A Glimpse Into The Mind.

2008-07-31T21:50:00.002-04:00

All I want is one guy to prove to me that they aren't all the same.

I guess you weren't up to the challenge to be that guy.

2008-07-16T21:33:00.002-04:00

I don't think I can stand this.

I miss you against my will.

I hate that you left me.....left all of us really.

Get out of my head.

oh yeah....and you're kind of a bitch. I hope you're happy living life as a lapdog. Skank.

Freedom is not an easy thing to come by.

2008-04-08T21:58:00.002-04:00

For the first time in my life I am completely and totally alone.

I've never been more petrified.

Or felt more free.

giggle

2008-02-28T21:41:00.002-05:00

You are ridiculously confusing.

This photo makes me laugh because I am sooooooooo drunk. And I made Jeff giggle.

Apparently car dealerships/parts and service places are the most retardedly slow places EVER. And have the stupidest people working in them. I didn't know that an oil/lube/filter took 14 hours! Maybe I just don't know much about cars.
I feel like a fat disgusting gross obese cow.
I really think I need to work on my self-confidence.
The Spice Girls concert was the best night ever. Highlight of my YEAR...........nay, my LIFE!

really, quite pathetically sad.

2008-02-02T13:26:00.000-05:00

I want to scream.

Or punch a wall. Or punch someone.

No...I want to punch you.

Quite badly.

You are either completely retarded and oblivious or the biggest asshole alive. I can't decide which I want you to be either.
There are only so many times a girl can be rejected or given the same story. You can only play so many games before I say enough is enough.

You have no idea what you want and yet you say that I am the one who doesn't. You say I'm confused, but you are confusing. I don't know if you mean to mess with my head or not, but you are. And I am very close to snapping.

It's my own fault really. I never should have gotten involved, and now I don't have the willpower or strength to break away. I don't respond to anyone else that way I respond to you. No one else can make me so mad that I practically have steam coming out my ears, or laugh so hard I cry, or make me feel the way you do when you smile at me, or make my skin tingle...I can feel where you touched me long after you did.

This is not good. This is the worst thing that could possibly happen. I don't even know how I let this happen.

How sad is it that I just want you?

it starts in my nose...

2008-01-08T16:20:00.000-05:00

I am in love with those tights. They are possibly the best fashion decision I've made in 2008 so far. Thanks for them in my stocking mom!

I am confused. Very confused. Things have only gotten more confusing and not less confusing. I hate that. I didn't know it was possible for things to get more confusing. And why are boys ALWAYS at the root of the confusion? WHY? Do they know that they're this confusing? Is this FUN for them...because it's not fucking funny. I'm caught inbetween. Everything is telling me one way and I want to go another. Both ways are confusing. Can't people just be straight and honest? Do I not at least deserve that?
I shouldn't really be talking about honesty anyways. White lies, confusion, deception have almost become routine. But everyone has to have a little fun once in awhile............and some secrets. We all know how bad I am at keeping secrets though. This may be taking its toll on me. Possibly more than I know, but will find out in the long run.

It's Jan 8th and I'm already sick. This does not bode well for 2008. Ringing in the New Year was a blast, but being sick from Jan 2nd on isn't a good sign. 2008 is going to be a good year. I want it to be, so it will be. 2007 was full of lots of change, travelling, moving, decisions and, for lack of a better word, scariness. It was a good year, but kind of blew at the same time. Does that even make sense? I want 2008 to be better. I want to be better. I want to be a better friend, a better employee, a better trainer, a better daughter....a better person really.

Now how do I go about doing that?

guaranteed to blow your mind.

2007-11-29T22:25:00.001-05:00

I am slightly regret-ful. Is that even a word? I doubt it. I can't get my head on straight and it's really freaking annoying. Like I can see reason, but I can't make myself believe it. I want to live in my fantasy world where you may like me, but I know you can't/won't/don't.

I know myself well enough to know that I can't have that. I want/deserve more.

And what about you? You can never find out about my regret. I don't want to blow it. But I want to be wanted. I like that. Who doesn't like that?

You shocked me and I'm still reeling. How come you won't look me in the eye?

I can't decide. And it's driving me insane. I don't want to think/talk about it anymore. Just make my decision for me.

you think you know...

2007-11-25T12:29:00.000-05:00

Sweet........I think he wants me too! *fist pump* go Jaime go.
oops....probably not the best decision. Secret #2. *shhhhhhhh*
And no........I'll never tell.

lovestoned

2007-11-08T13:07:00.000-05:00

I'm being super narcisstic today and posting tonnes of pictures. I got bored and went on a mini-photo shoot. That's what happens when you have a "lazy weekend" and just do nothing.
I actually took some semi-nude shots...but am too shy to put them up. When they look as hot as Lois' semi-nude pics then I will put them up....until then....this is what you get.

There is a guy. He's cute. I want him. Hopefully he wants me too. Guess we'll find out....

I was super impressed with myself that I could finally do french braids. They fell out after like four hours....but STILL, they were there!

I need a tan. I am a fucking ghost. It's not hot. Not hot at all. How will I attract said boy if I am transparent?

curves in all the right places

2007-10-14T18:07:00.000-04:00

Killing time before Zeppelinesque set starts. We are just that cool. The hand that you see in the left side of the pic belongs to the world's largest prick, douchebag, arsehole EVER.
He tried to lecture us about DNA structure and the importance of genetics...........now technically I am a molecular biologist according to my Honours degree in MOLECULAR BIOLOGY AND GENETICS YOU FUCKING DOUCHEBAG! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! You are sitting there, in your fifth year of your PHILOSOPHY major, trying to lecture me and tell me that the structure of nucleotides in DNA HAS to be predetermined because of all this shit blah blah blah I stopped listening to you after like 20 seconds because you're such a fucktard. Go fuck yourself, I HATE YOU.
We are so fucking cool that we did a crossword puzzle in a bar while waiting for the Led Zeppelin tribute band to come on. Wish I'd gotten pictures of the lead singer in the wig......it was hilariously awesome.
*SIGH* right now I am being a loser sitting around eating a ridiculous amount of chocolate while my friend gets laid. Good for her.......bad for me.
I will be all fat and bloated and pimply and disgusting by tomorrow. That will turn on the guys. M-e-OW. They wont' know what hit them when I walk in with my unwashed/unbrushed greasy hair, pimples and sweatpants. Damn, that is sexy just thinking about it.

Sometimes my preppy, loserness astounds even me. It just comes so naturally....I look like a Ralph Lauren ad most of the time.....but without the skinny body, perfect hair and hot guy standing beside me.

Read an article in Glamour earlier about how to appreciate sex this woman had to sleep with a nerd. And that she now feels more appreciated because the nerd (for lack of better description of the guy) worships her. Now....this guy isn't a nerd. He is hot, and just because he's smart and enjoys reading does NOT make him a nerd. Stop fooling yourself, you slept with the hot, smart, bookworm guy. A REAL nerd watches Star Trek, knows the distance inbetween the planets mentioned in Star Wars and has never seen or touched a breast before. Those nerds are creepy as hell and not hot.....and definitely do not know how to have decent sex. Slept with the nerd my ass.......moron.
Download the song "Big Girls (You Are Beautiful)" by Mika immediately, if not sooner. It is awesome. Not even for "big girls", it is just all sorts of awesomeness.
I'm obsessed with Raymi's blog. It's awesome. Wish I had her sense of style and 'cool'-ness. If I met her I'd probably faint and be a loser.

i can't wait much longer

2007-09-17T23:02:00.000-04:00

I am fucking BORED. So I took lots of pictures of myself. Love how because I gained a bit of weight my boobs are huge and popping out of the f'ing shirt. It will be gone soon....the weight that is. Not the shirt.
Zebra print belt. Best fucking belt I've EVER owned. I love it. And oddly enough it's from the Gap. They can have some pretty awesome stuff sometimes!
Disco ball in my room. It's like a party...all the fucking time. Rock on bitches.
FINALLY got some clients at work. Very exciting. My one client is a 16 year old Icelandic girl. She is very adorable and reminds me of an eskimo and tells me how awesome I am all the time. No joke. She is cute and obviously my favourite client because she tells me how good I am. hahaha.
Went on a mild shopping spree this weekend. Bought this vest from Aritzia because I've been wanting it for like a year. Not going to lie, the big allure of it is the pom-poms.

I mean come on....there are fucking pom-poms on the vest!!! Also bought like three shirts from American Eagle and a sweatshirt from Aritzia. Like I needed them. I definitely needed the money more. Ah well.

Swinging the pom-poms. I am THAT awesome. Jokes all around.
I feel like having one of those random dance parties in your house where you get soooo hyper and just can't help dancing. But I will not do that in front of my new roomies because they'd think I was insane. I miss Melissa for this sort of thing.

WHERE ARE YOU MY LOVE?!?!?!?!?!

le sigh

2007-09-09T22:17:00.000-04:00

Do I ALWAYS want what I can't have? It's always back to you. I don't get it. I can't understand my thoughts or what I want. Am I realizing something...or trying to fool myself into feeling something because I think I should feel that way? Old....new........I just don't get it.

I feeling fucking disgusting lately. I've gained a bit of weight and I just feel nasty. Better work on that.

This format of the MTV MVAs is driving me nuts. They keep showing all these other parties and live performances and stuff....it's really annoying. And I'm fucking pissed that I missed Britney Spears' performance. Anyone see it? Was she decent or awful? I almost want her to be awful, but I'm slightly rooting for her as well.

Is there some sort of vibe that people give off when they dont' want to date anyone and then people won't stop bugging them. Like seriously, fuck off. When I've said that I'm too busy about ten times you'd think someone would get the hint.

I bought pink boxing gloves today. I'm super excited to not have to wear the disgusting smelly ones in the basement of GoodLife now. They smell so gross and the inside is all torn up so there is little white fluffs all over my hands when I take them off. Nasty.

FUCK. I don't get it.

you know I'll take you there.

2007-08-20T18:56:00.000-04:00

It's like I'm so stressed over nothing that every emotion is just building up inside me and wanting to get out. Do I scream in frustration? Or cry? Punch someone in the face? Laugh hysterically? I can't decide. It's all there. This is a long hard week and something is going to have to give.
I haven't been sleeping very well lately and have been working pretty long hours. I also have to pack up my room, paint my new room, move all my stuff, buy new furniture, say good-bye to my roommate of the past three years......all while learning a new job and getting chirped on all day by a bunch of guys. I mean I know most of it is all fun and games, but there is only so much one person can take. Doesn't help that I am MAJORLY PMS-ing.
Not to mention the fact that I feel absolutely disgusting lately. I feel very aware of my body and everything about it and what other people can see. I had to have my body composition taken today as part of my training and I just felt so embarassed and self-conscious throughout the entire thing. I have no idea why I did either because I've had it done before and by a guy, but it just felt humiliating today. I'm just in a total slump this past week and I need to snap out of it.

"Oh....um....crap, she's not here right now, can I take a message?"

2007-08-10T12:34:00.000-04:00

1. So I started my new job at GoodLife, it's going pretty well so far. Lots of reading and getting trained, which is kind of slow, but it's a good environment to be in. Everyone is super encouraging and nice....except when they pick on me. haha, love how everyone is super nice to Kristen (the other new trainer) and picks on me because they already know me. Way to make me feel welcome guys....awesome. It's really weird to be at work and have guys there now. Some of the members are SMOKIN' hot though. It's hard not to stare sometimes. hahahaha.

2. Spent the weekend in Wasaga with the high school girlies for Jenny's birthday, and it was insanity. The guys there are on another level of creepiness. They just walk right up to you and try to kiss you or put their hand up your skirt. Way to make me swoon guys. You know JUST what to do.

3. I'm having a seriously hard time finding an apartment. Everything is either too expensive or too crappy or living with a weirdo. I don't mind paying a LITTLE extra, but seriously, $800 a month for a basement apartment....get real. I may have to live out of my van..........I don't think I'd survive a week. haha

4. Ok, so usually when guys ask me for my number at a bar, rather than just saying no (unless they are super creepy or a huge jerk) I will give them a wrong number. Then I don't have to be a HUGE bitch and say no or deal with their call a few days later. But in Wasaga this weekend I was super drunk and actually gave out my REAL number. I was avoiding answering the phone for like five days and then was like, "Oh you're being an idiot, guys never ACTUALLY call girls that they try to pick up in a bar." Low and behold, the next time I picked up the phone it was the guy from Wasaga (who is the guy in the cowboy hat in the picture above). SERIOUSLY?! Who the hell knew guys ACTUALLY called!? Because I thought that they just never called! At least that's what I hear from other girls. Anyways, to get rid of him I pretended to be Melissa and told him I wasn't home.

5. I've been pretty good these past couples of weeks about eating properly and working out and stuff....gotta get a hot body because nobody will hire a personal trainer who is fatter than them! But I caved last night and had Wendy's.....it was beautiful. Mozzarella Supreme Burger.....so friggin' good. But seriously....the caving in has GOT to stop. I mean once in awhile is alright, but I've got to get a grip on myself. I actually have to exercise some self-control.......but first I have to get some.

6. In other news, where in the world is Trish Moffatt?! It's been almost a week since I've talked to you! WHERE ARE YOU?!

7. I feel like shopping like crazy. Just going out and buying a WHOLE bunch of stuff that I don't need. I do need to go shopping for some work stuff....like black pants and shorts and probably another new pair of running shoes. But I feel like buying stuff I don't need. It's a dangerous feeling. Especially since I don't really have a paycheck for awhile. SOMEBODY SEDATE ME!

I Can't Believe It's Over

2007-07-22T14:52:00.000-04:00

I just had the most exhausting night ever. It was emotionally exhausting and therefore physically exhausting as well. I didn't get to sleep until 8:30 this morning.

That's right. I spent the night reading the seventh Harry Potter book.

No joke.

If anyone has NOT read Harry Potter, I suggest you do so immediately so that you can read this book. Because it is the most fantastic book EVER. I started crying in the second chapter and didn't stop until the book was done. I know, I'm a loser. I don't CARE! IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!

It was everything that I thought it would be and more! Everything that I wished she'd do happened and yet there was always something more.

It was heartbreakingly sad. About halfway through I realized that I would never read a Harry Potter book for the first time ever again, and I didn't want to read it anymore. I wanted to preserve that moment where there was something unknown and something new to learn about the books that I've grown to adore over the past six years.

The book was also ridiculously heartbreaking in itself. Why did she have to kill so many characters who I loved and were so amazing? The second death that happened in the book shocked me. How could she kill something so innocent? I just burst into tears and sat there crying for a good five minutes. Little did I know that this was just the first of many of those outbursts to come, because JK Rowling was relentless in her quest of killing off innocent characters.

The night was one of those ones where you cry because you're so ridiculously happy and yet your heart is breaking at the same time. I know it's just a book. But these are characters that you've seen grow over the past ten years and you somehow feel like they are a part of you. Unless you TRULY appreciate Harry Potter you will not understand what I'm saying and think I'm an idiot/loser. But I'm not. And you just can't understand.

The book is one of those ones that I cannot read in public because people will wonder why the crazy girl is crying while reading a children's story. But it's not a children's story. It's SO much more than that. The struggle between good and evil, your friends being there for you, having faith, fighting for the ones you love, giving everything for people you don't even know. There is so much that we could learn from these books and we don't even know it.

Too bad I think I'm a muggle. Ah well. At least I've got the books.

