*single tear*

I am packing up my room tonight. The past three years of my life are just gone, and I don't know where they went. It's kind of a shock that it's over so quickly and it's kind of hitting me pretty hard. Not gonna lie, I've shed more than a few tears as I've sifted through my notes, pictures, magazines, clothes and general crap that I've accumulated here. I never thought that I'd call this place home, but now I kind of think of it that way. Not as much as Oakville, but it's kind of getting there. I don't want to go back. It feels like I'm moving back in time and the past four years didn't even happen! How is that possible?
haha, my bedspread that I got so much grief for throughout the years. It's from the kids department at Sears and I'm so glad that I got it. Everyone made fun of me but I think it brightened up my dorm room and my room here. It's very snuggly. Everyone always loved my bed here, oddly enough. I'd be at the computer doing work and look over and Maria, Melissa and the cat would be lying on my bed watching me. Creeps, but what can you do. I used to get super pissed that they were lying on my bed while I wasn't hahaha. Now it's just Melissa creepily sleeping on my bed.

BAHAHAHAHHAHAHA, these pictures always make me laugh. Everytime we went out (which wasn't very often) we'd have to take a picture of the three of us together with one of us trying to hold the camera and the others deliberately being jerks and trying to annoy them. I think the top one was at the end of second year and the bottom one is from the beginning of third year when we went out for Maria's birthday. Both clearly awesome times...because we're awesome.

Soooooooo unfortunately this is me and Melissa acting normally. Yes, this is a REGULAR occurence in our household, not from alcohol, lack of sleep, stress or other things. This is just us. And Maria of course there capturing this moment that I CLEARLY want remembered forever with her humongous camera, which she has since gotten rid of. *tear* I loved making fun of that camera.

In Trappers on the sketchy back couches where people probably have sex and throw-up, me and Melissa are laughing our asses off at something we can't even remember. I actually fell off of the couch onto the dirty dirty dirty dirty floor. Oh the good times.

I am not even going to comment on how freaking CREEPY it was that Melissa took this picture of me napping. CREEEEEEEEPER!!!!!!!!! I do believe that Maria encouraged this creepiness, therefore Maria is a creeper too.

BAHAHAHAHAHHA, this is what happens when we let someone else take pictures of us and we end up getting caught in moments like this. I love how my face is practically deformed and I'm for some reason dancing like a Hawaiian person. Ahhhh Maria, how I miss you and making fun of your Polish ways!!!

Basically I just can't believe that it's over. I made some good friends, not too many, but the ones I made I know will be around forever. Even if I wanted to get rid of them they wouldn't go away. hahaha, but I would never want to get rid of you guys! I love you! And I'm so thankful that I have had the opportunity to live with you and get to know you! You guys are amazing, beautiful, hilarious, smart and all-around spectacular people and I feel absolutely priviledged to have been able to call myself your friend!

Good Body

Ok, so I know that I've been posting a lot about working out and eating well and losing weight, blah blah blah, but I want it to be known that I am in no way abusing my body or encouraging people to do that to themselves. Sure my going to the gym has a streak of vanity behind it, but mostly I'm tired of the 'crash dieting' thinking and it always failing. I'm sick of starving myself for a specific goal and then not reaching it and thinking of myself as a failure. So what if I'm not size four by the dominican?! Who the fuck cares? I sure don't. I think I look hot in a bikini. I'm just trying to make healthier lifestyle choices. I'm not going to deny myself, but asking myself if I REALLY need that Blizzard from Dairy Queen after eating like 40 mini eggs makes me think of what I'm doing to my body. It's the only one that I have, so I need to start taking care of it. I should have a looooong time ago. I don't want to think in terms of "lose 10 pounds for this, don't eat for three days before this" it's depressing, and it makes me not want to do it. But I'm finding if I think long-term that it seems much more do-able. If I aim to get my body fat % down by 5% by december, that's a reasonable goal which I can...and probably will achieve. I don't give a shit if I lose ten pounds anymore, I don't care about my weight. I'm starting to care about how I feel and how I feel so much better about myself when I'm at the gym and eating when I'm hungry. Sure every once in awhile I'm like, "wow, I wish I had her body" but who doesn't? I'm starting to realize that thinking long-term is much more healthy than short-term.
10 Things NEVER to say to your body:
1)Mini?! Not on these hips!
2)Must turn off the light before he gets to underwear (Honey...if he's going for the underwear, he'd appreciate it a LOT more if the lights were ON!)
3)You'd be gorgeous if you could just cut off everything below the waist...
4)You'll never get any love with those love handles
5)If these jeans do not fir, I swear, no more food for a week
6) Posh Spice, Role Model! (She is DISGUSTING.)
7) Oh, great, a three way mirror. Try not to look. (Or pose in every possible way and admire that booty....)
8) Better not work out - big muscles scare all the guys away (Ummmm...maybe you should tell the guys to get THEIR asses to the gym)
9)I hope my daughters don't inherit these
10) Yuck

I found an article in Glamour magazine in the May 2007 issue, and I think everyone should read it. It's kind of talking about what I did, about how every woman is a different size and that you shouldn't push or starve yourself to be a size 0 when you're healthy size is a 6 or even 10. Read it. NOW bitches!
This is an page from the magazine that I love.

