in turn I ended up doubting myself.

I know now that I did nothing wrong. It just wasn't right, it was awful actually. We were so wrong for each other it was just ridiculous. I am glad we broke up. I have found out more about myself because of it and I know it was right. And I know I will be OK.

I am figuring out a way to trust myself again. It is slow going, but I have people to help me and wait for me. I know I can trust them and that they will be there for me. You may have shaken my self-confidence, but I will bounce back, stronger than before. My heart and mind will once again be OK with each other. I can't wait for that day.

To Mulch, Ben&Jerry's, Aftershock and DTM.

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Score One For Peanut Butter and Chocolate.

I love...

anything that has peanut butter and chocolate in it.

Oreo milkshakes.

phone calls from friends.

making people laugh.

lying in bed on a Saturday morning with warm blankets, the window open and nothing to do.

cuddling.

when someone plays with my hair.

hugs.

when you can look into someone's eyes and know that they are thinking the EXACT same thing as you...be it nice or mean.

my cats purr. It's so comforting.

guys shoulders. They are H-O-T.

the way my mommy smells.

reading a really good book. Over and over and over again.

that I have people to protect and defend me.

that my friends support me no matter what.

the smell of freshly cut grass.

chocolate milk.

fudge and beer. Who knew they were a good combination?

cottages. There's just something about them that makes me happy.

laughing until I cry.

my pillow.

when my Daddy hugs me. No other hug can compare.

that my friends let me vent/bitch. And most of the time they join in.

dancing.

Pachabel's Canon. It's beautiful.

knowing that you want me. And that I want you.

when I don't procrastinate.

the feeling after a really good workout.

pie. Almost any kind, but especially strawberry rhubarb or blueberry.

my friends.

when my grandma says something crazy because it makes me giggle to think we'll ALL be like that one day.

knowing that my grandpa is watching over me.

learning. I know, I'm a huge nerd.

my eyes.

my parents.

that I'm comfortable enough with myself to know that I'm totally and completely crazy. But if you call me crazy, I will be extremely offended.

pajamas. They truly are my favourite article of clothing.

that I can be innocent enough to cry when watching the news, but strong enough to stand up for myself.

ice cream.

watching movies with my friends, curled up in pajamas with blankets and pillows. Because you never end up watching the movie.

you.

Wants Vs. Needs

The things I need I never want.

I always want what I can't have. It's a challenge.

My life is full of wants, but not necessarily things I need.

The things I want aren't always the things I need.

What happens when you get what you want, but not what you need?

What if you get what you need, but it's not what you want?

How do you combine the two? It is one of life's challenges.

I save money for the things I want, but not the things I need. I'll be damned if I'll spend my own hard earned money on groceries, but I don't mind blowing $285 on a pair of jeans. Figure that one out.

I want to be alone, but I need people around me while I am doing it.

I want constant reassurance about my looks, but I need somebody to look past them and see who I really am. I get pissed off when guys say that I'm hot, yet I need my friends to tell me constantly that they think I'm pretty. How messed up is that? It also pisses my friends off.

I want to believe in myself, but I need to find a way how to do that.

How do I get what I want and what I need at the same time?

I Am Angry.

I am angry and disappointed in myself right now.

And I'm angry at you.

But mostly I am angry at myself.

I hate that I let myself believe and that I trusted you.

I am angry that you gave me false hope.

I feel betrayed, lost, confused, disappointed and heartbroken.

And angry. Always angry.

I am angry that you didn't pick me.

I am upset that I let myself hope for the impossible.

An Emotional Hermit

I think I am becoming an emotional hermit, a recluse if you will. Lately I have found that my emotions are so deep inside me that sometimes even I can't tell what I'm feeling. The only thing I do when I feel emotion is cry. I shrink away when people show emotions in front of me...I shut down. I panic and don't know what to do. I think I have always been quite guarded with my feelings, but lately I feel as though I have retreated inside myself and I'm not coming out. Kind of like a crab.