Bored = Bankrupt

2007-07-15T20:25:00.000-04:00

Ew, is it like a pre-requisite for men around me to be FUCKING CREEPS?! This one friggin' creepo was starring at me for like an hour during the First Aid/CPR training course I just took. EW. I did NOT pay $75 to get stared at like a piece of meat. I could kick his ass. GROSS.

I'm feeling a little......I guess the word is lost lately. I'm not too sure what is wrong with me, but I hope I snap out of it soon. One minute I will be perfectly fine and happy and jumping around, the next I will be like, "get the F away from me." I don't understand it. Could be because I'm having some SERIOUS nerves about my interview on Wednesday for the personal trainer job at GoodLife, or could be because I'm just a tool. Whichever. UGH, there's also this one girl that I just want to smack everytime I see her. It's really annoying. But SHE'S SO ANNOYING AND STUPID! And I swear to GOD, if she giggles and flips her hair ONE MORE TIME I will snap. I fucking hate girls like that. And if she tans anymore she will officially be a nice shade of tangerine. EW.

Maybe I'm just feeling a bit lonely too. I enjoy being alone, but sometimes it's hard too. I think I might feel a little bit less stressed out if I actually get the job at GoodLife too, because a lot of what is worrying me is not being able to find/afford a relatively nice apartment. I refuse to lower my standards. I do NOT want to have to deal with centipedes. EW. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

I spent too much money shopping today. I was bored and feeling kinda alone so I went to the mall.....and bought shoes and a shirt and another shirt. All of which I didn't need. But the shoes MAY just be the love of my life. They are Diesel running shoes and quite pretty and comfy and amazing. AND they were on sale for like $40 off. So I guess I was saving money?! I also bought a blender of all things. Odd I know. But I think I'm going to start making protein shakes. I made one this morning....but I forgot to put ice in it.....so it was a weird texture, hahahaha.

I am SERIOUSLY contemplating getting a tattoo. I used to want one SOOOOOOO bad, but then decided it wouldn't be cool. But now I want one again. I want it on the back of my neck, in white ink and to say "Love" or "Live" in a cool writing. I am currently researching cool fonts and stuff online. This is serious. hahahahaha. Don't tell my mom.

EW. I've been a cow this weekend. It is BAD. I haven't been to the gym and have been eating WHATEVER the fuck I want. McDonald's yesterday, then ice cream, then tonnes of chocolate peanut butter stuff today and MORE ice cream. I can actually feel myself becoming bloated and nasty looking. Lovely. And it isn't such a secret why I don't have a boyfriend or anyone interested. hahahaha, oh I should stop pretending that I care, because I honestly don't. I've come to the conclusion that all boys are douchebags and not worth my time.

touch my ass again and I will break your finger

2007-07-07T08:48:00.000-04:00

This is what happens when you drink 1.5 L of wine, as shown in the first picture. I think Maria should visit every weekend, best time ever. hahaha! Guelph is packed full of douchebags too, not just Oakville. They are EVERYWHERE. I can't stand it. This one jerkoff was pinching my ass all night, I finally lost my shit and threatened loss of limb if he did it again. I wish Steve had been there because he would have pounded his face in. Sometimes it helps to have friends who do powerlifting and weigh like 230 pounds of pure muscle. If only he'd been there. hahaha
So freaking lazy last night.
I am contemplating quitting my job already. My manager quit and it is basically me and Leta in the backend trying to get to our quota of $31,000. We are at like $1400 so far. Go us.

Jeff is trying to 'woo' me over to GoodLife. I am pretty much sold. Just have to talk to Chris to see if he will help me get certified to be a trainer. Pretty sure he will. I hope he will. hahaha.

I fucking HATE the girls who live downstairs. They are fat cows and so fucking obnoxious. One of them hit my car with their huge ass work truck. PARK ON THE STREET YOU SKANK.
Oh, and your boyfriend is hideous.

I've REALLY got to get on finding another place to live. Otherwise I'm SCREWED.

I have been trying to be more 'nutritious' lately, i.e. not eat like five chocolate bars a day and bagels and all that crap. It is SO hard to eat the proper amount of portions at each meal, like 30% proteins and fats and 40% carbs. But I think it's starting to work. Apparently a lot of my love handles are gone and my tummy bulge...this is according to Maria and Melissa. I will take their word for it. I haven't really noticed any difference. I caved last night and ate a huge fucking sundae with peanut butter cups, whip cream and chocolate sauce. It was orgasmic.

Brett's little girl Aly is so adorable. She wears these teeny little baby crocs and smiles and waves everytime I see her. She was waving at me when I was doing bicep curls and makes faces on the glass of the daycare centre. It almost made me have a maternal urge. ALMOST. hahahahaha.

"What do you want to do tonight?" "Let's go dancing!" "Good idea buddy!"

2007-06-17T16:15:00.000-04:00

1) I find it kind of hard to write blogs when I'm feeling good and happy. Weird eh? I think I see blogs as a way of venting and releasing bad feelings, so when I'm feeling good I don't like to write blogs because I want to keep all the happiness inside and not let it out. Is that selfish?! hahaha! I don't care if it is!

2) Happy Father's Day Daddy!!!!!!! You're the bestest!

3) hahahaha, oh man, on Friday I got hit on by this guy, and he was actually quite nice and relatively cute, but he was wearing plaid board shorts and a striped polo. And I couldn't quite handle it. If single guys are wondering why they are still single, it's usually because of the way they dress or dance.

4) On Saturday at Squeeze we danced the night away. It was awesome. Although, what was perplexing was the group of five or six guys who were just like standing in a circle in the middle of the dance floor talking and then they'd randomly dance, and then just start talking again. Is this normal guy behaviour? I don't get it. Shouldn't you be wanting to dance with girls and not your guy friends? Do groups of guys sitting around on Saturday say, "We should go dancing!" like girls do?

Boys confuse me.

5) They're already talking about promoting me at work. I find this hilarious and exciting at the same time. I really need the money, but I find it hilarious that they want me to start on sales for personal training and the nutrition program, and then take the personal training course, and possibly be the assistant Zone Health centre manager. ummmmmm, I do nothing at work. Seriously. I am pro at looking like I am working, when I am actually doing nothing. It's kind of awesome. I do enjoy the comfy track suits though.

6) I got offered a job at GoodLife Fitness in membership sales too. Jeff was like, "I would have hired you! Why didn't you come talk to me?!". So if I decide that I don't like my job now, or that I would prefer working at GoodLife there is apparently a job waiting for me at the Fairway one, which is pretty freaking sweet.

7) I have realized I like food way too much for my own good. Like, I really really REALLY like it. I think I may need help.

8) I got a marriage proposal this week, I am considering accepting. hahahahaha, but not really. I'm not too sure I could ever live with a boy. ick. Oh, and plus the proposal was a joke from Chris.

9) Oakville is packed full of popped collared, white button-up shirts wearing, spike-y haired douchebags. Seriously.....it's chock full of them. If that is your type, get here now. You have your pick. If I see one more white button-up shirt I will flip out. All the guys here are just clones of one another. It is SO boring and I am so OVER IT.

just a deep breath and you'll be fine.

2007-06-09T10:28:00.000-04:00

I had a slight mini-panic attack this morning as I was lying in bed. Usually on Saturdays I will lie in bed until 9 or 10 with the window open just chilling with my bad self, but today I couldn't do it. I felt restless and agitated and I couldn't sit still. I couldn't shut my mind off and think of the stupid, mundane, pointless things that usually occupy my thoughts, it was all big stuff.....really big scary stuff. So I had to move to make that stuff go away, because I can't think about it yet, it's all too scary.

If I think about it it will all hit me at once and I won't be able to deal with it. I am still coping with the whole moving out thing. It is going well, but it is still scarier than I thought. I can't bring myself to go home yet, for fear that I won't leave again because it's comfortable and un-scary there. This room that used to feel like home to me is now not feeling like that, and I need to find a place that will do that for me, so it won't be as scary. It doesn't help that my mom wants me to come home and most of my friends aren't that supportive...only Trish really. I'm glad she told me she was proud of me because otherwise I don't think I could do it.

I was told lately that I was selfish and self-absorbed and only thought about myself, but I kind of feel like I have to be. I mean, I don't really think of myself that way, sure I like to do my own thing and I like to be alone, and I know that I am self-absorbed sometimes, but I've never really thought of myself as selfish. That is a horrible thing to say to someone, especially if it's not true. And what kills me the most is the person that told me that is the one I've done the most for in the past few years and I feel like I've been there for her and this is what she thinks of me? It would help if she was there for me when I needed her to, instead of telling me I'm self-absorbed. She doesn't realize that not everyone is as strong as her and wasn't born with her natural self-confidence.

I won't apologize for being that way. It was being that way that made me realize that maybe I was heading down the wrong path, that research and molecular biology wasn't right for me. I still love it, because I'm a huge nerd, and I love learning, but I need something more. I really like my new job, I like working with people and helping people realize their goals, it's made me happier and healthier. I will also absolutely NOT apologize for getting a personal trainer and going to the gym more, which is apparently what made me self-absorbed. I hated my body, and felt uncomfortable ALL the time, that is not how someone should live their life. Now I actually kind of like myself, and I'm starting to feel proud of the way that I look and not hiding from it as much. I'm not there yet, but I will be. And if going to the gym is making me feel this way, then like hell I'm going to stop. My trainer, Chris, has been more supportive of me in these past few months in ways that no one else has ever been. He's kind of past being a trainer, more of a friend now, which is fine with me, because I think he's a great person.

I really just wish that people could see it from other people's points of view more often. Something that may not be scary for you could be absolutely terrifying for someone else, maybe even the thing they fear the most. If you don't try and see it their way you will never understand them.

It's gotten to the point where I feel isolated and that I can't be around some people because I know how they think of me...and why would I want to be around people who think of me that way? I have other friends who think I'm great and are proud of me and support me, and I don't need to put myself in situations where I feel uncomfortable and judged.

I had to take a walk to clear my head, and it worked. I love walks. I'm such a loser I know, but I love being by myself walking down the trail by the river. I will take pictures and show you, because it is beautiful in a way that the trails in Oakville could never be. Guelph is such a different place, and it has its own pace, it takes a little bit to get used to. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it, because I tend to do things at my own speed anyways and not really wait for anyone, it's a fault I know.

And when my head cleared I realized that I don't need anyone else to be proud of me (except for my parents and Trish) because I'm proud of myself.

oh, HELL no.

2007-06-03T21:06:00.000-04:00

2 Jager bombs + 4 Swedish Berries shots + at least 7 beers = the most BRUTAL night of my life.

My apologies to Trish who had to take care of me while I was throwing up and then listen to me crying for an hour. Seriously, I don't know what the fuck is up with me throwing up when drinking lately. I think I need to learn to accept that I no longer have my alcoholic-like tolerance that I used to have in high school.......because I WAS an alcoholic back then. hahaha.

Oh man, today was balls. It was just awful. I was lying rotting on the couch for like three hours and then forced myself to take a walk outside to get some fresh air, which actually really really helped. But seriously, I am NEVER drinking that much again. I'm not even drinking again until my birthday, and even then I'm only having like.....three beers. And with my pathetic tolerance that will probably get me drunk. So sad. So very very sad.

In other news I saw Knocked Up on Friday....and it is friggin' AWESOME. Everyone should go and see it immediately....if not sooner! Seriously, it was soooo hilarious. I was actually crying at one point and my abs were burning. It was a brilliant movie. I haven't seen a movie that good in a VERY long time. Incredible.

Although I have decided I am NEVER having children. They showed the "crowning" moment of childbirth and it just looked awful. That is NOT natural. I don't care what anyone says...having snot-nosed brats scream at you for the next 30 years is not worth that. Not cool, not cool at all.

Sunscreen

2007-06-02T11:03:00.000-04:00

I'm sure you'll all recognize this "speech" because it was made into a song a few years back and has been e-mailed around like crazy. But I love it, and my friend Jenny gave me a book of it back when I turned 19 and I found it the other day and read it. And I still love it. So you should all read it....and listen to it/think about what it says.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

WEAR SUNSCREEN.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,

whereas the restof my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy

the

P O W E R

and

B E A U T Y

your youth.

Oh, never mind.

You will not

understand the

power and beauty

of your youth

until they've

faded.

But trust me,

in twenty years,
you'll look back
at photos
of yourself and
recall in a way
you can't grasp
now how much
possibility
lay before you

and how fabulous

you really looked.

You are

NOT

f a t

you

imagine.

Don't worry about the future.

Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective

as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.

The real troubles in your life

are apt to be things that never crossed your worried

mind, the kind that blindside you at four P.M.

on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.

Don't put up with people

who are

reckless

with yours.

FLOSS.

Don't waste your time on jealousy.

Sometimes you're ahead......sometimes you're behind.

The race is l-o-n-g and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive.

Forget the insults.

If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters.

Throw away your old bank statements.

s-t-r-e-t-c-h.

Don't feel guilty if you

don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people

I know didn't know at twenty-two what they wanted

to do with their lives.

Some of the most interesting

forty-year-olds I know

still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.

Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.

Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll

dance the funky chicken

on your seventy-fifth wedding anniversary.

ENJOY YOUR BODY. Use it every way you can.

Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it.

It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

D-A-N-C-E.

Even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions...even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents.

You never know when they'll be gone for good.

Understand that friends come and go,

but with a precious few you should hold on.

TRAVEL.

Don't expect anyone else to support you.

But trust me, on the sunscreen.

Friend Making 101

2007-05-29T10:29:00.000-04:00

BOO. I am going through one of those phases today where I'm all like mopey and depressed and annoying myself. UGH. I hate days like this when you look in the mirror and no matter what the logical side of your brain is telling you, all you can think is, "EW, that's disgusting" (refering to yourself of course). BLAH!

Of course the fact that I haven't been to the gym since Saturday could be contributing to that feeling, but I've been lazy/busy. Mostly lazy. I so could have gone yesterday, but went shopping instead, ah well. Gonna work it out tomorrow. Then hopefully this gross/ugly/depressing feeling will go away.

Also feeling super lazy and do not want to pack up all of my stuff to move back to Guelph tomorrow. I'm not too excited about that, seeing as I JUST got everything unpacked. And there is a box of shit in my room that I have to go through. I hate moving around, I like feeling settled. And also I thought I'd be more excited about moving back, but I'm not really feeling it so much right now, who knows why. Maybe it's the depressed, gross feeling seeping into other areas of my life. Also realized that I have like no friends up in Guelph right now, so it's going to be pretty boring. Ah well, guess I will have to learn how to make new friends........how do you do that?

mmmm I can smell the pretentiousness in the air

2007-05-25T09:16:00.000-04:00

I'm losing my mind a little bit more everyday that I am in Oakville. I don't know why I am hating it so much right now, usually I love the pretentious snottiness of the place when it's in all its glory, but lately I am loathing it.

It kind of feels like I am suffocating and just can't get out....but that could just be the heat. It's funny how my parents aren't even that overbearing and "do this with your life instead of this", but I feel like they are. They were being all "let's give advice to the university grad on what she should do with her life" earlier when I first moved back, but then I told them I was moving to Guelph no matter what they said and they shut up and realized it was true. My dad keeps making suggestions for me to keep living at home and I just keep saying no. I know that I am their only daughter and they love me so they want me to stay, but I just feel like in order to move forward in life I have to move out. There is something stagnant about this place for me, it makes me really unproductive.