The New Good Body:
-is bursting with energy...no Red Bull required
-relishes pregnancy's curves and wouldn't be caught dead in a muumuu (thank GOD for that)
-leaves the lights on so she can see and be seen
-doesn't try to be some plasticized notion of man-sexy. Here's what's hotter: looking real.
-comes in every colour of the rainbow.

The Old Good Body:
-deprived itself of all things delicious (f that, pass the brownies please!)
-cinched itself silly (curves are so much more sexy)
-was all 'no-pain, no-gain'

Everyone should buy the magazine and read this article immediately. I think it's amazing and about time. I'm sick of girls/women/my beautiful, gorgeous, amazing friends starving themselves and trying to lose weight instead of being healthy. I think my new belief should be that if you make healthy choices your body will follow and you will look amazing just being you.

10 things to say more often to your body:
1)Less is not more baby.
2) I will love my flaws.
3) Walk away slowly so everyone can enjoy the view (THANK GOD, shake that booty girl!)
4) It's clothes' job to fit my body, not the other way around (if only designers thought like this)
5) Don't turn down chocolate!!! It's full of those anti-oxi-thingies
6) He loes that, and those....and especially these. (Lucky guy!)
7) Whatever it is...these thighs can handle it.
8) Hungry? EAT SOMETHING. Makes sense, right?
9) There's nothing wrong here that a great pair of jeans can't fix.
10) Well done.

A Litte Bit Awesome

Hahaha ok I'm going to confess....I love my ass. It is fucking SWEET. I know I sound soooo ridiculously conceited, but it's getting so f'ing awesome from squats and cardio and lunges. Like, it's almost a work of art. BAHAHAHA. Ok, so maybe that was a bit far, but seriously, I caught a glimpse of it while changing yesterday to go to the grocery store with Melissa and I was like, "hot damn, that's sweet!" and Melissa was like, "jesus, can we GO YET?" hahaha. I was like, "I MUST document this hotness" and hence the pic of me dancing around before going to the gym this morning showing off my hot ass.
I'm going to see Blades of Glory tonight and I'm pretty fucking excited. Also going to Jack Astor's for this California Salad....seriously, it's one of the most awesome salads in the world. You need to have it immediately, except substitute the Spring Mix for Romaine lettuce and it makes it like fifty times better. Trust me.

Oddly, I feel like I've been eating a lot of salads lately, even though I've only had like three this week. But that's up from the normal.....zero I usually have! lol. Trying to shed a few pounds fast before the Dominican and then New York. Who knows what will happen to my body with unlimited alcohol and food and no gym. It could be disastrous.

During exam time my world shrinks to this...my desk. Now normally I LOVE my desk and can just sit and chill and read or go on the internet, whateve's...but lately I feel like I'm chained. Possibly because it's my last set of exams....EVER. I've pretty much decided that I will apply for a Master's at Guelph, but I don't think I'm going to do it. I did like going into the lab and it was interesting and definitely intelluctly stimulating but I don't think I can do it for the rest of my life. The thought of that kind of makes me want to shoot myself in the foot. I think I need something more physically challenging and with more daily variation. I don't want to be stuck feeling like I'm 'studying' for the rest of my life.

I've actually been very seriously considering getting certified to become a personal trainer. I've checked out the courses and my trainer, Chris (a.k.a McBaldy, bahahaha), says he'll put me in touch with the guy who trained him. I'd also need to get my CPR and First Aid renewed, obviously, and there's this Nutrition and Wellness course I'd like to do as well. I mean, I can't really lecture people on eating well and nutrition if I know nothing about it. We'll see how I still feel about it around the end of May. If I still think it's a good idea and interesting then I'm going to do it. I'm not an idiot, I know I still need to work on my body a lot and get my body fat % down, but I'm willing to do it. I think I could be good at being a personal trainer. I feel as though my degree would be a huge waste though. Ah well. We'll see what happens.

Blogging is a sweet way to procrastinate.

A picture of my semi-sexy body, which will be gone after I finish eating my massive bag of Cadbury Mini-Eggs that my mom got me for easter. I actually ate so much food at Easter Dinner that I couldn't eat breakfast this morning. I forced myself to though because otherwise I probably would have died during my training session. I've actually started to gain weight from my training sessions because of the muscle I've been putting on. I don't mind. Weight is just a number to me. I would rather be 200 pounds and muscular, fit and slim, than 110 pounds and anorexic. Much more healthy to eat and workout than starve myself. Special K diet has been going alright so far. Getting a little boring. I may have to buy strawberries to cut up and add to the cereal so that I don't get so bored I just kill myself. mmmmmm strawberries.