I have always been careful in who I trust. I am quite open about my life, but only a few people know the dark secrets that really make me who I am. And I don't even think they really know me anyways. I am careful about what I let show. Sometimes I lose control and let things slip...usually in moments of drunkenness. But even though I am an impulsive person I don't usually put myself out there in a vulnerable position. I have before...and I won't be making that mistake again. Most of what I say is carefully thought through, even though it may not seem like it at times. I let people know what I want them to know...let them think what I want them to think. There are very few situations were I don't have tight control of my emotions and most of the time of the entire situation.

I have put a shield around myself for protection. I have been badly burned in the past and I don't particularly wish to repeat the experience. Lately I find myself not trusting anyone, especially my friends. I feel as though I am caught up in a web of lies and I don't know what to believe anymore. There are so many stories, and so little truth that I can't believe a word out of anybody's mouth. People tell me one thing and then I hear from someone else a completely different story. Who should I trust? My answer right now is no one.

I think lately that I have felt the need to protect myself more because I feel abandoned...replaced if you will...not needed. I like to feel needed. Who doesn't? It gives me a purpose in life. It helps me think that if someone needs me here that it isn't all for nothing, that I have made a difference. But lately I don't feel needed at all. Certainly not by most of my friends. This summer has been really difficult for me emotionally. With friendships, relationships and tentative relationships. I have rediscovered a connection I thought I lost, grown apart from most of my friends, almost destroyed a friendship because of dating (thank god we're pulling through that) and I've been burned by a friend. Bad.

It is getting to a point where I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't want to confront my emotions, and I certainly don't want to deal with anyone else's feelings. I know, how selfish of me. But lately it seems as though nobody has any regard for my feelings, so why should I care about theirs? Friends say they understand, but they are the ones causing these feelings. So they don't. And maybe they can't. Who knows.

All I know is that I've lost so much trust in people, in my friends really, that I won't be letting anybody in anytime soon. I don't want to. I feel as though I've had enough. And I believe I have.

Gaining my trust is hard enough...but trying to get it back after it's been lost is nearly impossible.

Hope

Everyone needs a little hope in their lives. It's probably one of the most important things in life. If you don't hope for something more then you will never achieve anything. Everything would just be at a stand still. Hope gives people motivation. But in the end is hope just wanting something that you can't have?

Lately I have found myself hoping for a lot of things, most of them not possible. Am I just expecting too much out of life? Everyone knows that life is unfair, it's a lesson learned at an ungodly young age, but when you hope for something, isn't the sky the limit? But does hoping mean that it will come true? Definitely not. So why do I expect everything that I hope for to just miracuously happen? Am I hoping for the impossible? Or am I just hoping for something that deep down I know won't come true so I won't have to deal with it?

Still lately I have found myself just disappointed in a lot of things...a lot of people. Are they changing or are my expectations too high? Maybe I am just putting my faith in the wrong people. Hoping that they will realize their mistakes before it is too late. Then again, who realizes a mistake before it is too late? No one. Sometimes I wish I could squish that little bubble of hope that I get in my stomach (you all know what I'm talking about), just so that I won't end up feeling disappointed. Even when I KNOW something isn't going to happen, or someone isn't going to call me, I still get that damn bubble of hope. And each time I'm let down it hurts a little more, that bubble of hope gets a little smaller.

It is still important to have hope in your life, but do you need to be selective about what you hope for? I didn't used to think so, but as I get older and life seems to get more unfair, it seems that it may be true.

In the end does hope only lead to disappointment?

Things I've Learned...continued.

So for my very first blog I made a list of things that I have learned in life. It turns out that I have learned more than I thought, which is probably a good thing. If I had only learned 30 things in 22 years of life...well, that would be kind of sad, don't you agree? So I have decided to expand/add to my list of life lessons (is 22 years a life? who knows).

I've learned that...

1) ice cream can't cure everything...but it sure does taste good.

2) sunscreen is my soulmate.

3) I am extremely impulsive and indulgent...almost to the point of recklessness.

4) to most people you are replaceable...even disposable, but to a precious few you are irreplaceable.

5) I inherited my lack of patience from my mother.

6) I hate it when someone says they 'know me'...and they really couldn't have a clue.