The wise thing to do this summer would have been to work at the bank or get a job in Oakville while living at home to save money. But I have never done the wise thing, I always just do what I want at the time and tend to plan that way. whatever. Maybe in a few months I will realize the stupidity of my mistake and learn the consequences of having no money and will move back to Oakville and beg for a job somewhere, but I doubt it. I am one of those people that doesn't mind being alone and kind of likes it. A loser? loner.....who knows. I'm not too sure I can live with someone ever again. I enjoy my space and I don't feel like I'm getting it.

I think I will go to the driving range later. I feel like I need more physical activity in the forms of a sport in my life. Plus there are no driving ranges that I know of in Guelph so I gotta get my fix before I go.

HAHAHA BUH BYE SRI LANKANS!

2007-05-24T20:10:00.000-04:00

1) I. AM. DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEE YOU IN HELL SUCKERS! I finished at the bank FOREVER! THAT'S RIGHT! I am never going back there, EVER, and you can't make me! I am so glad that it's over and done with! I fuckin HATE that place. I hate traveling on the train to work, walking up Bay street, going down FOUR STOREYS underground and sitting in a place that makes me feel like I'm on an airplane all day with gross recirculated air. It makes my skin disgusting and I feel depressed and useless in life when I'm there. Although they did give me samosas yesterday, which was pretty awesome.

2) I just ate half of a huge Rolo caramel filled egg. It was disgusting and so satisfying at the same time. I have been having MASSIVE chocolate cravings and just cravings in general. I hate it. It's so gross how you cannot control it. Well, I cannot control it. I have no willpower or self-control. I am weak. And it is sad. I must now go to the gym and do like four hours of cardio to burn off the calories from that stupid fucking egg.

3) I've been looking at apartments online for in Guelph. I can't believe they want $600 a month for a bachelor! WTF!? hahaha, I am clearly new at this whole renting thing. I fucking hate renting. It's such a waste of money. But how else am I supposed to live? On the street? I could live with a roommate again (a stranger mind you) and save money......but do I really feel like sharing a bathroom with a total stranger? I don't know. We'll see how I feel in July or so, I could feel differently about blowing my hard-earned cash on rent just because I don't want to share a bathroom and kitchen.

4) I have realized that living in Oakville makes me fat. No joke. It's because my mom stockpiles all of this stuff like cookies, chocolate bars, chips, popcorn, etc that I don't even bother buying in Guelph because I can't afford it. Plus I tend to be bored a lot more in Oakville because I don't have Melissa or Austin to entertain me. My parents tend to rely on me for entertainment and my cats just lie there and look cute.

5) I really don't like the Goodlife in Oakville. It is in a basement and there isn't really a flow to the set-up, and no real space to do free weight workouts in. Also all of the people who work there and train there are snobby, stuck-up, pretentious ass holes. The girls give me evil eyes, the trainers have this look like, "I am so much better than you because I'm a trainer" and then there's me that just goes around and I do my thing and ignore everyone. Maybe they are all jealous of my sweet ass. Who knows. Apparently sweating at the gym is "gross" as I heard one girl put it. If you're not going to sweat why are you even there?!?!??! Seriously the girl said to her friend, "Ew, that girl is actually sweating! Gross!" What the fuck is wrong with people these days?!

6) It is FUCKING HOT in my room. Like absolutely ridiculous. My dad won't turn on the air conditioning because it's supposed to go down again over the weekend, so he just won't turn it on. WTF?! Not that my room gets any air circulation anyways. Ah well, I suppose I should get used to living without a/c....I won't be able to afford it when I move to Guelph.

7) Two of my light bulbs have burnt out and I am WAY too lazy to replace them. There are these lightbulbs that you can use that are better for the environment, and if you replace just one bulb in your house it's like taking 5 cars off the road or something. Who knows. I saw it on Ellen when I was being a bum last week. I think I'm going to try and find those. I figure I should do something seeing as I am probably solely responsible for the earth's water shortage from the length of my showers.

8) I am now going to the snotty gym to work off my Rolo egg.

National Break-Up Week

2007-05-18T17:31:00.001-04:00

This has been the most random insane week ever. It's like break-up season or something, first me and Tony and then, oddly enough, Melissa and Steve. Which is insane because I was like 500% positive that they were going to get married. So was she, so she's pretty much completely and totally heartbroken. If I ever see Steve again, I will KILL him.

I got the job at Exclusively Women's Fitness.....get this, as a Fitness Consultant HAHAHAHA. I actually lecture people about fitness and nutrition. HILARIOUS. I wish they paid me more, but I gotta start somewhere. And if I decide to get certified for personal training they will help pay for part of it. So we'll see how it goes. I had to give two weeks notice at the bank, and I was kinda scared to do it. My boss can be scary sometimes, but she was totally cool and all like, "oh you don't even need to give two weeks" but I need the money and my other job doesn't start until June 5th, so I'm going in. Let's hope I can find somewhere to live on my seriously limited income, and that my Dad sucks it up and let's me keep the car without blowing it to the insurance company, otherwise it's -$3000 a year for Jaime. Not cool.

I have a serious crush on my personal trainer, Chris. He, of course, has an amazing body.....I almost swooned today when I saw him without his shirt on. He asked for my number...not going to lie, I gave it to him. It may be too soon after a relationship, but I think it would be kind of fun to go on a date. I don't think I've ever REALLY been on a date where you meet at a prearranged place and time, just the two of you and aren't already boyfriend and girlfriend. How sad is that. I clearly lead a boring, mundane existence. Anyways, he's a bit older......and by a bit I'm guessing he's around 37. Ah well. The abs are totally hot.

I'm LOVING the Stones vs. Beatles weekend on Q107. It brings a highlight to my sad, pathetic life.

Visited the old high school this week too. It was quite the trip. My grade seven homeroom teacher is retiring so I talked to her for awhile, and got to chat with Miss Renwick (who is SO awesome), and Mr. Schreiner...who wasn't even my teacher and somehow remembers me. He says it's because I was so loud and always interrupted his class. I'd believe it. Something about that place makes me and Tina start to scream and jump around and be loud. I'm SO sending my kids there if I have girls. Although it will probably cost like $30,000 a year or something ridiculous like that. Who knows.

I love pizza.

fugly

2007-05-15T08:48:00.000-04:00

Ugh. I had high expectations for yesterday, and it SO didn't pan out. I hate it when that happens. It makes me all depressed and like, "Why me? Why didn't this happen?" and I hate getting all whiny and baby-ish like that. Boo. I'm so not cool right now because I'm all mopey and wondering what happened to my high-expectations day. I think I need to start getting more sleep because I've kind of been like this for two days now, and it's definitely not from 'female problems' so I wonder what's wrong with me. I'm actually annoying the crap out of myself.

I think it's kind of because they didn't immediately offer me a job after I did that stupid gym tour, so now I'm all questioning my self-worth and confidence. I hate it when something so small can just totally zap away all the fake confidence that you've built up. But she said they'd call me on Friday, so I'm still really hoping that I get the job because I want it so bad. But maybe I want it TOO bad and just looked kind of desperate...who knows.

I have just that UGHHHHHH feeling where you feel so fat and fugly and disgusting and lack all self-confidence. Also, haven't been feeling too good for the past couple of days, maybe have a stomach thing. Who knows.

I'm going to the gym. They say endorphins make you happy...so let's see if that theory is right.

Could possibly be the love of my life...

2007-05-11T15:47:00.000-04:00

1) I bought booty jean shorts. I felt it was time to break out the new legs to the world. I am feeling quite proud of them and how muscular they look. Maybe if you're lucky I will post a picture of me wearing them......only if you're lucky though.

2) I'm in the process of being interviewed for a job at Exclusively Women's Fitness Club in Guelph. I seriously hope that I get it because I want to move out of my parent's house. I suppose I could move out anyways, but it just makes no sense if I have to keep the job at the bank. Which I hope that I don't. This place has a series of THREE interviews.....insane. I have to memorize an advertising thing about a tour and then give the tour to someone. I am freaked. I think that if I do pretty well on this that I will get the job though.

3) TiVo may be the love of my life. It's awesome. You can just record something, watch it whenever and fast forward through the commercials. It's amazing.

4) It's weird that I get cravings for the couple of days after my period. Like, I don't understand...shouldn't it be before? Usually before I tend to just burst into tears at the slightest emotional twinge. It's annoying as shit. But not as annoying as cravings a Wendy's Bacon Cheeseburger while I'm on the Special K diet.

5) My hair is ridiculously blonde. Like when she was drying it I was kind of like, "ok....that's not so bad...I like it........oh...it's still almost completely wet?" Like holy mother fucker. I'm still trying to decide whether I like it or not. I'm afraid that I am going to look like one of those incredibly fake blonde girls where their hair is actually a light shade of green because they've highlighted it so much. I will post pictures.

6) I am slowly developing a shoe fetish. It is scary and sad. I have found this new love for footwear that I never had before. I kind of feel like I'm cheating on the rest of my wardrobe with shoes, and whenever I bring home another shoebox I get the evil eye from my favourite jeans. Who knows. Is it sad that I think clothes have feelings? I love my clothes too much.

7) Did I mention that I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want that job? My parents are starting to drive me more insane...if that is even possible. And I have just been informed by Melissa that it is not possible for me to be more insane. But they keep casually suggesting career possibilities for me that have absolutely nothing to do with ANYTHING that interests me. Not cool.

8) Vanilla Girl Guide Cookies are so awesome. And are SO going to make me fat.

i love travel.

2007-05-09T18:34:00.000-04:00

I WANT THESE UNDERWEAR!!!!! And the matching bra....but they are too expensive. Damn you Victoria's Secret. I am now completely obsessed with it.

I think that working my ass off for my bikini body was worth it. Got a lot more work to do, but this picture is kind of inspiring to me.

The remants of the most massive sundae ever. So good. I think I may have gone into hyperglycemic shock.
First bite of NYC pizza.....heaven.

Trips are awesome. I love traveling. Went everywhere I wanted to in NYC and bought a fabulous dress and some awesome shoes.

single tear

2007-04-21T21:10:00.000-04:00

I am packing up my room tonight. The past three years of my life are just gone, and I don't know where they went. It's kind of a shock that it's over so quickly and it's kind of hitting me pretty hard. Not gonna lie, I've shed more than a few tears as I've sifted through my notes, pictures, magazines, clothes and general crap that I've accumulated here. I never thought that I'd call this place home, but now I kind of think of it that way. Not as much as Oakville, but it's kind of getting there. I don't want to go back. It feels like I'm moving back in time and the past four years didn't even happen! How is that possible?
haha, my bedspread that I got so much grief for throughout the years. It's from the kids department at Sears and I'm so glad that I got it. Everyone made fun of me but I think it brightened up my dorm room and my room here. It's very snuggly. Everyone always loved my bed here, oddly enough. I'd be at the computer doing work and look over and Maria, Melissa and the cat would be lying on my bed watching me. Creeps, but what can you do. I used to get super pissed that they were lying on my bed while I wasn't hahaha. Now it's just Melissa creepily sleeping on my bed.

BAHAHAHAHHAHAHA, these pictures always make me laugh. Everytime we went out (which wasn't very often) we'd have to take a picture of the three of us together with one of us trying to hold the camera and the others deliberately being jerks and trying to annoy them. I think the top one was at the end of second year and the bottom one is from the beginning of third year when we went out for Maria's birthday. Both clearly awesome times...because we're awesome.

Soooooooo unfortunately this is me and Melissa acting normally. Yes, this is a REGULAR occurence in our household, not from alcohol, lack of sleep, stress or other things. This is just us. And Maria of course there capturing this moment that I CLEARLY want remembered forever with her humongous camera, which she has since gotten rid of. *tear* I loved making fun of that camera.

In Trappers on the sketchy back couches where people probably have sex and throw-up, me and Melissa are laughing our asses off at something we can't even remember. I actually fell off of the couch onto the dirty dirty dirty dirty floor. Oh the good times.

I am not even going to comment on how freaking CREEPY it was that Melissa took this picture of me napping. CREEEEEEEEPER!!!!!!!!! I do believe that Maria encouraged this creepiness, therefore Maria is a creeper too.

BAHAHAHAHAHHA, this is what happens when we let someone else take pictures of us and we end up getting caught in moments like this. I love how my face is practically deformed and I'm for some reason dancing like a Hawaiian person. Ahhhh Maria, how I miss you and making fun of your Polish ways!!!

Basically I just can't believe that it's over. I made some good friends, not too many, but the ones I made I know will be around forever. Even if I wanted to get rid of them they wouldn't go away. hahaha, but I would never want to get rid of you guys! I love you! And I'm so thankful that I have had the opportunity to live with you and get to know you! You guys are amazing, beautiful, hilarious, smart and all-around spectacular people and I feel absolutely priviledged to have been able to call myself your friend!

Good Body

2007-04-17T23:00:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I know that I've been posting a lot about working out and eating well and losing weight, blah blah blah, but I want it to be known that I am in no way abusing my body or encouraging people to do that to themselves. Sure my going to the gym has a streak of vanity behind it, but mostly I'm tired of the 'crash dieting' thinking and it always failing. I'm sick of starving myself for a specific goal and then not reaching it and thinking of myself as a failure. So what if I'm not size four by the dominican?! Who the fuck cares? I sure don't. I think I look hot in a bikini. I'm just trying to make healthier lifestyle choices. I'm not going to deny myself, but asking myself if I REALLY need that Blizzard from Dairy Queen after eating like 40 mini eggs makes me think of what I'm doing to my body. It's the only one that I have, so I need to start taking care of it. I should have a looooong time ago. I don't want to think in terms of "lose 10 pounds for this, don't eat for three days before this" it's depressing, and it makes me not want to do it. But I'm finding if I think long-term that it seems much more do-able. If I aim to get my body fat % down by 5% by december, that's a reasonable goal which I can...and probably will achieve. I don't give a shit if I lose ten pounds anymore, I don't care about my weight. I'm starting to care about how I feel and how I feel so much better about myself when I'm at the gym and eating when I'm hungry. Sure every once in awhile I'm like, "wow, I wish I had her body" but who doesn't? I'm starting to realize that thinking long-term is much more healthy than short-term.
10 Things NEVER to say to your body:
1)Mini?! Not on these hips!
2)Must turn off the light before he gets to underwear (Honey...if he's going for the underwear, he'd appreciate it a LOT more if the lights were ON!)
3)You'd be gorgeous if you could just cut off everything below the waist...
4)You'll never get any love with those love handles
5)If these jeans do not fir, I swear, no more food for a week
6) Posh Spice, Role Model! (She is DISGUSTING.)
7) Oh, great, a three way mirror. Try not to look. (Or pose in every possible way and admire that booty....)
8) Better not work out - big muscles scare all the guys away (Ummmm...maybe you should tell the guys to get THEIR asses to the gym)
9)I hope my daughters don't inherit these
10) Yuck

I found an article in Glamour magazine in the May 2007 issue, and I think everyone should read it. It's kind of talking about what I did, about how every woman is a different size and that you shouldn't push or starve yourself to be a size 0 when you're healthy size is a 6 or even 10. Read it. NOW bitches!
This is an page from the magazine that I love.

The New Good Body:
-is bursting with energy...no Red Bull required
-relishes pregnancy's curves and wouldn't be caught dead in a muumuu (thank GOD for that)
-leaves the lights on so she can see and be seen
-doesn't try to be some plasticized notion of man-sexy. Here's what's hotter: looking real.
-comes in every colour of the rainbow.