Behold, the 943 g bag of Mini Eggs, which will make me fat. I have absolutely no willpower or self-control when it comes to not eating things or buying clothes. I had to put the bag in a hard to reach place because even though I was full and about to be sick because of the amount of minieggs I had eaten, I kept on eating them. Now they are stored safely in my cupboard which takes like five minutes to get too because I have to first stand on a chair and then the countertop in the kitchen. So not worth it.
Right now instead of studying for my exams, which are in three days (shit) I have been researching professors and research projects for my Master's. I am still unsure about whether or not I want to actually do my Master's Degree, but I figure it can't hurt to apply. There are like three profs at Guelph that I really think would be interesting, and I've had two of them as profs already so I know they're pretty cool. I'm just not too sure how I would do at writing a thesis and having to go to the lab everyday. I guess we'll find out.
I am super excited for Melissa and I's trip to Punta Cana. I am determined to look ridiculously hot in my new Victoria's Secret bikinis and knock'em dead. So I've been working out hardcore lately. I'm definitely starting to see some positive results...a lot less "muffin top". hahahahaha. That term kills me. I almost want to stay in Guelph because I love the gym here. I mean I know there are gyms everywhere, but I really like the atmosphere of this one, the way its set up, the people, the trainers, etc. But alas, I am stuck working in Toronto at the bank again this summer. A serious boo urns to that. I fucking HATE the bank. It's so depressing and makes my soul want to die. Think I'm being overdramatic? Why don't you try sitting 4 stories underground with no windows, Sri Lankans talking about you with recirculated air for 10 hours a day.

I had to help my mom with my grandma yesterday, getting her for Easter dinner and such, and it really just makes me sad. She's turning 94 this year and you can really tell what a difference it makes if someone took care of themselves earlier on in life. My grandma never used to exercise or eat properly and stuff like that, and now you can really tell. She has serious osteoporosis, shaking and memory loss...also blind in one eye. I really hope that if I ever get like that someone just shoots me. No offense. But I would rather die than just exist. What's the point in being alive if you're not living?

Crying Girls Make Me Nervous

Ugh, can't decide whether I had a good weekend or a shitty weekend. I'm definitely leaning towards a shitty weekend. I mean, it had the makings to be an alright weekend, but it just went downhill. I can't decide whether my favourite part was my new personal trainer reducing me to tears, drinking so much that I vomited or hearing a piece of news I definitely didn't need to hear. Not to mention the fact that I was so hung today it was fucking ridiculous. Ew, you know what you're SOOOO hungover and dehydrated and your body is like, "this is my revenge for you fucking me over last night". That's the kind of hangover it was. When I went to get McDonald's (hangover food, don't judge) I moved my eyes to drive the car and the movement of my eyeball actually hurt my head. I didn't know that was possible.

But yah, I think I've decided that my favourite part of the weekend was when I burst into tears when I was in a training session with my new trainer. My old trainer Meghan quit, and that kind of broke my heart because I loved her. She made it really fun and gave me these awesome programs that were challenging but I loved to do.

And this ass hole comes along and ruins it all. He clearly didn't read my profile beforehand because he had no clue that I have a serious rib injury that stops me from doing a lot of overhead stuff and twisting motions. He's trying to make me do this exercise where you throw the medicine ball to the other person by throwing it overhead and I was like, "I can't do that" and he's all trying to be a macho trainer guy and is like, "oh sure you can, it's easy, don't be a wuss, people always think they can't do stuff, blah blah blah" and then I just started to cry. It was also compounded by the fact that I couldn't breathe and felt like I was about to faint and he was like, "whatever, suck it up". When someone is having so much trouble breathing that they are about to hyperventilate you don't tell them to suck it up and go faster, you tell them to take a break for a second. So yah, then I started to cry and he had no clue what to do. He was one of those guys that has no idea what to do around a crying girl. Kind of gave me a secret and sick validation to think that I was making him uncomfortable.

So I am asking McBaldy if I can switch trainers again. This guys all changing my programs and stuff saying that they aren't right. But he doesn't know shit and thinks I'm trying to lose weight, when in reality my long-term goal is to change my body composition and increase my lean muscle mass. So he thinks he knows what he's talking about....but he's just a moron without a clue. And he was short, so it was kind of hard to take him seriously.

Another major UGH is the news that Tony gave me today about this fucking thing that drives us crazy. I'm SO not going into details because it's none of your fucking business (nosy bitches, hahaha, only joking!) but it pisses me off like crazy. I just wish that people would leave us alone and be happy for us, but NOOOOO all they can do is think about how to destroy other people's happiness for their own validation and because they have no one. Well you bitch, here's what I have to say to you: Go fuck yourself because nobody else is going to do it.

I'm not sure if you're upset with me or something. I'm a little confused and honestly, a little hurt as to what's going on. Actually, I don't even know what's going on. I just wish you'd let me in and trust me again, and tell me what to do to make it right. I just want to help you and for you to be happy.

Ok, so I know that this post has just been me basically whining and complaining, but I don't care. Everybody has off days and everybody has the right to bitch about it. This has really not been my weekend and I am venting. Deal. Hahahaha, sorry, just thought about the trainers face when I started to cry. I almost feel sorry for the poor guy.

Almost.

Never Been A Sinner, Never Sinned

Me demonstrating why I wish I could live my live as a cat. He gets to be wrapped in my sheets and lying in the sun while I'm doing work? Fuck that.

Procrastinating and dancing around to Avril Lavigne's 'Girlfriend' song. It's kind of a horrid, pop-ish, girly song but I kind of like it. It gets me all riled up to go to the gym and makes me jump around....as shown in the photos. hahaha that last photo makes me laugh b/c of the stupid look on my face. I'm all like, "YAH, this is the SHIT" but really it's just me jumping around by myself.

