F That

Have you ever looked in the mirror and not recognized yourself? Sat there wondering who that person is and what they have become. That happened to me today. All I thought was, "I remember who I used to be, but what happened?" To be honest, I'm a little disappointed in myself. That I lost who I was.

I remember a time when I was actually a person I kind of liked. You know that question in those stupid e-mail surveys where they ask if you would be friends with yourself? I always think no, but then write maybe. I used to answer yes. I used to be able to make friends and not care what other people thought and just be friendly. I wonder when that went away. I feel like I'm socially inept and retarded...that I just don't get how it works anymore. I'm not too sure when I lost that...when I lost my self-confidence and the ability to believe that I was a good person.

It's gotten to a point where I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid that if I try I'll be rejected. Probably because I've been so blatantly rejected in the past. People just brush other people off and don't think about it for two seconds. They don't think about how that makes you feel. I do it too. We all do it. You engage in a conversation with someone and just forget about the other person standing there. Most of the time now I'm just the other person. And I don't know how that happened.

I hate to sound conceited, but I know I'm pretty. It's probably the only thing I know about myself for sure. I may not have the best body or be the smartest girl or have any special athletic ability, but I'm pretty. That's what I am. I hate to think that that's all I am or all I get to be. Do you ever notice that the girls who are attractive, but not outright pretty get to be fun and outgoing and quirky and loud...and if the pretty girls act that way they are labelled as conceited or bitchy or attention seeking? I have been told that I am attention seeking and egotistical before. It was a humiliating experience. But sometimes I wonder why I was told that? After all, the thing that I'm told most about myself is that I'm pretty, and I think I am. I don't think that's egotistical. I do not put other girls down to make myself feel better, or go around telling everyone that I think I'm amazing. But I toned it down. Maybe a bit too much.

And now it's not my looks that I am self-conscious about, like some girls. It's who I am. I've been told I can't be someone by somebody because I'm pretty. Or I'm told I'm pretty. I know, I sound so conceited right now, but it's just how I feel. I mean, I don't tell Melissa that she can't be funny or pretty because she's practically a genius. And nobody told Trish that she can't be a swimmer because she's interested in fashion. Not one person told Maria she couldn't be in a fashion show because she used to be a rower, or told Tina that she couldn't play volleyball or basketball because she liked to wear skirts. But apparently I can't be loud and outgoing because I'm 'pretty'. I think I might be just feeling sorry for myself right now because I am comparing myself to other girls who I feel that I should be like. That other people want me to be like.

I really just don't know anymore. I can't even think enough to really write a coherent blog. It's all, "Do you want me to be this?", "Is that what you want me to be like? Because I'm not her, and I never will be."

I don't WANT to be like her. And if you want me to be then you don't really know me at all. I am never going to be like her. So you need to get over it.