The Old Good Body:
-deprived itself of all things delicious (f that, pass the brownies please!)
-cinched itself silly (curves are so much more sexy)
-was all 'no-pain, no-gain'

Everyone should buy the magazine and read this article immediately. I think it's amazing and about time. I'm sick of girls/women/my beautiful, gorgeous, amazing friends starving themselves and trying to lose weight instead of being healthy. I think my new belief should be that if you make healthy choices your body will follow and you will look amazing just being you.

10 things to say more often to your body:
1)Less is not more baby.
2) I will love my flaws.
3) Walk away slowly so everyone can enjoy the view (THANK GOD, shake that booty girl!)
4) It's clothes' job to fit my body, not the other way around (if only designers thought like this)
5) Don't turn down chocolate!!! It's full of those anti-oxi-thingies
6) He loes that, and those....and especially these. (Lucky guy!)
7) Whatever it is...these thighs can handle it.
8) Hungry? EAT SOMETHING. Makes sense, right?
9) There's nothing wrong here that a great pair of jeans can't fix.
10) Well done.

A Litte Bit Awesome

2007-04-14T13:35:00.000-04:00

Hahaha ok I'm going to confess....I love my ass. It is fucking SWEET. I know I sound soooo ridiculously conceited, but it's getting so f'ing awesome from squats and cardio and lunges. Like, it's almost a work of art. BAHAHAHA. Ok, so maybe that was a bit far, but seriously, I caught a glimpse of it while changing yesterday to go to the grocery store with Melissa and I was like, "hot damn, that's sweet!" and Melissa was like, "jesus, can we GO YET?" hahaha. I was like, "I MUST document this hotness" and hence the pic of me dancing around before going to the gym this morning showing off my hot ass.
I'm going to see Blades of Glory tonight and I'm pretty fucking excited. Also going to Jack Astor's for this California Salad....seriously, it's one of the most awesome salads in the world. You need to have it immediately, except substitute the Spring Mix for Romaine lettuce and it makes it like fifty times better. Trust me.

Oddly, I feel like I've been eating a lot of salads lately, even though I've only had like three this week. But that's up from the normal.....zero I usually have! lol. Trying to shed a few pounds fast before the Dominican and then New York. Who knows what will happen to my body with unlimited alcohol and food and no gym. It could be disastrous.

During exam time my world shrinks to this...my desk. Now normally I LOVE my desk and can just sit and chill and read or go on the internet, whateve's...but lately I feel like I'm chained. Possibly because it's my last set of exams....EVER. I've pretty much decided that I will apply for a Master's at Guelph, but I don't think I'm going to do it. I did like going into the lab and it was interesting and definitely intelluctly stimulating but I don't think I can do it for the rest of my life. The thought of that kind of makes me want to shoot myself in the foot. I think I need something more physically challenging and with more daily variation. I don't want to be stuck feeling like I'm 'studying' for the rest of my life.

I've actually been very seriously considering getting certified to become a personal trainer. I've checked out the courses and my trainer, Chris (a.k.a McBaldy, bahahaha), says he'll put me in touch with the guy who trained him. I'd also need to get my CPR and First Aid renewed, obviously, and there's this Nutrition and Wellness course I'd like to do as well. I mean, I can't really lecture people on eating well and nutrition if I know nothing about it. We'll see how I still feel about it around the end of May. If I still think it's a good idea and interesting then I'm going to do it. I'm not an idiot, I know I still need to work on my body a lot and get my body fat % down, but I'm willing to do it. I think I could be good at being a personal trainer. I feel as though my degree would be a huge waste though. Ah well. We'll see what happens.

Blogging is a sweet way to procrastinate.

2007-04-09T13:36:00.000-04:00

A picture of my semi-sexy body, which will be gone after I finish eating my massive bag of Cadbury Mini-Eggs that my mom got me for easter. I actually ate so much food at Easter Dinner that I couldn't eat breakfast this morning. I forced myself to though because otherwise I probably would have died during my training session. I've actually started to gain weight from my training sessions because of the muscle I've been putting on. I don't mind. Weight is just a number to me. I would rather be 200 pounds and muscular, fit and slim, than 110 pounds and anorexic. Much more healthy to eat and workout than starve myself. Special K diet has been going alright so far. Getting a little boring. I may have to buy strawberries to cut up and add to the cereal so that I don't get so bored I just kill myself. mmmmmm strawberries.

Behold, the 943 g bag of Mini Eggs, which will make me fat. I have absolutely no willpower or self-control when it comes to not eating things or buying clothes. I had to put the bag in a hard to reach place because even though I was full and about to be sick because of the amount of minieggs I had eaten, I kept on eating them. Now they are stored safely in my cupboard which takes like five minutes to get too because I have to first stand on a chair and then the countertop in the kitchen. So not worth it.
Right now instead of studying for my exams, which are in three days (shit) I have been researching professors and research projects for my Master's. I am still unsure about whether or not I want to actually do my Master's Degree, but I figure it can't hurt to apply. There are like three profs at Guelph that I really think would be interesting, and I've had two of them as profs already so I know they're pretty cool. I'm just not too sure how I would do at writing a thesis and having to go to the lab everyday. I guess we'll find out.
I am super excited for Melissa and I's trip to Punta Cana. I am determined to look ridiculously hot in my new Victoria's Secret bikinis and knock'em dead. So I've been working out hardcore lately. I'm definitely starting to see some positive results...a lot less "muffin top". hahahahaha. That term kills me. I almost want to stay in Guelph because I love the gym here. I mean I know there are gyms everywhere, but I really like the atmosphere of this one, the way its set up, the people, the trainers, etc. But alas, I am stuck working in Toronto at the bank again this summer. A serious boo urns to that. I fucking HATE the bank. It's so depressing and makes my soul want to die. Think I'm being overdramatic? Why don't you try sitting 4 stories underground with no windows, Sri Lankans talking about you with recirculated air for 10 hours a day.

I had to help my mom with my grandma yesterday, getting her for Easter dinner and such, and it really just makes me sad. She's turning 94 this year and you can really tell what a difference it makes if someone took care of themselves earlier on in life. My grandma never used to exercise or eat properly and stuff like that, and now you can really tell. She has serious osteoporosis, shaking and memory loss...also blind in one eye. I really hope that if I ever get like that someone just shoots me. No offense. But I would rather die than just exist. What's the point in being alive if you're not living?

Crying Girls Make Me Nervous

2007-04-02T00:28:00.000-04:00

Ugh, can't decide whether I had a good weekend or a shitty weekend. I'm definitely leaning towards a shitty weekend. I mean, it had the makings to be an alright weekend, but it just went downhill. I can't decide whether my favourite part was my new personal trainer reducing me to tears, drinking so much that I vomited or hearing a piece of news I definitely didn't need to hear. Not to mention the fact that I was so hung today it was fucking ridiculous. Ew, you know what you're SOOOO hungover and dehydrated and your body is like, "this is my revenge for you fucking me over last night". That's the kind of hangover it was. When I went to get McDonald's (hangover food, don't judge) I moved my eyes to drive the car and the movement of my eyeball actually hurt my head. I didn't know that was possible.

But yah, I think I've decided that my favourite part of the weekend was when I burst into tears when I was in a training session with my new trainer. My old trainer Meghan quit, and that kind of broke my heart because I loved her. She made it really fun and gave me these awesome programs that were challenging but I loved to do.

And this ass hole comes along and ruins it all. He clearly didn't read my profile beforehand because he had no clue that I have a serious rib injury that stops me from doing a lot of overhead stuff and twisting motions. He's trying to make me do this exercise where you throw the medicine ball to the other person by throwing it overhead and I was like, "I can't do that" and he's all trying to be a macho trainer guy and is like, "oh sure you can, it's easy, don't be a wuss, people always think they can't do stuff, blah blah blah" and then I just started to cry. It was also compounded by the fact that I couldn't breathe and felt like I was about to faint and he was like, "whatever, suck it up". When someone is having so much trouble breathing that they are about to hyperventilate you don't tell them to suck it up and go faster, you tell them to take a break for a second. So yah, then I started to cry and he had no clue what to do. He was one of those guys that has no idea what to do around a crying girl. Kind of gave me a secret and sick validation to think that I was making him uncomfortable.

So I am asking McBaldy if I can switch trainers again. This guys all changing my programs and stuff saying that they aren't right. But he doesn't know shit and thinks I'm trying to lose weight, when in reality my long-term goal is to change my body composition and increase my lean muscle mass. So he thinks he knows what he's talking about....but he's just a moron without a clue. And he was short, so it was kind of hard to take him seriously.

Another major UGH is the news that Tony gave me today about this fucking thing that drives us crazy. I'm SO not going into details because it's none of your fucking business (nosy bitches, hahaha, only joking!) but it pisses me off like crazy. I just wish that people would leave us alone and be happy for us, but NOOOOO all they can do is think about how to destroy other people's happiness for their own validation and because they have no one. Well you bitch, here's what I have to say to you: Go fuck yourself because nobody else is going to do it.

I'm not sure if you're upset with me or something. I'm a little confused and honestly, a little hurt as to what's going on. Actually, I don't even know what's going on. I just wish you'd let me in and trust me again, and tell me what to do to make it right. I just want to help you and for you to be happy.

Ok, so I know that this post has just been me basically whining and complaining, but I don't care. Everybody has off days and everybody has the right to bitch about it. This has really not been my weekend and I am venting. Deal. Hahahaha, sorry, just thought about the trainers face when I started to cry. I almost feel sorry for the poor guy.

Almost.

Never Been A Sinner, Never Sinned

2007-03-30T09:45:00.000-04:00

Me demonstrating why I wish I could live my live as a cat. He gets to be wrapped in my sheets and lying in the sun while I'm doing work? Fuck that.

Procrastinating and dancing around to Avril Lavigne's 'Girlfriend' song. It's kind of a horrid, pop-ish, girly song but I kind of like it. It gets me all riled up to go to the gym and makes me jump around....as shown in the photos. hahaha that last photo makes me laugh b/c of the stupid look on my face. I'm all like, "YAH, this is the SHIT" but really it's just me jumping around by myself.

I wasn't going to put the first photo in because of the whole headless thing, but I decided I should because it shows that my legs have gotten thinner. HA. I just like photographic proof that all my sweating and grossness at the gym is paying off. I started a modified version of the Special K diet too. I don't want to completely starve myself because I would die at the gym, so I allow myself fruit or nuts or veggies as a snack, and I try to eat a relatively low-cal dinner. I got pissed because I realized that even though I'm getting more muscular my hotness factor wasn't upping because I still had a nasty layer of fat over the muscles, hence the Special K diet. I'm hoping this bodies' here for the long-term. HAHAHA, I just noticed I'm kind of giving the finger in the top picture. It was totally an accident.

P.S. Anyone who hasn't read Raymi the Minx's blog should do so IMMEDIATELY if not sooner. The link is on my page. And also, you should check out Merkeleys??? pictures. Because even though they are of naked chicks, they are awesome, partly because of the nakedness. Emily started putting them up on her site and I LOVE them. They are so different and interesting. I love it. If I had the courage I would so want to pose for him. Although, I think Tony would kill me.....and then my Dad probably would too.

ALSO, I was being a loser listening to my mom's CDs, and the Forest Gump soundtrack is actually pretty awesome. Clearly they are old songs, but so awesome at the same time. I already knew all the songs and could sing along, so I didn't feel like a huge loser for not knowing the words. I was also clearly by myself in the car, as I would never subject anyone to have to listen to me singing. I am especially obsessed with Spirit In The Sky by The Eagles. Don't know if there are other bands who sing it, but this is awesome. It's kind of country-ish/religious, but so awesome at the same time. So classic.

This is what happens when I am BORED.

2007-03-26T13:19:00.000-04:00

So this is what happens when I am ridiculously bored and waiting for an e-mail from the lab tech about my plasmids. I know you don't care, but I'm telling you anyways. I should be doing something productive, like my research project, applying for jobs, putting my furniture up on thecannon.ca to sell it...but instead I am being narcissistic and taking pictures of myself.

I am really getting into this whole 'gym' thing. I am actually CRAVING gym trips now. Like my body has too much energy to just not go. I'm sure Meghan will be pleased when I tell her. I went yesterday because Iwas dying to go. Weird. I actually did my entire first workout, twice, and threw in some exercises from my "Day 2" workout. She taught me this new one, and I absolutely love it. Except the stairs. Those are killer. I will have a hot body eventually. And I'm actually enjoying getting it. Maybe my lifepath should be a personal trainer?! HAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, I couldn't even keep a straight face there for more than two seconds.

I think that all the working out is being balanced out by the chocolate and ice cream cravings I've been having. Ohhh and starchy stuff. Like salt and vinegar Pringles. It's ridiculous.

I am crazily looking forward to The Hills tonight. YESSSSS!!!! I freaking LOVE that show. It is horribly mindless, stupid, self-absorbed and life-wasting, but I love it anyways.

Lately I've had the feeling that I've been so self-absorbed, hence the huge shopping spree this past weekend. However, I think it's just stress. I'm graduating in like....four weeks? That is the SCARIEST thought ever. Not really looking forward to having to work for the next, oh forty odd years. ICK. So I'm stressed about finding a job, having a place to live, earning money, passing my classes, finishing my research project, losing weight, Tony and a whole bunch of other things. So if I've seemed a bit selfish lately it's just because I have a lot on my mind and am worried about a bunch of things. I'm not going to apologize for it because everybody gets stressed and can have a lot going on in their life.

mmmmmmmm shopping. drool

2007-03-24T09:52:00.000-04:00

Life is short.
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,

And never regret anything that made you smile.

I got that in an e-mail from my Mommy, and I thought it was kind of cute and very true. Cliche, but true.

Oh man, I went on a mega shopping spree yesterday and now I cannot afford to live. hahaha. It was kind of ridiculous, but since I got 40% off at American Eagle I went a little nuts. THEN they didn't give me the full discount, so now I have to drive my ass back up to Sherway so they can fix it. SO annoying. But probably worth the extra $80 I'll save. And trust me...I need that $80. My mom then bought me stuff from the Gap and shoes from Aldo. I have to say that I'm soooo surprised she bought me anything because we're going to New York in May and apparently the hotels there in May cost an absolute fortune. Who knows, maybe we'll be sleeping on a park bench like she said. At least I'll look hot. hahaha.

ew, last night I fell asleep at like 9:45 on the couch watching figure skating with my mom. If I'm not the biggest loser ever I don't want to know who is. I was so tired I couldn't even keep my eyes open, it was ridiculous. I guess shopping and the gym takes a lot out of you. Wow, I lead a hard life. But grossest of all was that I fell asleep with my make-up still on. I HATE that. It's the grossest feeling ever when you wake up at like 4 in the morning and realize that it's still on there. It makes me feel like....what's that word? oh yes, a dried-out old prostitute that fell asleep on the curb. Yes that sounds about right.

So this morning after I washed my face, I used this peel-off mask because just washing my face after falling asleep in make-up isn't enough to make me feel clean. ick. So anyways, there I am peeling off this mask (which makes your face look soooo ridiculously shiny), which makes it look like your skin is melting off your face and I realized that someone other than my parents or Melissa is going to have to see me looking like this one day. I mean, unless I end up living alone with my multitude of cats (which is SO possible) then my future boyfriend/husband/pimp is going to have to see me looking like that. I wonder if there is going to come a point where it is SO normal to see your significant other looking like that that you don't even make fun of them. I think that might be a sad day.