I wasn't going to put the first photo in because of the whole headless thing, but I decided I should because it shows that my legs have gotten thinner. HA. I just like photographic proof that all my sweating and grossness at the gym is paying off. I started a modified version of the Special K diet too. I don't want to completely starve myself because I would die at the gym, so I allow myself fruit or nuts or veggies as a snack, and I try to eat a relatively low-cal dinner. I got pissed because I realized that even though I'm getting more muscular my hotness factor wasn't upping because I still had a nasty layer of fat over the muscles, hence the Special K diet. I'm hoping this bodies' here for the long-term. HAHAHA, I just noticed I'm kind of giving the finger in the top picture. It was totally an accident.

P.S. Anyone who hasn't read Raymi the Minx's blog should do so IMMEDIATELY if not sooner. The link is on my page. And also, you should check out Merkeleys??? pictures. Because even though they are of naked chicks, they are awesome, partly because of the nakedness. Emily started putting them up on her site and I LOVE them. They are so different and interesting. I love it. If I had the courage I would so want to pose for him. Although, I think Tony would kill me.....and then my Dad probably would too.

ALSO, I was being a loser listening to my mom's CDs, and the Forest Gump soundtrack is actually pretty awesome. Clearly they are old songs, but so awesome at the same time. I already knew all the songs and could sing along, so I didn't feel like a huge loser for not knowing the words. I was also clearly by myself in the car, as I would never subject anyone to have to listen to me singing. I am especially obsessed with Spirit In The Sky by The Eagles. Don't know if there are other bands who sing it, but this is awesome. It's kind of country-ish/religious, but so awesome at the same time. So classic.

This is what happens when I am BORED.

So this is what happens when I am ridiculously bored and waiting for an e-mail from the lab tech about my plasmids. I know you don't care, but I'm telling you anyways. I should be doing something productive, like my research project, applying for jobs, putting my furniture up on thecannon.ca to sell it...but instead I am being narcissistic and taking pictures of myself.

I am really getting into this whole 'gym' thing. I am actually CRAVING gym trips now. Like my body has too much energy to just not go. I'm sure Meghan will be pleased when I tell her. I went yesterday because Iwas dying to go. Weird. I actually did my entire first workout, twice, and threw in some exercises from my "Day 2" workout. She taught me this new one, and I absolutely love it. Except the stairs. Those are killer. I will have a hot body eventually. And I'm actually enjoying getting it. Maybe my lifepath should be a personal trainer?! HAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, I couldn't even keep a straight face there for more than two seconds.

I think that all the working out is being balanced out by the chocolate and ice cream cravings I've been having. Ohhh and starchy stuff. Like salt and vinegar Pringles. It's ridiculous.

I am crazily looking forward to The Hills tonight. YESSSSS!!!! I freaking LOVE that show. It is horribly mindless, stupid, self-absorbed and life-wasting, but I love it anyways.

Lately I've had the feeling that I've been so self-absorbed, hence the huge shopping spree this past weekend. However, I think it's just stress. I'm graduating in like....four weeks? That is the SCARIEST thought ever. Not really looking forward to having to work for the next, oh forty odd years. ICK. So I'm stressed about finding a job, having a place to live, earning money, passing my classes, finishing my research project, losing weight, Tony and a whole bunch of other things. So if I've seemed a bit selfish lately it's just because I have a lot on my mind and am worried about a bunch of things. I'm not going to apologize for it because everybody gets stressed and can have a lot going on in their life.

mmmmmmmm shopping. *drool*

Life is short.
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,

And never regret anything that made you smile.


I got that in an e-mail from my Mommy, and I thought it was kind of cute and very true. Cliche, but true.

Oh man, I went on a mega shopping spree yesterday and now I cannot afford to live. hahaha. It was kind of ridiculous, but since I got 40% off at American Eagle I went a little nuts. THEN they didn't give me the full discount, so now I have to drive my ass back up to Sherway so they can fix it. SO annoying. But probably worth the extra $80 I'll save. And trust me...I need that $80. My mom then bought me stuff from the Gap and shoes from Aldo. I have to say that I'm soooo surprised she bought me anything because we're going to New York in May and apparently the hotels there in May cost an absolute fortune. Who knows, maybe we'll be sleeping on a park bench like she said. At least I'll look hot. hahaha.

ew, last night I fell asleep at like 9:45 on the couch watching figure skating with my mom. If I'm not the biggest loser ever I don't want to know who is. I was so tired I couldn't even keep my eyes open, it was ridiculous. I guess shopping and the gym takes a lot out of you. Wow, I lead a hard life. But grossest of all was that I fell asleep with my make-up still on. I HATE that. It's the grossest feeling ever when you wake up at like 4 in the morning and realize that it's still on there. It makes me feel like....what's that word? oh yes, a dried-out old prostitute that fell asleep on the curb. Yes that sounds about right.

So this morning after I washed my face, I used this peel-off mask because just washing my face after falling asleep in make-up isn't enough to make me feel clean. ick. So anyways, there I am peeling off this mask (which makes your face look soooo ridiculously shiny), which makes it look like your skin is melting off your face and I realized that someone other than my parents or Melissa is going to have to see me looking like this one day. I mean, unless I end up living alone with my multitude of cats (which is SO possible) then my future boyfriend/husband/pimp is going to have to see me looking like that. I wonder if there is going to come a point where it is SO normal to see your significant other looking like that that you don't even make fun of them. I think that might be a sad day.