7) some people are just better off as friends.

8) you can never rely on beauty...it will fade.

9) you can't expect someone to know you if you don't know yourself.

10) our society is too focused on what's on the outside.

11) I am not as obsessed with shopping as everyone thinks.

12) I hate working. Period. End of story.

13) if someone tells me to do something...I will refuse to do it. But if I'm left alone, I will do it without being told. For example, the more someone complains about me not calling them...the more I refuse to call.

14) my intuition is usually right.

15) I don't regret many things that I've done, but I regret things that I didn't do or say.

16) I use money as a way of feeling secure.

17) living with a friend can ruin a friendship.

18) most days I feel like the statue. (you know...the whole 'some days you're the statue, some days you're the pigeon' thing)

19) 90% of my first impressions are wrong. And I'm glad.

20) I have ridiculously high expectations of myself.

21) if I can't get it right on the first try I will usually give up. That is a bad thing.

22) it is WAY too easy to break someone's heart...or have yours broken.

23) I am extremely picky about the way I eat my food and the order in which I do things. My french fries must be paired by size, and if they don't have another one similar in size than I will only eat one at a time. I am also strongly against 'mixing' food...I will eat all my veggies, and only when I am done one thing will I start eating the next. I must do things in the shower, at work and while studying in a specific order or I get flustered and have to start over. I am weird like that.

24) I am ridiculously stubborn and proud. Good luck getting me to admit that I was wrong.

25) I am a worrier. I worry about everything and everyone at all times. It is not a productive hobby.

26) I have almost no willpower when it comes to dieting and being healthy. Case in point, I have eaten fast food everyday for the past eight days.

27) I am way too obsessed with Harry Potter.

28) deep down I love romance. But I pretend not too. Bring me flowers and I may just swoon.

29) I am a girly-girl. Yes, I am afraid of spiders and centipedes, I like to shop and wear make-up and have sleepovers with my friends. Is there REALLY anything wrong with that?

30) some girls will do anything to get you back. It is really kind of sad.

Does growing up mean we have to grow apart?

Unfortunately, we all have to grow up. This is something I have been resisting for YEARS now. But I fear that my time might be drawing near. I've grown up with a fantastic group of friends that I am mostly still friends with to this day. They are the most wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, funny, silly and fantastic people I have EVER met in my life (I realize I may be a bit biased), and I wouldn't be who I am without them. They are always supportive and I am pretty sure that if I murdered someone they would find a way to say that the person had it coming. I can always count on them to talk with about something, from my fear of being a failure in life to what to wear (seems trivial, but really...it's not). Sure my friends annoy me sometimes...but who ISN'T annoying sometimes? I am the first to admit that I will drive you crazy if you spend too much time with me...hell I drive myself crazy sometimes.

Yet lately I feel as though I am being left behind, that we are all growing apart. This is understandable, people obviously change as we grow older, but I was under the impression we were supposed to embrace those changes. I have clearly changed too in these past years away at University. I have made new friends and hopefully changed slightly for the better. It would be odd and sadly pathetic if we all stayed the same and there was no personal growth. Of course there are always people that change for the worse....or the characteristics that annoy you become more pronounced. I used to be able to put up with a lot more from certain friends, and lately I find myself rolling my eyes at their selfishness and wondering how they can be so freaking self-absorbed. I wonder if they have always been this way and it is me who changed...or have they changed and it is simply more noticeable now? Maybe I will never know. What I do know is that I am less likely to put up with it now. I won't let them guilt trip me into giving them a ride, or always talking about their problems or making me think that I am the bad friend. Is that a change for the better? I would like to think so. I don't want to feel used by them anymore, that is not how a friend is supposed to feel.