I mean I have absolutely no problem about being seen without my make-up on. I mean, seriously, who cares? I learned long ago that if someone doesn't still love you when you have no make-up on that they aren't worth it. This was learned when my friend Ashleigh showed up at her boyfriend's house with no make-up and he was like, "EW, please go home, put make-up on and then come back. We'll catch the later movie." I mean, how awful is that?! And she didn't break up with him immediately. Shame on her. But I mean there is a big difference to me of being seen without make-up or washing your face and being seen pulling off an exfoliating mask which apparently is supposed to make my skin soft and smooth. I don't think I could handle that until at least five years of being together. And like, could I make a special section of the living quarters mine and he is not allowed to infiltrate?! Like, I don't think he'd like me walking in and catching him using my moisturizer or shaving his chest....or worse. EWWWWWWWWWW. I think the prospect of a section of house that is my own would be pretty sweet. Then I would never have to face questions like, "What does this do?" "Do you REALLY need four blush colours?" and "OH MY GOD! YOUR SKIN IS MELTING OFF!!!!". Which frankly would become annoying. Ah well, maybe this is one of those things where I'm just being weird and territorial and it's really no big deal. Who knows.

Spencer Is A Dick

2007-03-19T18:35:00.000-04:00

Soooo, for years I have been telling everyone that Austin, Melissa's cat, is freaking insane and attacks us. No one ever believes me. Now I have photographic proof.

These pictures ALSO prove that I have absolutely no life except for procrastination. Ah well. It keeps me amused.

So instead of going out and getting rocked out of my mind on St. Patty's Day I went and saw Zodiac. It is a relatively decent movie...some parts were a little scary. Tony made fun of me for like ten minutes after I jumped when he shot a guy. Thanks a lot. It was a freaking long ass movie, almost three hours. When I stood up at the end, my knees cracked and my back was sore. I thought that was supposed to happen when you're 60, not 22. I feel old.

Also, my mom made fun of me for like ten minutes about how I didn't even drink anything on St. Patty's Day. Apparently my great-great-grandmother and grandfather on someone's side is from outside of Belfast. So I really AM part Irish and don't have to pretend! Unfortunately, I also didn't drink...and discovered I have almost no green clothes...which is kind of sad.

Some good news, my PCR FINALLLLLLY worked. Or at least gave me some sort of result. For the past two or three months I've been extracting DNA and then trying to amplify it and for some reason the DNA disappears when I try to run it on a gel. But now it finally worked! YEEEESSSS! Maybe now I won't fail my research project and consequently life.

Ohhhh man, The Hills is such a stupid and awesome show at the same time. Throughout the entire episode I just make fun of everyone, and then in the last five minutes of the show someone will get into a HUUUUGE fight and make it all worthwhile for watching. Although I swear I can feel my IQ dropping while watching the show.

I'm pissed that you're not talking to me right now. Thanks for appreciating all I've done.......that was sarcasm by the way.

F That

2007-03-14T23:52:00.000-04:00

Have you ever looked in the mirror and not recognized yourself? Sat there wondering who that person is and what they have become. That happened to me today. All I thought was, "I remember who I used to be, but what happened?" To be honest, I'm a little disappointed in myself. That I lost who I was.

I remember a time when I was actually a person I kind of liked. You know that question in those stupid e-mail surveys where they ask if you would be friends with yourself? I always think no, but then write maybe. I used to answer yes. I used to be able to make friends and not care what other people thought and just be friendly. I wonder when that went away. I feel like I'm socially inept and retarded...that I just don't get how it works anymore. I'm not too sure when I lost that...when I lost my self-confidence and the ability to believe that I was a good person.

It's gotten to a point where I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid that if I try I'll be rejected. Probably because I've been so blatantly rejected in the past. People just brush other people off and don't think about it for two seconds. They don't think about how that makes you feel. I do it too. We all do it. You engage in a conversation with someone and just forget about the other person standing there. Most of the time now I'm just the other person. And I don't know how that happened.

I hate to sound conceited, but I know I'm pretty. It's probably the only thing I know about myself for sure. I may not have the best body or be the smartest girl or have any special athletic ability, but I'm pretty. That's what I am. I hate to think that that's all I am or all I get to be. Do you ever notice that the girls who are attractive, but not outright pretty get to be fun and outgoing and quirky and loud...and if the pretty girls act that way they are labelled as conceited or bitchy or attention seeking? I have been told that I am attention seeking and egotistical before. It was a humiliating experience. But sometimes I wonder why I was told that? After all, the thing that I'm told most about myself is that I'm pretty, and I think I am. I don't think that's egotistical. I do not put other girls down to make myself feel better, or go around telling everyone that I think I'm amazing. But I toned it down. Maybe a bit too much.

And now it's not my looks that I am self-conscious about, like some girls. It's who I am. I've been told I can't be someone by somebody because I'm pretty. Or I'm told I'm pretty. I know, I sound so conceited right now, but it's just how I feel. I mean, I don't tell Melissa that she can't be funny or pretty because she's practically a genius. And nobody told Trish that she can't be a swimmer because she's interested in fashion. Not one person told Maria she couldn't be in a fashion show because she used to be a rower, or told Tina that she couldn't play volleyball or basketball because she liked to wear skirts. But apparently I can't be loud and outgoing because I'm 'pretty'. I think I might be just feeling sorry for myself right now because I am comparing myself to other girls who I feel that I should be like. That other people want me to be like.

I really just don't know anymore. I can't even think enough to really write a coherent blog. It's all, "Do you want me to be this?", "Is that what you want me to be like? Because I'm not her, and I never will be."

I don't WANT to be like her. And if you want me to be then you don't really know me at all. I am never going to be like her. So you need to get over it.

Ugh, glycogen phosphorylase

2007-03-12T15:04:00.000-04:00

Taking classes like Structure and Function of Biochemistry makes me wonder why I decided to major in a science. Seriously. Could the name be any more boring? No. Could the class be anymore boring? Definitely not. My midterm is in two and a half hours, and I'm halfway through the lecture notes for the third time. It is turning my brain to mush. Do I care that phosphorylation of serine-14 disrupts an interaction between basic amino acids at the N-terminus? Fuck no.

I have a fairly large bruise on my shin from where Tony kicked me this weekend. He was trying to distract me from studying (if I fail, I blame him) and we ended up getting in a kicking fight. Real mature, I know. Sadly I would much rather be kicked by my boyfriend than study biochemistry.

Poor Tony really got screwed over this weekend. I got dinner, flowers, TCBY, two girlie movies and a pair of his pajama pants. He got kicked. I almost feel kind of bad for taking his pants. ALMOST. I'm actually surprised he gave them up with so little of a fight. I think it's because he didn't want to hear me bitching for the next three weeks about how he wouldn't give me the pants. Because I SO would have been annoying and brought it up like every other conversation. I'm annoying and immature like that.

So Maria has proposed an all-day drunkfest on St. Patty's day. I have to say that I'm intrigued and wonder if I can possibly last all day drinking when sometimes I can't even last a few hours. My tolerance has sure gone down from those good ol' high school days where I could drink twice a weekend, every weekend and be fine. Now it's like one cooler and I'm flat on my ass. Ah well, at least I don't spend that much money. haha.

I'M GOING TO NEW YORK!!!! HAHA!!! BITCHES!!!!! I'm so freaking excited to go! Going for five days with my mom and other people. And we're going to see Mary Poppins of all things. Odd. Ah well. I'm just excited to go shopping and see the Statue Of Liberty.

My mom said that she'd buy me a new pair of jeans to replace the ones that my fat ass ripped. I have been advised in my previous blog comments (from Emily) to keep wearing the jeans. Which I may do. Although the hole is in a slightly scandalous spot, but not too noticeable. It would be a shame if I wore them and then all of a sudden my entire ass was exposed. Although slightly amusing. I am now paranoid that ALL of my pants have holes in them and spent like an hour obsessively checking all my pants. No joke.

Fuzzy peaches, red bull and cheetos should NOT be allowed. uuuuugh.

Ok, back to studying. I needed a break from phrases like, 'glycogen phosphorylase', 'phosphoserine-binding domains' and anything to do with the cell cycle.

2007-03-09T22:27:00.000-05:00

I realized today that I become emotionally attached to my clothes. I died a little inside today when I discovered that my favourite jeans EVER have a hole in them. That's right. A hole in my Sevens. My beautiful, wonderful, comfortable, ass-loving Sevens. Now I can see WHY there is a hole in them. I've worn them for about three times a week for the past two and a half years. They were finally perfectly molded to my ass and thighs and in the most awesome state of comfortableness ever. I may have to go and buy the exact same pair of jeans again. They are too wonderful to just give up. I should throw them in the garbage, but I just can't bring myself to do it. No lie. They are lying on my bed right now and I just don't have the heart to throw them out.

Makes me wonder if they just ripped because my ass loved them too much, or because my ass was too big.

So Delicious

2007-03-04T23:42:00.000-05:00

1) Had a pretty good time at Charity Ball last night! It was kind of fun to dress up and pretend to be civilized. Nice to have to try to look nice sometimes and look hot. I was jealous of Nicole's dress because it was super pretty and colourful and I was wearing boring old black. And she had these cool purple shoes. And now I want purple shoes. Thanks a lot Nicole.

2) I bought a pack of the fruit flavoured mentos and I'm eating the whole damn package. Ah well. They're fruity and tasty.

3) I just got over a bout of the intestinal flu (or that's what I think it was) and I lost four pounds and my stomach shrunk. I don't know if my stomach shrinking is a good or bad thing. I don't eat NEARLY as much, but I kind of WANT to eat more. But at the same time I'm kind of happy with my slightly thinner self. But I bet I won't be slightly thinner after polishing off this package of mentos, and my dinner of Swiss Chalet and Oreo Ice Cream Sandwiches.

4) I want to be on a beach. NOW.

5) I've started listening to the radio in the car in an attempt to become cooler. No joke. I'm tired of being like, "I love this song!" and people are like, "Jaime, this is from 2005." Even worse was when I was like, "This song is awesome, when did it come out?" and Trish was like, "ummm 1977 or something." I felt like a moron.

6) I seriously wish I could harness the curly/waviness of my hair, but I just can't seem to do it. Once in awhile (like once a month) I will leave it to dry naturally and it will go nicely wavy evenly over my hair, but most of the time it goes like half straight-half curly frizzy and weird. I hate it. And I have this weird thing with products where I can't use them because I'm hair product retarded. It's annoying as hell. If I try to use products to make my hair curly it comes out like crunchy and drowned-rat looking. I hate it.

7) Had Swiss Chalet with Steve tonight. It was pretty sweet. I haven't had the Swiss in a loooong time and haven't seen Steve in an even longer time. Since like....way before Christmas. It was good times. Even better were the Oreo Ice Cream sandwiches we had for dessert. You know...because apparently Swiss Chalet isn't enough for us. What can I say? We're hardcore.

8) Fergalicious is one of the worst songs ever. I am listening to it right now. It's awful. It seems like it drills into your brain and just stays there. All of that spelling. Oh man.

Sweet! A Dead Animal!

2007-02-28T22:11:00.000-05:00

Ok, so this idiot girl on America's Next Top Model got kicked off tonight...and all I can say is THANK GOD. Who the fuck doesn't know what anti-fur is? And apparently it's not ok to kill animals for fur, but it's alright to steal the fur off of their DEAD BACKS. You know, when they're all infested with bugs and dead and smelling.

What an idiot.

I am so thankful that I do not have to listen to her say, "I don't get it" for another twelve weeks of my life. Plus her hair was pretty hideous.

I'm SO over it.

2007-02-27T07:12:00.000-05:00

You know how you have your dream job and guy and house and kids and look into the future and can see yourself there and all happy. Maybe it's weird but I can never see that. Maybe it's because I don't have a dream job or house or kids, but I just can't see it. Everybody has that vision of the when their older and their either working or at home and they seem really happy, but I can't see it. It kind of seems like my life ends after University to me, when really it should be just beginning. Maybe it's because I have travel plans for the first month out of school and don't really have any plans for a job. And I haven't really started looking for a job either.

Ok, I don't want a job. I don't like working. There. I said it.

I just can't seem to think of a job (or career if you will) where I will be happy and find it interesting enough. I get BORED. It's like I'm interested in a lot of things, but nothing holds my attention long enough. But does being a housewife interest me? Not really.

If sitting at home for the past five and a half days has taught me anything it's that I get a feeling of being claustrophobic when I'm in one place and can't leave. I've been driven insane. Mind you I was so sick for the first two days I could barely walk up the stairs, but still, I'm ready to go. But not back to Guelph. Oh no. I don't want to go back there. Because then I have to go into the lab and study and be forced to think about how in a month and a half I will be forced into the real world, VERY much against my will.

And the snow is making me depressed. I was ready for spring. SO ready. Snow is so over. You know how Mother Nature likes to tease you, and give you those two or three days where it's warm enough to wear a vest and running shoes and you get all excited that it's warm and you think the snow is going to melt. And then the bitch turns around and has it snow for about two and a half days straight. F that.

I can't believe I'm up this early. Do you ever get that feeling where your body is tired and your eyes are tired, but your legs just do not want to sit still? It's like they need to go on a 10 km marathon or something. It's fucking annoying as hell. Anyways, that was happening to me allllll last night and it was driving me nuts. Poor Fluffy had to leave my warm, comfy, pillow-y bed because I wouldn't stop moving. I only slept for about 6 hours. This probably happened because for the past four days I've been in the recliner, then the couch, then my mom's bed, then back to the couch and haven't been walking around much because it made me throw up. That's right, too much movement made me nauseous as hell.

On a more positive note, all of this being lazy has made me find a new appreciation for our satellite dish and daytime talk shows. No joke. Well more specifically the Tyra Banks Show and the Ellen DeGeneres Show. They are pretty sweet. I love the Tyra show because it's Tyra man! She rocks! And she had this whole show about when the paparazzi took that picture and called her fat because she was 161 pounds at 5'10" or something like that, and that happens to be right around the weight she should be at! It was awesome. I was all like, "Go Tyra, It's your Birthday, shake your booty!" It's nice to know that there are some stars out there who aren't trying to be size 00 and encourage everybody to be a different size and shape. Because we are all different shapes.

Oh yah, and Ellen rocks too.

Ok, well I was just killing time until I could shower, and now I'm going to do so.

2007-02-15T22:23:00.000-05:00

I cried a lot during Grey's Anatomy tonight. I tend to get over emotional when I spend a lot of time by myself. And lately I've been spending a lot of time by myself.

I don't know whether it's by choice or if I've just been forgotten.

Or maybe I've finally pushed people away so much that they don't want me there anymore. It wouldn't surprise me. I get into my little routines. The more time I spend alone, the deeper into the routine I get. And the harder it is for me to get out of the routine.

Did you notice that I wasn't there?

Most of the time I don't want to be noticed. But sometimes I wish I was noticed more.

Ohhhh Pink Shoes!

2007-02-12T10:12:00.000-05:00

1) Nothing can make you feel better like going home. HOOOOMMMMEEEEE!!!!!! I hadn't been home in awhile, so I was super excited to go. All last week I felt like crap and was all mope-y and depressed, and then I went home and it was like magic! I felt all hyper and giggly and happy again. It's like I can get by for so long without going home and then I just can't make it anymore and have to see my Mommy, Daddy and kitties or I can't go on any longer. It's just a fact.