I mean I have absolutely no problem about being seen without my make-up on. I mean, seriously, who cares? I learned long ago that if someone doesn't still love you when you have no make-up on that they aren't worth it. This was learned when my friend Ashleigh showed up at her boyfriend's house with no make-up and he was like, "EW, please go home, put make-up on and then come back. We'll catch the later movie." I mean, how awful is that?! And she didn't break up with him immediately. Shame on her. But I mean there is a big difference to me of being seen without make-up or washing your face and being seen pulling off an exfoliating mask which apparently is supposed to make my skin soft and smooth. I don't think I could handle that until at least five years of being together. And like, could I make a special section of the living quarters mine and he is not allowed to infiltrate?! Like, I don't think he'd like me walking in and catching him using my moisturizer or shaving his chest....or worse. EWWWWWWWWWW. I think the prospect of a section of house that is my own would be pretty sweet. Then I would never have to face questions like, "What does this do?" "Do you REALLY need four blush colours?" and "OH MY GOD! YOUR SKIN IS MELTING OFF!!!!". Which frankly would become annoying. Ah well, maybe this is one of those things where I'm just being weird and territorial and it's really no big deal. Who knows.

Spencer Is A Dick

Soooo, for years I have been telling everyone that Austin, Melissa's cat, is freaking insane and attacks us. No one ever believes me. Now I have photographic proof.

These pictures ALSO prove that I have absolutely no life except for procrastination. Ah well. It keeps me amused.

So instead of going out and getting rocked out of my mind on St. Patty's Day I went and saw Zodiac. It is a relatively decent movie...some parts were a little scary. Tony made fun of me for like ten minutes after I jumped when he shot a guy. Thanks a lot. It was a freaking long ass movie, almost three hours. When I stood up at the end, my knees cracked and my back was sore. I thought that was supposed to happen when you're 60, not 22. I feel old.

Also, my mom made fun of me for like ten minutes about how I didn't even drink anything on St. Patty's Day. Apparently my great-great-grandmother and grandfather on someone's side is from outside of Belfast. So I really AM part Irish and don't have to pretend! Unfortunately, I also didn't drink...and discovered I have almost no green clothes...which is kind of sad.

Some good news, my PCR FINALLLLLLY worked. Or at least gave me some sort of result. For the past two or three months I've been extracting DNA and then trying to amplify it and for some reason the DNA disappears when I try to run it on a gel. But now it finally worked! YEEEESSSS! Maybe now I won't fail my research project and consequently life.

Ohhhh man, The Hills is such a stupid and awesome show at the same time. Throughout the entire episode I just make fun of everyone, and then in the last five minutes of the show someone will get into a HUUUUGE fight and make it all worthwhile for watching. Although I swear I can feel my IQ dropping while watching the show.

I'm pissed that you're not talking to me right now. Thanks for appreciating all I've done.......that was sarcasm by the way.

F That

Have you ever looked in the mirror and not recognized yourself? Sat there wondering who that person is and what they have become. That happened to me today. All I thought was, "I remember who I used to be, but what happened?" To be honest, I'm a little disappointed in myself. That I lost who I was.

I remember a time when I was actually a person I kind of liked. You know that question in those stupid e-mail surveys where they ask if you would be friends with yourself? I always think no, but then write maybe. I used to answer yes. I used to be able to make friends and not care what other people thought and just be friendly. I wonder when that went away. I feel like I'm socially inept and retarded...that I just don't get how it works anymore. I'm not too sure when I lost that...when I lost my self-confidence and the ability to believe that I was a good person.

It's gotten to a point where I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid that if I try I'll be rejected. Probably because I've been so blatantly rejected in the past. People just brush other people off and don't think about it for two seconds. They don't think about how that makes you feel. I do it too. We all do it. You engage in a conversation with someone and just forget about the other person standing there. Most of the time now I'm just the other person. And I don't know how that happened.

I hate to sound conceited, but I know I'm pretty. It's probably the only thing I know about myself for sure. I may not have the best body or be the smartest girl or have any special athletic ability, but I'm pretty. That's what I am. I hate to think that that's all I am or all I get to be. Do you ever notice that the girls who are attractive, but not outright pretty get to be fun and outgoing and quirky and loud...and if the pretty girls act that way they are labelled as conceited or bitchy or attention seeking? I have been told that I am attention seeking and egotistical before. It was a humiliating experience. But sometimes I wonder why I was told that? After all, the thing that I'm told most about myself is that I'm pretty, and I think I am. I don't think that's egotistical. I do not put other girls down to make myself feel better, or go around telling everyone that I think I'm amazing. But I toned it down. Maybe a bit too much.

And now it's not my looks that I am self-conscious about, like some girls. It's who I am. I've been told I can't be someone by somebody because I'm pretty. Or I'm told I'm pretty. I know, I sound so conceited right now, but it's just how I feel. I mean, I don't tell Melissa that she can't be funny or pretty because she's practically a genius. And nobody told Trish that she can't be a swimmer because she's interested in fashion. Not one person told Maria she couldn't be in a fashion show because she used to be a rower, or told Tina that she couldn't play volleyball or basketball because she liked to wear skirts. But apparently I can't be loud and outgoing because I'm 'pretty'. I think I might be just feeling sorry for myself right now because I am comparing myself to other girls who I feel that I should be like. That other people want me to be like.