I feel as though I am losing one friend in particular, and it just breaks my heart. I don't know when it happened...I can't pinpoint the time. I wish I could, because I want to change it so badly, but I just don't know what to do. This girl is my other half...my better half actually. She's incredible and never ceases to amaze me with her strength and beauty...both on the inside and out. She has been through more in life than I can even imagine and yet she is such a person, it just amazes me. Yet all that she's been through, she has never hesitated to help me with my problems and talk to me. There is one particular time that I never could have made it through without her. Even though I was surrounded by other people who were supportive...she was the one I needed. The only one who would listen to me...and see through the lies I was telling...that I was ok. Because she knows I wasn't. She used to be the one I would turn to first...I always wanted her opinion first...I knew she would tell the truth, whether it's harsh or not. She makes me confront my feelings, even when I don't want to. Even now that I feel we aren't as close, she's still the only one I can talk to about specific problems...the ones that I wouldn't even dream of turning to my other friends for. Still, I feel as though there is a space between us...and I just can't get through it. There is awkward silences where there used to be comfortable silences...things left unsaid.
Maybe it started because she thought she was a bad friend...but she wasn't. At least I don't think she was, she was the only one with the guts to tell me that the guy I was dating was a jerk and was wrong for me. And she was right, I wish I had listened to her sooner...actually I wish I had listened to her at all, maybe then I wouldn't feel like a fool. It's possible that it's because I feel slightly hurt and replaced by her boyfriend and new friends...jealous of them. It's a stupid thing to think...but I still think it. It's not as if I haven't made new friends too, so I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do...and I know it's a bit selfish, but I never said I was perfect. I used to be the one she turned to for help...and now I find out things that happen in her life through third parties or she tells me as an afterthought.
I too, find myself hesitating when talking to her now...maybe she's just had enough of me...I couldn't blame her. Honestly though, I just miss her and spending time with her. It feels as though I haven't seen her in years when in reality I just saw her or just talked to her. I know that we will always be friends...but can we get back to what we used to be? It seems almost impossible, but I will never stop trying.

It just makes me wonder: why does growing up mean that we have to grow apart?

Facing Fears

I don't like to admit to most of my fears. Sure being afraid of a spider is one thing...but emotional fears are much harder to face. It's kind of scary and depressing to say that you're afraid you're going to die alone, probably found weeks later half eaten by wild dogs(thank you Bridget Jones). I've realized lately that I am afraid of a lot of things...too many things. Why am I so afraid? Why do I worry so much about being afraid? It's a perfectly natural feeling. I think mostly that I just don't like to admit that I have fears because it shows weakness. So, I thought that admitting my fears to myself might help me overcome them...well who am I kidding...I will never not scream when I see a centipede.


I'm afraid...

that no one will ever truly know who I am.

that some boys will never see past my looks...as conceited as that sounds.

of spiders, centipedes, millipedes, caterpillars...anything with multiple legs is just unnatural.

that I will never get that "feeling" in my stomach again.

that I made a rash decision.

that I was wrong.

that I will never know my parents.

that I will never find something that makes me truly happy.

that my friends are going to forget me when they're all grown up and have successful jobs and babies.

of trusting the wrong people in life.

of being alone in the dark.

that one day I will wake up and be a bitter old woman...oh wait, that was this morning.

that I will never find someone to love me for who I am.

that everyone is moving on without me.

that I am going to let my parents down.

of never living up to the person I want to be.

of really loud thunder.

that I will never regain my self-confidence.

that someone's kiss will never make my knees weak again.

that my friends have no clue who I am.

of growing up too fast.

that I will never have children.

of dying.

that I will never be able to travel.

of never knowing who I truly am.

of horror movies.

that I will give up on love.



What are your fears?

Letting Go

In life there are a lot of things that you have to let go of, but you probably don't want to. Pets, a favourite T-Shirt, inhibitions, anger, sometimes a friend. Letting go of anger is probably one of the hardest things to do, I would know. I am generally an angry person...I prefer the word passionate...but I've been told I'm angry. I think recently though that I've learned how to let go of some of that anger, and accepted that there are some things that just are not going to change.

A lot of letting go of anger is forgiveness...if you stop bringing up that incident that occured four years ago it might help a bit. Or just becoming a more "easy-going, less emotional" person helps too. The more you let go, the less that's going to piss you off. I have a friend who barely 'lets things go' and gets upset very easily, and through her I've learned it's important to pick your fights and some things are just not going to go your way. Now, she wouldn't be who she is if she wasn't like that and that's never going to change, I don't think I'd want it to. Picking your fights is an important thing, because if you fight over every little thing that happens then your relationships are going to be on edge a lot. And sometimes, they won't last as long as they should. Of course, there are some things that you just can't let go of or forgive, I am lucky to have experienced very little of these situations.