2) I have a major shopping problem. And my Mom is JUST as bad as I am. She has more t-shirts, capris and jewelry than me, but I probably have more shoes, jeans, purses and sweaters. When we go shopping together it is just bad news all around. I was only going to buy a sweatshirt at LuLu Lemon, and I walked out with a new pair of pants, a sweatshirt and a sportsbra, none of which I paid for. haha! And at H&M I was only going to buy this wickedly cool shirt, and then she made me try on a dress which is super pretty, and then forced me to buy it. So I did. Because she kept talking about all of these cool accessories that I could wear with it! It's a black and white flowered dress with an A-line skirt, and if I wear like a green belt with it and green accessories that would be cool, or a pink belt and buy these awesome pink shoes from Aldo. And she just kept talking and talking about how cool it would be, and then I kept thinking about how cool it would be, so I got the dress. But now I have to spend a fortune on accessories. Ah well.

3) She also made me buy this cute red polka-dot jacket thing. No clue where I'll wear it. But it's pretty awesome.

4) I am sooooooo super pissed about my cloning kit not being here yet. My entire research project has been stopped for like a week and a half because my stupid prof wouldn't order the kit himself and now I have to wait for the shipping and for them to call and I have no clue where to pick it up. It's really annoying me. Surprisingly enough I actually miss going into the lab.

5) My mom bought me this dress from American Eagle while she was on her cruise/in the States. I had originally bought the dress over Christmas holidays but returned it because it made me look like a lard ass. But I guess all the gym-ing I've been doing is paying off, because it looked totally hot this time around. And it's a pretty awesome colour too. I may have to wear it around over jeans because it looks so good. Not that I'm full of myself of anything.

6) I'm seriously tempted to buy these smokin' hot underwear from Jacob. But the matching underwear is a thong, and I'm not so much into thongs anymore. They kind of annoy me. But I really kind of want the bra, and you can't get the bra without matching underwear, otherwise it destroys the ambience. Plus they might look totally hot for Valentine's Day.

7) I ate so much chocolate this weekend. It was awesome.

8) When I was home I took a whole bunch of pictures of my cats because I realized I had like no pictures of them. Fluffy was getting kind of pissed off about the flash and Thai always looks absolutely petrified in the photos. There is this one funny one where Fluffy looks like she's drunk and falling over, but really she's just coming out of a good stretch.

EWWWWWWWWWWW.

2007-02-09T14:44:00.000-05:00

I just did something nobody should EVER have to do. I rinsed out a bathtub full of my disgusting, annoying, skankwhore roommates PUBIC HAIR.

Next time she asks if she's offended me I'll just be like, "You know what offends me? PUBIC HAIR YOU SKANKY BITCH". And then calmly slap her in the face.

Get some respect.

2007-02-08T19:13:00.000-05:00

I was ambushed earlier this evening. My roommate verbally attacked me out of nowhere. I may not be the most friendly person to live with, but that's because I'M NOT HER FRIEND. To me she is just some random girl who moved into the room in our house.

Melissa and I were excitedly tearing open our Victoria's Secret package earlier this evening when Claire came home. When she came in the house she said "Hi" to both of us, and we both said "Hi" back. She then proceeded to stand in the hallway and stare at me and then said, "Why don't you look at me when I'm saying hello to you Jaime?" I was like, "ummm, I'm opening up my package that we've been waiting like two weeks for. Sorry." She then left the room only to come storming back in yelling, "Did I do something to offend you? Because you act like I've offended you in some way, when you've actually offended me." I was like, "um, no." Then she's all like, "Well we have to live together for the next three months. " I was like, "ok, so?" She's like, "so I haven't offended you at all? Funny because you act like I have."

I chose not to respond.

Then she fires back with, "So I guess you're just an unfriendly person then right."

I was absolutely flabbergasted. Who the FUCK does she think she is? She doesn't know a god damn thing about me!

Melissa was like, "THAT was offensive Claire."

Then Claire just walked out of the room.

I don't know what was up her ugly fat ass, but if she has a problem with me she can talk to me about it in PRIVACY. How ignorant is it to talk about something like that with someone else in the room? But now I can think of a list about 30 items long of things that she's done to offend me.

SORRY that I gave you a ride to school every morning, I won't be making that mistake again. I don't give a shit about your pathetic love life with your disgusting boyfriend who's old enough to be your father. I don't care if you don't have any money or you have to drop your class or your mother is a lesbian. You know why I don't care? YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND.

I am polite to you and put up with your annoying habits. I don't say anything because we live together and I didn't want there to be tension. TOO LATE FOR THAT!

God, you're so fucking annoying. I will be so glad when I never have to see you EVER again.

Oh the humanity!!!!

2007-02-06T14:51:00.000-05:00

So, I finally started working out with a personal trainer (her name is Megan, she's pretty cool) and she's kicking my ass. Like I literally had trouble moving my body on Sunday. Tony knows. I wouldn't shut up about it and made him give me a massage. I don't think he was impressed. She kicked my ass again today. We'll see if I can bend my legs tomorrow.

Our house is broken. It's broken and dying and really it's kind of sad. There are approximately six holes in our bathroom wall, broken drywall crumbles all over the floor and a sad little glass container catching the leak drips from the kitchen sink. The plumber is here right now and it's kind of annoying because he makes a looooot of noise. I'd almost him rather leave the holes. I have kind of grown fond of them.

In other news my mom got back from her cruise on Sunday and she has finally discovered how to text message on her new shiny red cell phone. So she text messaged me about eight times on Sunday telling me how she's back and how she bought me presents. And then to really annoy me she wouldn't tell me what the presents were. Not even a damn hint. It better be sparkly and shiny and wearable. And maybe some clothes too. I'm going home on Saturday to find out what she got me, and possibly get her to take me to LuLu Lemon to buy me stuff that is from my 'grandma'. Meaning it's her money but has no clue that she buys me presents all the time. Also going to make my mom take me to see Because I Said So. It looks amazingly like a chick flick...and I LOOOOOVE chick flicks.

I went a little crazy with the digital camera the other day. What can I say? I looked totally smokin'.

2007-02-05T12:08:00.000-05:00

It is you and her...and then me.

I get it, I'm the outsider.

I don't know anything about you anymore.

I don't know you.

I'm on the outside looking in. And I'm so far gone I can't even see the window.

She takes every opportunity to remind me of what I don't know or have.

I've Got A Fever Of One Hundred And Two

2007-01-31T23:36:00.000-05:00

Alright. That is IT. I've pretty much had it up to here with everything. I am fucking SICK of it. The world is so FRUSTRATING and I just want to hit people on the head. Are they mentally challenged? Just phenominally STUPID? Or are they playing dumb....because they're doing a DAMN good job of it.

It hit me today that the human race has stopped evolving. We are now regressing into nothingness. We are going to destroy ourselves. The stupidity of most people absolutely astounds me. There is no common sense involved in most people's thought processes, they just act and then react. Blame other people for their actions. The government protects the stupid people and the criminals while the rest of us get screwed.

I hear stories about people spilling hot coffee on themselves and obviously burning themselves. And they sue the fucking company for millions of dollars and win because the cup didn't say it was hot. IT'S FUCKING COFFEE! If it was COLD then I'm sure you'd complain about that! But "OHHHHH It's too freaking HOT, I'm a complete idiot and dumped coffee all over my hands, so I'd better blame anyone except for me and my clumsiness"

Sorry, I guess I'm just a little bitter today.

Another one that gets me is the woman who is going around trying to get Harry Potter books banned from libraries, schools, stores, etc because they apparently promote witchcraft, sorcery and wicca. HELLO?! Have you ever bothered to even READ a book? EVER? Let alone a masterpiece like Harry Potter. Are you too stupid to try and experience something before trying to get everybody conforming to YOUR opinions? I don't believe in the catholic church, do you see me going up to priests and ministers and trying to get them to denounce the church and run amok with me? I think not. It's like saying that you hate tomatoes when you've never tried them. I have met tonnes of people who have read and thoroughly enjoyed the Harry Potter series and not ONE of them has attempted to convert to Wicca. Has this woman ever stopped to consider the hundreds...possibly thousands of children who now read and ENJOY it because of these books? Probably not. If I ever see her in person I am going to kick her in the damn shin, because she deserves it.

People can be so blind. They want to see something, so they see it, and don't even consider ANY other possibilities. I'm not saying that I'm not like this. Hell yes I'm prejudice towards some things, but that doesn't mean I won't listen to what you have to say. I am just sick and tired of people doing whatever the fuck they want with absolutely no consequences, and then the rest of society has to pick up the pieces.

I think the real problem is that there is almost no more natural selection. If a kid was dumb enough to swallow seven pieces of Lego in 1950 (or whatever the hell toys they had back then) thennnnnn they might die, or they might live. But they learned a lesson....eating Lego provides for a lot of discomfort or death. Nowadays if this happened, the dumb kid would get surgery, his parents would reassure him that it's not his fault and they'd sue the Lego company for not putting "Do not let child eat" right on the front of the box in big bold letters. When REALLY it's the parents fault for not watching or apparently feeding their children, and the child's fault for being so fucking stupid.

We need to bring back natural selection.

An Account Of Our Weekend Experiencing The Frigid North

2007-01-30T08:41:00.000-05:00

So this past weekend seven of us dragged our lazy asses up to Tony's cottage in Huntsville. It was quite the adventure I must say. At one point I didn't think we were going to make it...but we somehow pulled through.

Nah, I'm just kidding. We had an awesome weekend filled with many fun adventures. I was asked to write a blog about these adventures, so I may as well because I really don't feel like doing work.

Getting up there on Friday was pretty awesome because it included a stop at Wendy's. My idiot roommate who accompanied us up (just kidding Melissa! I heart you!), got a frosty of all things. Apparently she didn't know that there were toppings now. *Side Note: If you did not know that you can now get toppings for Frosty's (M&M's, OREO, etc) then go to a Wendy's immediately and purchase one.*

The REAL adventure began when we finally got to the cottage after three and a half hours of stimulating conversation in the van. And discovered that the pipes were frozen. Oh yes, frozen. Now as we were also frozen (it was -25 outside AND inside the cottage) so this wasn't a big concern to us yet. As we believed that as we defrosted, so would the pipes. However, this was not the case. If the sinks in the kitchen drained, then the bathtub filled up, and if we flushed the toilet upstairs, the toilet downstairs would overflow. It was a mess. We quickly realized that even though we had running water, not one of us would be lucky enough to even think about using a toilet over the course of the weekend. Now, I'm not going to lie, I may have panicked a bit at the thought of peeing in the snow all weekend. I mean, HELLO! Snow is cold, and exposing that particular part of my body to the frigid elements was NOT my idea of a good time. Apparently this is where people thought I would bail and make everybody go home. But really guys, I'm not that big of a princess.

So anyways, we had running water...it just didn't have anywhere to run to. So we spent the entire weekend peeing outside in the snowpiles around the barn. It was kind of amusing how we all held it until the very last minute and then went on little pee adventures together. Our first trip was the best, seeing as we're all a little shy and nervous about peeing in a group on a snowbank in the middle of the frigid north. But we got through it with some humour, as shown in the picture below. Three cooches to the wind.

And eventually by the end of the trip we didn't even really notice that we were peeing outside, until it became daylight. The one panic attack we all had was: "How the hell are we going to.....well, you know......go number 2???" Because this is where I draw the line. There was no way in hell I was taking a "Crap Trip" out to our trust yellow snow pile. So we took a Crap Adventure to the Tim Horton's in Huntsville. Those poor poor people who frequented the bathroom after us must have had quite the experience.

The first night of the trip was spent in extreme drunkenness, watching multiple movies, stealing each others electric blankets and playing some sort of trivia game. Even Trish polished off half a bottle of the Wild Vines she brought up! That's my girl!

Poor Ryan was drunk off of seven beers. I have no idea how that happened, but that guys A TANK! Not really though. I hope you sensed extreme sarcasm in that previous comment. So the first half of the next he spent incapacitated. But he pulled it together for our playing in the snow. Oh, and did we EVER play in the snow!

At first we began our quest to build a snowfort. But this dream was quickly squashed when we realized it wasn't packing snow, and we'd probably have to shovel snow on a pile for about ten more hours before we got the right amount. So we attempted to toboggan down the back hill (a very small hill, but it was pretty sweet) on a cardboard box...which then escalated to a plastic bag...which then escalated to jumping over a picnic table. Well I seem to have missed a few steps of our tobogganing evolution in there, but you get the idea. Ryan joined in and began the trend of tobogganing while standing up. Might I take the time right now to say that the toboggan was one of those old wood ones, and I was pretty sure it was going to give up and die at any moment. But alas, it pulled through with the help of a hammer.

So anyways, the three boys had the "genius" idea to build a ramp using a picnic table. Now might I remind you that this snow isn't packing snow, so when they had a pile of snow before they went right through it. So the idea of building a ramp of snow up a picnic table and down the other side didn't seem to brilliant to me. I believe the words I used were, "phenominally stupid". But somehow they managed to make it work. And apparently it was quite the ride.

As you can see the jump managed to pull through, apparently because of Ryan's angulation skills on the ramp. The highlight was when the three of them went down together, and I was pretty sure that Robby was going to be decapitated by the picnic table. They managed to make it halfway over the picnic table before falling off sideways. If there was a way to put the video up, I would somehow do it.

The night was a blur of macaroni and cheese (my hand hurt from grating *tear*), naps, Taboo, more playing in the snow, spaghetti and finally falling asleep at the late time of 12:30. Hey! playing in the snow takes a lot out of you!

All in all, it was a pretty awesome weekend and we should all do it again....tomorrow. Even if the pipes are still frozen!!!!

Love you all!!!!

McDreamy, McSteamy, McVet....and McBaldy

2007-01-25T22:02:00.000-05:00

a) I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo super excited for the cottage this weekend!!! It's going to be awesome! I am excited to relax and have fun and drink and spend time with friends!

b) Grey's Anatomy is the bestest show EVER. Tonight's episode was absolutely amazing. I don't care if the show is 'predictable' or has a 'soap opera - like' plot, it is awesome and if you don't realize that then you're a tool. Proposals flying left and right, the race for Chief, Kirev dissing Addison, Bailey opening the clinic, Amish people being shunned....oh it's amazing. On a side note: I didn't know people were actually shunned in today's society. Cool.

Best episode EVER was on tonight. If you missed it, you should be shunned.

c) I finally own my own digital camera. It's a miracle. And also a scary scary thing. See I LOVE to take pictures. I steal my friends cameras and take HUNDREDS of pictures. The fact that I now can take pictures all the time is definitely kind of scary. I am very excited to use my camera at the cottage. People are going to want to kill me.