I really just don't know anymore. I can't even think enough to really write a coherent blog. It's all, "Do you want me to be this?", "Is that what you want me to be like? Because I'm not her, and I never will be."

I don't WANT to be like her. And if you want me to be then you don't really know me at all. I am never going to be like her. So you need to get over it.

Ugh, glycogen phosphorylase

Taking classes like Structure and Function of Biochemistry makes me wonder why I decided to major in a science. Seriously. Could the name be any more boring? No. Could the class be anymore boring? Definitely not. My midterm is in two and a half hours, and I'm halfway through the lecture notes for the third time. It is turning my brain to mush. Do I care that phosphorylation of serine-14 disrupts an interaction between basic amino acids at the N-terminus? Fuck no.

I have a fairly large bruise on my shin from where Tony kicked me this weekend. He was trying to distract me from studying (if I fail, I blame him) and we ended up getting in a kicking fight. Real mature, I know. Sadly I would much rather be kicked by my boyfriend than study biochemistry.

Poor Tony really got screwed over this weekend. I got dinner, flowers, TCBY, two girlie movies and a pair of his pajama pants. He got kicked. I almost feel kind of bad for taking his pants. ALMOST. I'm actually surprised he gave them up with so little of a fight. I think it's because he didn't want to hear me bitching for the next three weeks about how he wouldn't give me the pants. Because I SO would have been annoying and brought it up like every other conversation. I'm annoying and immature like that.

So Maria has proposed an all-day drunkfest on St. Patty's day. I have to say that I'm intrigued and wonder if I can possibly last all day drinking when sometimes I can't even last a few hours. My tolerance has sure gone down from those good ol' high school days where I could drink twice a weekend, every weekend and be fine. Now it's like one cooler and I'm flat on my ass. Ah well, at least I don't spend that much money. haha.

I'M GOING TO NEW YORK!!!! HAHA!!! BITCHES!!!!! I'm so freaking excited to go! Going for five days with my mom and other people. And we're going to see Mary Poppins of all things. Odd. Ah well. I'm just excited to go shopping and see the Statue Of Liberty.

My mom said that she'd buy me a new pair of jeans to replace the ones that my fat ass ripped. I have been advised in my previous blog comments (from Emily) to keep wearing the jeans. Which I may do. Although the hole is in a slightly scandalous spot, but not too noticeable. It would be a shame if I wore them and then all of a sudden my entire ass was exposed. Although slightly amusing. I am now paranoid that ALL of my pants have holes in them and spent like an hour obsessively checking all my pants. No joke.

Fuzzy peaches, red bull and cheetos should NOT be allowed. uuuuugh.

Ok, back to studying. I needed a break from phrases like, 'glycogen phosphorylase', 'phosphoserine-binding domains' and anything to do with the cell cycle.

I realized today that I become emotionally attached to my clothes. I died a little inside today when I discovered that my favourite jeans EVER have a hole in them. That's right. A hole in my Sevens. My beautiful, wonderful, comfortable, ass-loving Sevens. Now I can see WHY there is a hole in them. I've worn them for about three times a week for the past two and a half years. They were finally perfectly molded to my ass and thighs and in the most awesome state of comfortableness ever. I may have to go and buy the exact same pair of jeans again. They are too wonderful to just give up. I should throw them in the garbage, but I just can't bring myself to do it. No lie. They are lying on my bed right now and I just don't have the heart to throw them out.

Makes me wonder if they just ripped because my ass loved them too much, or because my ass was too big.

So Delicious

1) Had a pretty good time at Charity Ball last night! It was kind of fun to dress up and pretend to be civilized. Nice to have to try to look nice sometimes and look hot. I was jealous of Nicole's dress because it was super pretty and colourful and I was wearing boring old black. And she had these cool purple shoes. And now I want purple shoes. Thanks a lot Nicole.




2) I bought a pack of the fruit flavoured mentos and I'm eating the whole damn package. Ah well. They're fruity and tasty.

3) I just got over a bout of the intestinal flu (or that's what I think it was) and I lost four pounds and my stomach shrunk. I don't know if my stomach shrinking is a good or bad thing. I don't eat NEARLY as much, but I kind of WANT to eat more. But at the same time I'm kind of happy with my slightly thinner self. But I bet I won't be slightly thinner after polishing off this package of mentos, and my dinner of Swiss Chalet and Oreo Ice Cream Sandwiches.

4) I want to be on a beach. NOW.

5) I've started listening to the radio in the car in an attempt to become cooler. No joke. I'm tired of being like, "I love this song!" and people are like, "Jaime, this is from 2005." Even worse was when I was like, "This song is awesome, when did it come out?" and Trish was like, "ummm 1977 or something." I felt like a moron.

6) I seriously wish I could harness the curly/waviness of my hair, but I just can't seem to do it. Once in awhile (like once a month) I will leave it to dry naturally and it will go nicely wavy evenly over my hair, but most of the time it goes like half straight-half curly frizzy and weird. I hate it. And I have this weird thing with products where I can't use them because I'm hair product retarded. It's annoying as hell. If I try to use products to make my hair curly it comes out like crunchy and drowned-rat looking. I hate it.

7) Had Swiss Chalet with Steve tonight. It was pretty sweet. I haven't had the Swiss in a loooong time and haven't seen Steve in an even longer time. Since like....way before Christmas. It was good times. Even better were the Oreo Ice Cream sandwiches we had for dessert. You know...because apparently Swiss Chalet isn't enough for us. What can I say? We're hardcore.