I find that a lot of anger is towards people I don't know, such as people who just walk into you on the street thinking that they own the sidewalk, people who ask ridiculously stupid questions in the middle of class ("What EXACTLY is a gene again Dr. Rye?"), those who cause all of the violence and hurt in our world and people who have a general lack of respect towards others. Is it really that hard to say excuse me if you accidentally bump into someone? Not really, I do it all the time. But I've realized that some people are just going to be jerks.

Recently I have forgiven someone for a situation in the past. I was very angry with this person and very upset, and it was affecting my relationships with people today. I found it was hurting me more than it was hurting him. Now this person and I have quite the history together; we were very close and basically a part of our everyday lives (saw each other basically everyday, talked if we didn't see each other, spent the night at each other's houses, etc). We ended up breaking up and I found something out that I wasn't impressed with because he lied to me about it. And it broke my heart. I basically cut this person out of my life, and at the time, it seemed like the best idea for both of us. We both moved on to new relationships (some better than others) and it was about eight months before we started talking again. I am glad that we did because I missed him in my life and he understands me in a way that some people just don't or can't. Sure I am still upset about the lying, but that's the way life goes.

Sometimes you just have to let it go.

I've learned...

Alright, so I've decided to start a blog because I feel that there are some things I need to get off my chest.

These are some things that I've learned in my 22 years of life.

I've learned that:

1) the people I'm most grateful for in the world are my parents.

2) just being in the presence of your best friends can soothe your nerves and make you feel better.

3) there is nothing quite as remarkable or hilarious as a child's innocence.

4) I really really really HATE raw tomatoes, to the point where I almost gag when I see them. Yet I couldn't live without ketchup, pasta sauce and sundried tomatoes...weird.

5) when you are sad you should listen to happy music, not sad music. It's almost impossible to be sad when your feet won't stop dancing.

6) I believe my grandfather is my Guardian Angel.

7) there is nothing quite like spending a night in with the girls.

8) even though I'm happy that my friends have found someone that they love, that I'm secretly jealous of their boyfriends because they get to spend more time with my friends than I do.

9) I have the worst self-body image ever. I really wish I could see myself as my friends do...I think I'd like myself a lot more then.

10) I am eternally grateful for my parents doing these three things:

i) sending me to SMLS
ii) saving money for my university education
iii) spending money to fix my teeth. Nothing quite like a good set of teeth.

11) I will do almost ANYTHING to avoid confrontation.

12) sometimes confrontation is alright...and maybe even a good thing.

13) the pictures I like best of myself are the ones where I'm laughing.

14) I constantly worry about my friends being hurt (mentally, physicall and especially emotionally).

15) I am petrified for when my parents die because it means I will be alone in the world.

16) I believe there may not be someone out there for everyone, and even though that's a scary thought, it's ok.

17) I HATE calling people back on the phone...I just don't know what to say.

18) I am incredibly independent and that I will go to the point of avoiding people to be by myself.

19) I cry really easily...and that's ok.

20) I would rather break my own heart than someone else's...and I have.

21) nothing moves me like music does.

22) I like it when I make people laugh because it means that they are happy.

23) I feel honoured when someone talks to me about their problems because it means that they trust me.

24) I like my cat more than most people.

25) I am good at breaking and entering.

26) is a huge difference between the guys who call me 'Hot' and the ones that call me 'Beautiful'.

27) I am the biggest freaking procrastintor ever.

28) sometimes I put way too much pressure on myself because I believe I am my parents only hope.

29) if you don't learn your lesson about drinking too much after the fifth time of throwing up that you probably should stop drinking.

30) I'm glad I never got into drugs.

Well that's all for now! I will continue this list later...because I like it. And it's my blog, so I'm going to do what I want. lol.

later muffin.