Please take the camera away.

d) On Tuesday night I accidentally got drunk off of TWO pints. TWO! That's it! I remember the days when I used to drink a mickey in a night and be fine. A little buzzed, but all-around alright. I've only puked three times EVER from alcohol. And now all of a sudden I am getting drunk off of two pints! When the hell did I become such a lightweight?! Maybe it's because I no longer drink my face off every weekend. On a side note: that last picture is from Tuesday night after the pint incident in the bathroom of the mall that Melissa and I snuck into. We're rebels. What can I say.

e) I'm starting to feel old. And a little freaked out about growing up. I'm turning 23 in five months and twenty-nine days. (Yes I may have counted.) I am planning on going to Cancun with Melissa in April, and hoping to travel to Europe for an extended period of time with Shanan or by myself....and yet I do not like to think of myself as grown up. Even though that's what I am, a grown-up. I hate that word. It makes me think of old ladies who yell at children in restaurants while wearing lipstick outside their lip lines. I hope I never wear lipstick like that.

f) Just because Andrea put on facebook that she hates blogs I have to write that she's a huge huge huge bitch.

HUGE.

But it's awesome.

g) I want to get a personal trainer. But I am afraid of three things; 1) I will be broke afterwards, 2) They will laugh at me while I am attempting to work out, 3) I will get McBaldy. That's right, McBaldy. Melissa and I nicknamed a personal trainer at our gym McBaldy because he macks up all the young hot girls at the gym. He calls me Buttercup. Might I add that this guy is at LEAST 32, has a shaved/bald head (hence the 'Baldy' part of 'McBaldy') and talks about drinking like he's 17 again.

h) Everyone needs to go to East Side Mario's immediately and order the Chocolate Peanut Butter Stack dessert. At least I think that's what it's called. It's amazingly delicious.

Proactiv Is The One For You!

2007-01-21T22:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Aaron and Nick Carter,

You should not be making a reality show. Your careers are O-V-E-R. Accept it. Aaron, I don't think you ever really had a career to begin with. I am 99% sure that both of you are mentally challenged and the most idiotic people on television.

Oh, and you're both hideously ugly. Get some acne products. Immediately.

Love,
Me

Dear Roommate,

You really really annoy me. I wish you would just be quiet for like, five minutes. No, I do not know what is going on in the show because I started watching it at the same time as you. I am not a secret TV psychic and do not know all the innerworkings of EVERY TV show on right now. Maybe if you shut up and listened then you'd know what is going on. Also, your boyfriend is way too old for you. It's fucking creepy.

Oh, and your room smells kinda funny. Maybe you should take care of that.

Love,
Me

Dear Evil Spawn,

Please stop putting my best friend in an awkward position of making her choose between us. You broke up with me. Clearly she will pick me. Sorry, but she's not really your friend, just a work acquaintance. But you can continue sucking up to her because it really amuses us.

Love,
Me

Dear PostSecret,

You are amazing in every way. And I love you.

Love,
Me

Dear Julie,

I sincerely hope that you can pull through and get better. My thoughts are with you.

Jaime

p.s. Sorry for stealing your little "Dear *insert name here*" thing Emily. But I love it!

And I Get Two Thumbs Up!

2007-01-18T00:31:00.000-05:00

When I sat down to write a blog, I was planning on bitching about the fact that my research advisor is 'advising' me to start my entire project over again. But shit happens. I'll deal. Who cares if the last three months of research are being erased? This is an opportunity some would kill for.

As I sit here in my green striped bathrobe and my wet hair wrapped up in a towel I feel determined. I am determined not to let my parents down, or Trish and Melissa, or my other friends who expect friendship and trust from me, or Tony, or myself. Especially not myself. I may have high expectations of myself, but I think it's because I know that deep down, I can do it. I'm just too lazy to put in the work. I don't have enough internal motivation or self-control to reach those goals. It's because I am afraid of failing. And I couldn't bear to let myself down.

Surprisingly I have kept most of my resolutions so far. I'm going into the lab more (not that it's helping my project, but STILL, it's gotta count for something!), going to the gym about four times a week, limiting my carb and fat intakes (until my Daddy's stew....oh stew, how I love you), sleeping more...poor Tony got stuck with me for two nights because I was too lazy to leave his bed. Except to eat. So, so far this year I am proud of myself.

I hope that doesn't change.

There's Always Room For...J-E-L-L-O.

2007-01-14T15:32:00.000-05:00

1) I am hungover. And it sucks like hell. I would gladly choose decapitation if it meant not having this pounding in my head. It's not the steady kind where you can kind of rely on it and get used to it. It's the random kind where if you move your head in a certain way it feels like you're brain is going to explode. Also, I probably should not have eaten that jell-o.

2) Melissa's grandma called today. It makes me realize how old my own grandma is when I realize she doesn't even know how to work a phone anymore except to call my mom. She's turning 94 in May. I've always wondered why she and my grandpa waited so long to have children. Both of my grandparents were much older than normal when they started having children, which is why they were so old compared to other grandparents. I only have my grandma left now, which makes me sad. She can't even remember my name sometimes. I hope I never get like that.

3) I took a longevity test. It said I would live to be 95. I hope that's not true. The good do die young after all.

4) It's snowing!!!! We might get to build a snow fort in our backyard afterall! It has been our dream since we moved in here!

5) It made me really happy to spend some time with Maria last night and this week. It really makes me sad that our friendship has deteriorated so far and we hardly ever see each other anymore. I hope we can figure out a way to make it work.

6) I am sooooooooo watching the 5 hour version of Pride and Prejudice.

7) Just once I wish you'd put me before your friends. It hurts to know that I come in second.

8) I have a calendar that has a different kitten on each day. It's supposed to curb my want for a kitten of my own. But really it just makes me want a kitty more. They're so cute and fluffy. I want them all. I'm not allowed to go to the Humane Society anymore because I will try to convince my mom to get every single kitty and cry when she won't let me. I hate to see them locked up. It breaks my heart.

9) I am absolutely petrified of graduating. I don't give a shit if it's the "next big adventure" or whatever. I don't want to. I don't want to have to look for health insurance (my dad's won't cover me if I'm not a student), pay for my own gas or car insurance, find my own apartment and definitely don't want to have to find a job or do my masters. If you tell me to get over it and just do it, I may punch you in the face. Just let me wallow for a week or so, and I'll get over it myself.

10) It pisses me off when people take stuff for granted. And by stuff I mean anything...life, education, people, relationships, friends, parents, food, water, health, opportunities. And it pisses me off even more when they bitch about it....SHUT THE HELL UP! You have no idea how lucky you are and how many people would kill to have friends, parents or a life like yours. And you just throw it all away. I know I have been guilty of taking my education for granted. I went to a pretty well established private school and got into university without any trouble. I want that same opportunity for my kids.

11) The way people drive these days makes me want to scream. Slow the fuck down and say thank you when someone lets you in. It's called common courtesy and clearly your trailer trash mother didn't teach you that. Get some manners.

12) The "Magic Eraser" by Mr. Clean freaks me out. Where the hell did that thing come from? I could scrub my bathtub ALL day with anything else and it wouldn't get the grim off, but that makes it comes off in like....two seconds. It's totally awesome and works like a charm. But nothing comes out of it, like no dirt or cleaning fluid or anything. Where does the dirt go? How does it get the grim off and not Vim? Why aren't they making all cleaning products out of this material?

2007-01-10T22:19:00.000-05:00

At the gym tonight some boys made fun of the amount of weight I was lifting. I was lifting 25 pounds on the biceps machine. Yah, that may not sound or feel like a lot to YOU, but to me it is quite adequate thank you very much. Way to prove that your SO much tougher than a girl that is half your height macho man. Such a tough guy. So I purposely made fun of him to Melissa where he could over hear me. Not very mature I know, but it made me feel better. Who makes fun of how much a person works out with anyways? I don't go to the gym to listen about how you can lift more than a girl dumb ass. At least I got my ass to the gym, you scrawny, ugly, zit-faced punk. I could probably kick your ass.

And if I couldn't...well let me introduce you to my boyfriend.

Jack ass.

Genetic Engineering = Awesomeness

2007-01-09T23:29:00.000-05:00

1) I got bored in my first class on the first day of school. This CAN'T be a good sign.

2) I miss my kitty. Maybe I will catnap her and bring her up here. She could teach that damn Austin a lesson. He does have QUITE the attitude problem.

Austin the Devil Cat (i.e. Evil Spawn)

Fluffy, my precious baby kitty.

3) I am addicted to tic tac's. Somebody take them away from me. I may have minty fresh breath, but with each handful...I die a little inside.

4) I've had a headache for two days now. It blows.

I blame the tic tac's.

5) In the absence of my cat and my boyfriend I have begun sleeping with four stuffed animals. I am slowly regressing. But I love my turtle! And my penguins...and my teddy bear! I fear I will hurt their feelings if I leave one of them out!

6) Starting a semi-low carb diet tomorrow. Wish me luck.

7) I just saw Brad Pitt on Friends. He is too beautiful to be naturally created. I suspect genetic engineering came into play.

8) I went to the gym for the first time in a LOOOONG time. It felt amazing. Remind me to do it again sometime.

9) As a reward for losing weight I am going to buy myself a bikini. Let's hope I ACTUALLY lose weight. Otherwise I feel sorry for the bikini.

10) Seriously, take away the tic tac's.

You: On A Diet

2007-01-07T13:04:00.000-05:00

So far not doing so well on the resolution to not obsess about my weight. It's been SEVEN DAYS! And already I have broken a promise to myself. I want to start the South Beach Diet again. Last time I tried I failed because eating protein non-stop made me feel nauseous and hungry ALL the time. So this time I think I might eat carbs for lunch, but not "bad" carbs, "good" carbs. Whatever those are. Try to find some way that this diet will work for me. Because even when I cheated I still lost about 9 pounds, which is approximately my goal weight. I figure getting my ass to the gym will help too. I just want to look hot in a bikini for the trip I'm taking to Cancun with Melissa. All I want is to look in a mirror once and think, "damn, not bad".

Just once.

Possibly the most random post EVER.

2007-01-04T23:34:00.000-05:00

For some reason I have been sprouting tumour-like zits/pimples all over my face for the past two weeks. I am wondering why my skin is punishing me. Is it the excess/inhuman amounts of chocolate, candy and sugar I have been consuming? The ridiculously small amount of water I have been drinking? Usually I only breakout when I'm stressed. Is it possible to be stressed when you spend two days straight sitting watching Gilmore Girls? Because I'm pretty sure that's not possible. There is one on the side of my head right now that's really bugging me because it's one of those ones that hurts like hell whenever you scratch within a foot of it. Who doesn't scratch their face? I don't know. I know you're probably grossed out by this, but I really want to know what kind of grudge my skin is holding against me. It's not fair. I treat it right, moisturize it, pamper it, exfoiliate. I'm a good host damn it. This is how it repays me. Fine. Be that way, I get it. Next time there is NO coconut moisturizing mask for you. HA.

My cat has been sitting and starring at me for the past half an hour. He will jump on my lap, lick my arm, purr a little and then jump down and stare. Maybe chew on some plastic bags. Which drives me nuts. I give him a "Beef Feast" (which looks incredibly disgusting, and smells even worse) and he chooses to chew on freaking plastic. Ungrateful little jerk. Next time he will NOT be getting Fancy Feast. It's a good thing he's so damn cute and fuzzy and soft, otherwise I'd let him keep chewing on the plastic bags.

Behold the ungrateful beast himself.

The conclusion of this post: I've been watching too much Gilmore Girls. Somebody needs to rescue me.

And possibly get me a skin transplant.

Holy Shit, It's 2007!

2007-01-02T13:58:00.000-05:00

On the way home today from Aurora, I realized something...it's 2007. Holy fuck! It only took me TWO days to realize this. It always takes awhile for stuff like this to sink in. Like on December 28th I realized that Christmas was actually over. I am slow like that.

New Years was a vortex of classiness. That's right, a fucking vortex. The amount of Bambino consumed was incredible and the drunken-ness that ensued from this consumption of sparkling wine was quite impressive. I wish I could explain what was going on in the picture above, but honestly I have no clue. Apparently I am pissed and wish to strangle poor Headly, while Ryan Bonnar looks on with quite a lot of amusement. However, this pic pretty much reflects the crazy drunken-ness that went on that night.

I am not going to lie, I did not expect to have fun on New Years. I hate going to Toronto, I hate getting dressed up and I was pretty sure that everyone I was going with hated me, with the obvious exception of my boyfriend and Bonnar. Surprisingly I had an awesome time, and I don't think that anybody hates me anymore. With the exception of the guy that I punched in the face. The level of classiness that we exuded was ridiculous and I'm pretty sure that everybody was jealous of our limo.

New Years Resolutions 2007:

1) Make more time to visit my parents

2) Try to have more patience, with everyone

3) Do not obsess with my weight

4) Stop caring about what other people think of me

5) Read more

6) Be as healthy as possible without depriving myself

7) Sleep more

8) TRY not to procrastinate, but if I do (which I will) then I will not berate myself for it

9) Go into the lab more

10) Spend more time going out with Melissa b/c it's our last semester living together *tear*

11) Never drink that much sparkling wine again while wearing Spanx

12) Try not to rush into 'adulthood'. I have tonnes of time to be an adult, but not that much time to just have fun

13) Spend more time with Tony. Seeing each other once a week isn't enough

14) Attempt to be more social and not a hermit. This one will be the most difficult

15) Save money. I am going to need it when I am forced to live in the world by myself

16) Don't lose touch with old friends

17) Don't be jealous, just be happy

18) Attempt to care about school. This isn't just an education anymore...it's my life

19) Try to stop talking behind people's backs. Even though it is a good way to get out any anger or frustration it just promotes any negative feelings towards them. You should just try and talk to them about it and work it out

20) Figure out what makes me happy. And never stop doing it.

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYBODY!!!

Just Some Random Shize...

2006-12-23T01:42:00.000-05:00

1. I get super excited when ever anyone wishes me Merry Christmas, instead of Happy Holidays. It's like this bubbly feeling that starts in my stomach and just spreads everywhere and I can't help but smile. It's almost here!

2. I get way more excited for Christmas Eve. It's SO much better than Christmas Day.

3. I have to wear a dress on New Years. I fucking HATE wearing dresses, they look like shit on me. Where the hell am I going to find a dress?

4. I can't wait for meatballs and brandy nut brie on Christmas Eve. Maybe throw in a martini or two....or ten.

5. My uncle pisses me off, he's such a douchebag.

6. One of my parents' friends' son just got engaged last week. He's getting married on July 20th, 2007. He's three months younger than me and has only been dating the girl for a year and a half...sometimes I wonder what is happening to us. Are we growing up? It pisses me off that people rush into something as important and sacred as marriage. It isn't a game anymore. It shouldn't be, "Well if it works, great, but if it doesn't there's always divorce." I think a lot of people just want the wedding to be honest, and then realize afterwards that it's FOREVER. Now a wedding is nice (who doesn't love dancing and alcohol and celebrating eternal love), but you have to be prepared for the consequences and can't give up if you hit a bump in the road. No wonder divorce rates are so high. I hate our society.

7. The Millie's Christmas Dinner Party was tonight. Someone hosts the party and cooks a full turkey dinner (gravy and all bitches!) and we all get dressed up and pretend we're 40 while drinking 9 bottles of wine between 10 of us. It rocks. Somehow the conversation always turns to our sex-capades, high school adventures and any embarassing story EVER.

8. I get extremely nervous about giving gifts when people won't tell me what they want. I'm a horrible gift giver, I second guess myself on EVERY purchase and am completely convinced that everybody is going to hate their gift. Gift receipts are my saviour.

9. I love wearing leggings with a skirt or dress because I can cross my legs while sitting down and not worry about flashing everyone.

10. I don't understand you at all sometimes. Why can't you try and see it from my point of view and try to understand? Why is there this double standard? Sometimes you hurt me more than you know.