8) Fergalicious is one of the worst songs ever. I am listening to it right now. It's awful. It seems like it drills into your brain and just stays there. All of that spelling. Oh man.

Sweet! A Dead Animal!

Ok, so this idiot girl on America's Next Top Model got kicked off tonight...and all I can say is THANK GOD. Who the fuck doesn't know what anti-fur is? And apparently it's not ok to kill animals for fur, but it's alright to steal the fur off of their DEAD BACKS. You know, when they're all infested with bugs and dead and smelling.

What an idiot.

I am so thankful that I do not have to listen to her say, "I don't get it" for another twelve weeks of my life. Plus her hair was pretty hideous.

I'm SO over it.

You know how you have your dream job and guy and house and kids and look into the future and can see yourself there and all happy. Maybe it's weird but I can never see that. Maybe it's because I don't have a dream job or house or kids, but I just can't see it. Everybody has that vision of the when their older and their either working or at home and they seem really happy, but I can't see it. It kind of seems like my life ends after University to me, when really it should be just beginning. Maybe it's because I have travel plans for the first month out of school and don't really have any plans for a job. And I haven't really started looking for a job either.

Ok, I don't want a job. I don't like working. There. I said it.

I just can't seem to think of a job (or career if you will) where I will be happy and find it interesting enough. I get BORED. It's like I'm interested in a lot of things, but nothing holds my attention long enough. But does being a housewife interest me? Not really.

If sitting at home for the past five and a half days has taught me anything it's that I get a feeling of being claustrophobic when I'm in one place and can't leave. I've been driven insane. Mind you I was so sick for the first two days I could barely walk up the stairs, but still, I'm ready to go. But not back to Guelph. Oh no. I don't want to go back there. Because then I have to go into the lab and study and be forced to think about how in a month and a half I will be forced into the real world, VERY much against my will.

And the snow is making me depressed. I was ready for spring. SO ready. Snow is so over. You know how Mother Nature likes to tease you, and give you those two or three days where it's warm enough to wear a vest and running shoes and you get all excited that it's warm and you think the snow is going to melt. And then the bitch turns around and has it snow for about two and a half days straight. F that.

I can't believe I'm up this early. Do you ever get that feeling where your body is tired and your eyes are tired, but your legs just do not want to sit still? It's like they need to go on a 10 km marathon or something. It's fucking annoying as hell. Anyways, that was happening to me allllll last night and it was driving me nuts. Poor Fluffy had to leave my warm, comfy, pillow-y bed because I wouldn't stop moving. I only slept for about 6 hours. This probably happened because for the past four days I've been in the recliner, then the couch, then my mom's bed, then back to the couch and haven't been walking around much because it made me throw up. That's right, too much movement made me nauseous as hell.

On a more positive note, all of this being lazy has made me find a new appreciation for our satellite dish and daytime talk shows. No joke. Well more specifically the Tyra Banks Show and the Ellen DeGeneres Show. They are pretty sweet. I love the Tyra show because it's Tyra man! She rocks! And she had this whole show about when the paparazzi took that picture and called her fat because she was 161 pounds at 5'10" or something like that, and that happens to be right around the weight she should be at! It was awesome. I was all like, "Go Tyra, It's your Birthday, shake your booty!" It's nice to know that there are some stars out there who aren't trying to be size 00 and encourage everybody to be a different size and shape. Because we are all different shapes.

Oh yah, and Ellen rocks too.

Ok, well I was just killing time until I could shower, and now I'm going to do so.

I cried a lot during Grey's Anatomy tonight. I tend to get over emotional when I spend a lot of time by myself. And lately I've been spending a lot of time by myself.

I don't know whether it's by choice or if I've just been forgotten.

Or maybe I've finally pushed people away so much that they don't want me there anymore. It wouldn't surprise me. I get into my little routines. The more time I spend alone, the deeper into the routine I get. And the harder it is for me to get out of the routine.

Did you notice that I wasn't there?

Most of the time I don't want to be noticed. But sometimes I wish I was noticed more.

Ohhhh Pink Shoes!

1) Nothing can make you feel better like going home. HOOOOMMMMEEEEE!!!!!! I hadn't been home in awhile, so I was super excited to go. All last week I felt like crap and was all mope-y and depressed, and then I went home and it was like magic! I felt all hyper and giggly and happy again. It's like I can get by for so long without going home and then I just can't make it anymore and have to see my Mommy, Daddy and kitties or I can't go on any longer. It's just a fact.

2) I have a major shopping problem. And my Mom is JUST as bad as I am. She has more t-shirts, capris and jewelry than me, but I probably have more shoes, jeans, purses and sweaters. When we go shopping together it is just bad news all around. I was only going to buy a sweatshirt at LuLu Lemon, and I walked out with a new pair of pants, a sweatshirt and a sportsbra, none of which I paid for. haha! And at H&M I was only going to buy this wickedly cool shirt, and then she made me try on a dress which is super pretty, and then forced me to buy it. So I did. Because she kept talking about all of these cool accessories that I could wear with it! It's a black and white flowered dress with an A-line skirt, and if I wear like a green belt with it and green accessories that would be cool, or a pink belt and buy these awesome pink shoes from Aldo. And she just kept talking and talking about how cool it would be, and then I kept thinking about how cool it would be, so I got the dress. But now I have to spend a fortune on accessories. Ah well.

