just a deep breath and you'll be fine.

I had a slight mini-panic attack this morning as I was lying in bed. Usually on Saturdays I will lie in bed until 9 or 10 with the window open just chilling with my bad self, but today I couldn't do it. I felt restless and agitated and I couldn't sit still. I couldn't shut my mind off and think of the stupid, mundane, pointless things that usually occupy my thoughts, it was all big stuff.....really big scary stuff. So I had to move to make that stuff go away, because I can't think about it yet, it's all too scary.

If I think about it it will all hit me at once and I won't be able to deal with it. I am still coping with the whole moving out thing. It is going well, but it is still scarier than I thought. I can't bring myself to go home yet, for fear that I won't leave again because it's comfortable and un-scary there. This room that used to feel like home to me is now not feeling like that, and I need to find a place that will do that for me, so it won't be as scary. It doesn't help that my mom wants me to come home and most of my friends aren't that supportive...only Trish really. I'm glad she told me she was proud of me because otherwise I don't think I could do it.

I was told lately that I was selfish and self-absorbed and only thought about myself, but I kind of feel like I have to be. I mean, I don't really think of myself that way, sure I like to do my own thing and I like to be alone, and I know that I am self-absorbed sometimes, but I've never really thought of myself as selfish. That is a horrible thing to say to someone, especially if it's not true. And what kills me the most is the person that told me that is the one I've done the most for in the past few years and I feel like I've been there for her and this is what she thinks of me? It would help if she was there for me when I needed her to, instead of telling me I'm self-absorbed. She doesn't realize that not everyone is as strong as her and wasn't born with her natural self-confidence.

I won't apologize for being that way. It was being that way that made me realize that maybe I was heading down the wrong path, that research and molecular biology wasn't right for me. I still love it, because I'm a huge nerd, and I love learning, but I need something more. I really like my new job, I like working with people and helping people realize their goals, it's made me happier and healthier. I will also absolutely NOT apologize for getting a personal trainer and going to the gym more, which is apparently what made me self-absorbed. I hated my body, and felt uncomfortable ALL the time, that is not how someone should live their life. Now I actually kind of like myself, and I'm starting to feel proud of the way that I look and not hiding from it as much. I'm not there yet, but I will be. And if going to the gym is making me feel this way, then like hell I'm going to stop. My trainer, Chris, has been more supportive of me in these past few months in ways that no one else has ever been. He's kind of past being a trainer, more of a friend now, which is fine with me, because I think he's a great person.

I really just wish that people could see it from other people's points of view more often. Something that may not be scary for you could be absolutely terrifying for someone else, maybe even the thing they fear the most. If you don't try and see it their way you will never understand them.

It's gotten to the point where I feel isolated and that I can't be around some people because I know how they think of me...and why would I want to be around people who think of me that way? I have other friends who think I'm great and are proud of me and support me, and I don't need to put myself in situations where I feel uncomfortable and judged.

I had to take a walk to clear my head, and it worked. I love walks. I'm such a loser I know, but I love being by myself walking down the trail by the river. I will take pictures and show you, because it is beautiful in a way that the trails in Oakville could never be. Guelph is such a different place, and it has its own pace, it takes a little bit to get used to. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it, because I tend to do things at my own speed anyways and not really wait for anyone, it's a fault I know.

And when my head cleared I realized that I don't need anyone else to be proud of me (except for my parents and Trish) because I'm proud of myself.