3) She also made me buy this cute red polka-dot jacket thing. No clue where I'll wear it. But it's pretty awesome.

4) I am sooooooo super pissed about my cloning kit not being here yet. My entire research project has been stopped for like a week and a half because my stupid prof wouldn't order the kit himself and now I have to wait for the shipping and for them to call and I have no clue where to pick it up. It's really annoying me. Surprisingly enough I actually miss going into the lab.

5) My mom bought me this dress from American Eagle while she was on her cruise/in the States. I had originally bought the dress over Christmas holidays but returned it because it made me look like a lard ass. But I guess all the gym-ing I've been doing is paying off, because it looked totally hot this time around. And it's a pretty awesome colour too. I may have to wear it around over jeans because it looks so good. Not that I'm full of myself of anything.

6) I'm seriously tempted to buy these smokin' hot underwear from Jacob. But the matching underwear is a thong, and I'm not so much into thongs anymore. They kind of annoy me. But I really kind of want the bra, and you can't get the bra without matching underwear, otherwise it destroys the ambience. Plus they might look totally hot for Valentine's Day.

7) I ate so much chocolate this weekend. It was awesome.

8) When I was home I took a whole bunch of pictures of my cats because I realized I had like no pictures of them. Fluffy was getting kind of pissed off about the flash and Thai always looks absolutely petrified in the photos. There is this one funny one where Fluffy looks like she's drunk and falling over, but really she's just coming out of a good stretch.

EWWWWWWWWWWW.

I just did something nobody should EVER have to do. I rinsed out a bathtub full of my disgusting, annoying, skankwhore roommates PUBIC HAIR.

Next time she asks if she's offended me I'll just be like, "You know what offends me? PUBIC HAIR YOU SKANKY BITCH". And then calmly slap her in the face.

Get some respect.

I was ambushed earlier this evening. My roommate verbally attacked me out of nowhere. I may not be the most friendly person to live with, but that's because I'M NOT HER FRIEND. To me she is just some random girl who moved into the room in our house.

Melissa and I were excitedly tearing open our Victoria's Secret package earlier this evening when Claire came home. When she came in the house she said "Hi" to both of us, and we both said "Hi" back. She then proceeded to stand in the hallway and stare at me and then said, "Why don't you look at me when I'm saying hello to you Jaime?" I was like, "ummm, I'm opening up my package that we've been waiting like two weeks for. Sorry." She then left the room only to come storming back in yelling, "Did I do something to offend you? Because you act like I've offended you in some way, when you've actually offended me." I was like, "um, no." Then she's all like, "Well we have to live together for the next three months. " I was like, "ok, so?" She's like, "so I haven't offended you at all? Funny because you act like I have."

I chose not to respond.

Then she fires back with, "So I guess you're just an unfriendly person then right."

I was absolutely flabbergasted. Who the FUCK does she think she is? She doesn't know a god damn thing about me!

Melissa was like, "THAT was offensive Claire."

Then Claire just walked out of the room.

I don't know what was up her ugly fat ass, but if she has a problem with me she can talk to me about it in PRIVACY. How ignorant is it to talk about something like that with someone else in the room? But now I can think of a list about 30 items long of things that she's done to offend me.

SORRY that I gave you a ride to school every morning, I won't be making that mistake again. I don't give a shit about your pathetic love life with your disgusting boyfriend who's old enough to be your father. I don't care if you don't have any money or you have to drop your class or your mother is a lesbian. You know why I don't care? YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND.

I am polite to you and put up with your annoying habits. I don't say anything because we live together and I didn't want there to be tension. TOO LATE FOR THAT!

God, you're so fucking annoying. I will be so glad when I never have to see you EVER again.

Oh the humanity!!!!

So, I finally started working out with a personal trainer (her name is Megan, she's pretty cool) and she's kicking my ass. Like I literally had trouble moving my body on Sunday. Tony knows. I wouldn't shut up about it and made him give me a massage. I don't think he was impressed. She kicked my ass again today. We'll see if I can bend my legs tomorrow.

Our house is broken. It's broken and dying and really it's kind of sad. There are approximately six holes in our bathroom wall, broken drywall crumbles all over the floor and a sad little glass container catching the leak drips from the kitchen sink. The plumber is here right now and it's kind of annoying because he makes a looooot of noise. I'd almost him rather leave the holes. I have kind of grown fond of them.

In other news my mom got back from her cruise on Sunday and she has finally discovered how to text message on her new shiny red cell phone. So she text messaged me about eight times on Sunday telling me how she's back and how she bought me presents. And then to really annoy me she wouldn't tell me what the presents were. Not even a damn hint. It better be sparkly and shiny and wearable. And maybe some clothes too. I'm going home on Saturday to find out what she got me, and possibly get her to take me to LuLu Lemon to buy me stuff that is from my 'grandma'. Meaning it's her money but has no clue that she buys me presents all the time. Also going to make my mom take me to see Because I Said So. It looks amazingly like a chick flick...and I LOOOOOVE chick flicks.

I went a little crazy with the digital camera the other day. What can I say? I looked totally smokin'.