11. Money is an extremely powerful motivator for me. I do not live my life around money, nor would I do something just because the money's good, but after working this past week I've realized that I value money and the lifestyle it can give me. I use it to feel secure and have a safety net. I am a money-grubbing whore.

12. My grandma is M-E-A-N. But as mad as she makes me all I can do is pity her. She isn't living anymore, she's just existing.

13. I JUST unpacked from coming home. I have WAY too much stuff. I need to do a purge of my closet and dresser, but for some reason I get emotionally attached to clothes and can't throw them away. I have problems.

14. I am going to Tiffany's tomorrow. Even though I don't wear jewelry (just earrings and the occasional ring or necklace) I LOOOOVE looking in good jewelry stores. It makes me wish I wore jewelry or had lots of sparkly things. Shanan and I are going to look at engagements rings and pick ours out....a girl can dream.

15. It's incredible how LOUD all of my high school friends are. It makes me feel like I'm not alone out there....because I'm 'naturally' loud. Yeah. Right.

Amusing Daily Moment

2006-12-19T21:13:00.000-05:00

Shanti (English with Sri Lankan accent): "Well they say he got a promotion but I think he got fired. Wow, that woman's hair looks terrible."

(Woman with bad hair looks mildly embarassed.)

Rose (our boss): "Shanti what did you just say about our vice-president?"

Shanti: "Oh my god! You can understand me? Was I speaking in English again?"

Sadly this was the most amusing moment in my day.

The Word Of The Day

2006-12-18T22:05:00.000-05:00

I am slowly becoming like my counting machine...dull, robotic and empty-headed...with the occasional screw-up. At work my mind just drifts into nothingness...my brain turns to mush. I often find myself planning my lunch break that is two days away just so that I have something to look forward too...pathetic I know.

Today, for an hour and a half I contemplated why a swear word is a swear word. Why do people think 'fuck' is a bad word and not...'apple' for instance. There is no reason why one word is worse than another. I bet that somewhere along the line somebody just decided to bestow the honour of 'fuck' being a bad word for shigiggles (shits and giggles) and see how everybody reacted. Worked out quite well don't you think. You might say that 'fuck' is a bad word because it sounds vulgar...but this is not so. We were raised to think that it is not a proper word for a proper young lady and therefore it is conditioned to sound vulgar to us. One day I am going to decide that a common word like "pen", "chair", "bag" or "glass" is a bad word...what would people do then. Why do we have 'acceptable' alternatives for the word 'fuck'? Sometimes I just don't understand.

Somebody save me from myself. The fluroescent lights and counting machines (which will soon be my soulmates...as I am turning into one of them) are frying my brain.

Do other people have thoughts like this? Or should I just give up hope now.

Do I Know You? Because You May Know Me...

2006-12-14T22:36:00.000-05:00

I always forget my positive attributes.

I don't have any problem noticing and remembering anything negative about myself. But I always find myself surprised whenever somebody pays me a compliment or says something nice about me. Always. Now that I think about it, I find it rather sad. I should be able to think of at least four things about myself that I like. And I can't.

The summer between grades 11 and 12 I went on a month-long trip to England. I did my OAC English credit over there and basically had one of the best times of my life. My teacher over there was inspired to write us (her Millie's class) good-bye notes after I hugged her at dinner on the last night. In it she wrote that she learned from me. I just found this note this afternoon, and I found it amazing that anybody could learn ANYTHING from me. What she wrote touched me and I was startled to realize that they may be true. I need to stop surprising myself.

The things she learned from me:

1) You can never have too many jean skirts. (A rule which I still live by.)

2) Let all the joy inside you bubble out and infect everyone around you. (Do I really infect people?)

3) Smile frequently to show people how beautiful you are. (Didn't have orthodontics since grade two for nothing!)

4) Crying in public is perfectly O.K. (*ahem* yes I may still cry frequently...and in public.)

Why do I need people who are almost strangers to point out good qualities in myself?

A Healthy Level of Insanity

2006-12-05T17:26:00.000-05:00

Well, it's exam time again, and for all those on the brink of insanity here are some ideas to just push you over the edge.

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries With That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favours"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water Whenever You Go Out To Eat...With A Serious Face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-Through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along...At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM Scream, "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo Start Running Towards The Parking Lot Yelling, "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. When reading a fortune cookie end it with "in bed".

As you can see, I've already obtained that level of insanity you are all aspiring to reach. I wish you the best of luck.

Hello....God?

2006-11-27T18:27:00.000-05:00

I'm losing perspective.
I can't see clearly anymore.
It's all hazy.
How can I see through the fog and find my way?

I've forgotten which way I want to go.
I'm lost and I can't remember.
Why did I choose this path?
God, help me find my way.

2006-11-22T22:54:00.000-05:00

I finally cracked under the pressure today. I cried.

For the first time this semester I cried because of the pressure from school.

For the first time I am beginning to believe that I can't handle it.

Hey It's OK...

2006-11-19T12:59:00.000-05:00

The thing I love most about the magazine Glamour is the page "Hey It's Ok...". I always find something on that page that sometimes I feel guilty about, but it's ok to do. So I present to you, the list of things that you may feel guilty or bad about....but really, it's ok.

Hey, it's OK...

to love candy-canes, mushy Christmas movies and all that other shamelessly seasonal stuff

if you're usually the one who goes in first for a hug

never to have spent the night in a hostel, a tent or an older man's bed. No one ever said you had to be worldly to be happy.

to read three horoscopes, but only one newspaper

to know 100 stress-reduction techniques but still think that slamming the door beats them all

not to go outside all weekend. The world WILL go on without you

not to have settled on a hair colour yet. You've got the rest of your life to sort it out

to hold on to a bunch of bad habits

to get genuinely depressed when your favourite team loses

to consider riding on a swing a form of cardio

to be terrified of spiders. Save your fearlessness for the stuff that matters

to choose the colour before the car model

to want your mom when the going gets tough

if you can't help checking yourself out in all semi-reflective surfaces (cabs, windows, shiny office buildings, ponds)

to argue with him on the first date

to want sex more often than he does. MUCH more often

to turn down the more prestigious job you 'should' take and keep the one you love

if you do not, in fact, want to be the next Martha

to walk by a full-length mirror and think, "hot!"

to find it hard to tell your best friend how much you love her

if you could care less about thread count

to use a different voice when you talk to your pets. That said, very few other humans should EVER hear this voice

if you're one of those people who actually like the holidays. When did we all get so cynical, anyways?

to have a healthy fear of eyelash curlers

to cry in public

to only really look at the pictures that you're in

to know, and tell the whole world EXACTLY what you want for the holidays

not to get it right on the first, second, third or even fourth try

to block out a day to do absolutely nothing, with absolutely no one. It's like deep conditioning for the soul

if you don't tell anyone that the flowers you got are from your mom

to give up on the wine list and just order a beer

to quit worrying about the last five pounds. No one else knows that they exist

not to delete your ex from your cell phone. Just for now

not to argue when someone offers to pick up the check

if you run out of good advice. Most of the time people just want you to listen anyways

to do that annoying Bridget Jones thing and watch him sleep. Just don't get caught, it is a little creepy

to get a secret thrill when you see a celebrity with frown lines

to have some of your deepest, most heartfelt conversations with your dog

not to share your dessert

to pick your doctor because a) he's good, and b) he looks a little like Patrick Dempsey

not to know exactly why you're crying

if you prefer sex with the lights off. You can be proud of your body and still like doing it in the dark

to stop trying to figure out what he meant and just ask

to read his horoscope before yours

not to be a skim milk, dressing on the side, hold the bacon kind of girl

if the only place you've ever had sex is a bedroom

if you're not a cat person...OR a dog person

to get kind of pissed at him for something he did to you in a dream

to be completely truthful about how someone's butt looks in their jeans

not to tell him that you stopped being mad an hour ago

if you're never going to be one of those women who saunter happily around the gym locker room naked

if you're still not sure what your best colour is

to throw out all of your underwear and start over

One Ticket to Paradise

2006-11-15T23:08:00.000-05:00

Please let me escape from this.

I don't want these doubts and expectations anymore.

Take me away from here.

Take me away to a place where I can be myself.

Lest We Forget

2006-11-10T19:46:00.000-05:00

In Flanders Field the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields

I pray that mankind is not doomed to repeat the mistakes that we've made.

I hope that one day we can learn from history and not just study it.

I wish that there was tolerance for all religions, and that I wasn't forced to say 'Happy Holidays' instead of 'Merry Christmas'.

I WILL learn from my mistakes. One day. Maybe not today, but one day I will.

Lest We Forget

2006-11-06T23:33:00.000-05:00

I hate mind games.

Please don't leave me guessing.

What happens when you find what you want....but it doesn't want you?

My Rant for the Day...

2006-11-01T15:36:00.000-05:00

I hate being told what to do all the time. And I'm so sick of being guilt-tripped into doing things that I don't want to do. There's a reason I don't want to do it and no, you are NOT entitled to know that reason. It's my business. Get out of it.

I am feeling constrained. I get like this every once in awhile. I feel like I need to scream and run and just let everything out. My frustration is making me anxious, worried and extremely bitchy.

People are annoying me WAY more than usual. The eye-rolling has reached a pinnacle. My friend said something so incredibly STUPID the other day that I just had to walk away in order to not yell, "are you fucking serious?" at her. I honestly just don't understand how people can be so stupid sometimes. It baffles me. Does nobody have ANY common sense anymore?

I am tired of people assuming that they know me. Thinking that they can just know all my secrets, my likes and dislikes and they somehow magically know me. You don't. You probably never will.

Stop treating me like a child. When I want to be cuddled and babied, I will let you know. You may then treat me like a child.

Sometimes I just want to grab you and yell. Make you see how ridiculous you are being. Because you ARE ridiculous sometimes. It breaks my heart that you think that and that they made you think that. They are ridiculous too. They definitely need to get over themselves.

I am so tired of my own insecurities. I am tired of looking in the mirror and hating everything I see. I'm sick of hating my body, I'm sick of it. Yet I cannot accept my body for what it is. I am tired of hating myself.

I actually think that I hate you. I need to let that go otherwise it will eat me up inside.

I'm tired of the secrets, the lies and the competition. I don't care if you hate me. I don't like you that much either. Don't pretend to be my friend when you're actually telling me lies.

It's not you that I don't trust. It's them.

I don't want anymore expectations. I am tired of being disappointed and letting down others. Don't tell me you can do something when you can't. Please don't lie to me anymore, my heart can't take it.

I just want to scream.

Hello, My Name Is...

2006-10-27T15:33:00.000-04:00

I've always been a worrier. Just like my Daddy.

I'm impatient like my Mom.

I have my mom's nose and hands (mismatched in size and very large), but I have my Daddy's eyes and ears.

I'm paranoid and hesitant like my Aunt. My hair is thick, just like hers.

I sit with one leg bent underneath me like my Grandpa.

I love Blueberry pie and spontaneously baking things like my Gran.

I enjoy being with friends like my Grandma. She loves her rum and cokes.

I like being alone. Just like my Daddy.

But what defines me? What makes me who I am? The combination of these traits...these preferences that I have in life for blueberry pie and sitting with a bent leg? My annoying habit of worrying about things that could never EVER possibly happen or never being able to sit still while waiting for something in my life? Is it my hatred for tomatoes, love of cupcakes, tendancy to cry in movies even though I know what happens, re-read books a thousand times, listen to one song over and over again until I can't stand it anymore.

Do these little quirks make us who we are? This can't be it, there has to be at least a hundred other people who like/dislike the same things that I do, but we're not the same people. Not at all.

Oddly enough this doesn't worry me. Not knowing who I am. I have no calling to go and travel the world in search of myself. Oh sure, I want to travel, but do I think I'll find out who I am in Italy or France or if i'm lucky Egypt? Definitely not. I know what makes me happy and what doesn't. I let other people know too. I'm stubborn and annoying and loud but oddly shy, I enjoy giving people the silent treatment if they piss me off. I can't put up with other people's messes, but can't help making my own.

But I'm also caring, and willing to listen. I'm not generally a bad person even though I don't wish some people well. Sometimes they deserve it. I would willing drive all night to see a friend in need, just like I know my friends would do for me. I support my friends even if I don't agree with their decisions, and I never want to be one of those people who tries to make everybody think the way that I do. Half the fun is arguing with people. I hate it when people mess with my heart. That is unforgiveable. I try not to do the same to others, but I know that I have. And I'm sorry for that, but I don't expect to be forgiven. I don't believe in emotional games and playing hard to get. I am impatient to the point of being obnoxious and I want what I want, when I want it.

Maybe this means I already know who I am.

If Only...

2006-10-21T14:49:00.000-04:00

I have a secret.

But I can't tell you. I wish I could, but I'm so afraid. Everyone would judge me, they wouldn't understand.

This secret weighs down on me. It's such a burden. I hate it.

I wish I didn't have this secret.

2006-10-19T01:09:00.000-04:00

One little phrase can set me off. I'm like a bomb waiting to blow. I know I've always lacked in the patience department, but lately it's just ridiculous. I have never yelled at so many people as in the past week. My new roommate is terrified of me. I'm not sure why I am so emotional lately. Laughing hysterically one minute, crying the next. School is stressful, but not that bad. I feel like a weight is pushing on my shoulders and I can't figure out what it is. Is it my impending doom for my midterm on Monday? The 10 page essay that is only 5 pages as of this minute and due in 9 hours? The fact that I have the rest of my life to plan?

Probably that last one.

Did You Ever Really Care?

2006-10-17T09:43:00.000-04:00

You are a fucking liar. I have never been so disappointed in someone I considered a friend. I can't believe how cavalierly you treat your friends and are willing to just lose them. I'm not willing to sit back and be taken for granted. Some people have been way too lenient with you. I don't have the patience for that.

You just can't let it go, can you? You are being extremely selfish. Why can't you just be happy for me? You won't be happy for me because you're letting your personal opinions get in the way. Funny how you were so supportive when I thought I liked someone else, but as soon as I REALLY like someone you don't like...not so supportive anymore.

You tell me that you're happy for me, but I can see it in your eyes that you're not. You're lying to my face. Is that what a friend would do? You take cheap shots at my boyfriend and tell me not to trust him. What a shitty thing to put in my head when I've already been cheated on twice. You want me to doubt and question...and I won't. Because I trust him. You're the one who doesn't, and you say you're looking out for me, but really you just want to be right. You want to say "I told you so" with that smug look on your face. But you won't get to say it.

You tell me lies about my best friend, who I love like a sister. You put me on the spot and tell me that she's abandoned you and doesn't contribute anything to your friendship anymore. It's so nice when she tells me that you bitched to her for HOURS about me...and she sat there patiently and listened. What the fuck have you done for your "friendship"? NOTHING. You are a fucking hypocrite. You don't call her, message her, try to talk to her at all. Nice way to repay a friend.

And now you're doing the same thing to me. I'm the one putting all the effort in. Going out of my way to see you, and you act like I've inconvienced you. Well don't worry, I won't be contacting you again. I message you on MSN to get snarky replies, post on your facebook wall to get nothing in return. I'm not going to even bother calling you. Would you even pick up the phone? Tell me what I did to deserve this. Oh wait I know, I'm going out with someone you don't like. Guess what, he doesn't like you too much either...now I see why.

The difference between you and him is that he respects my friendship with you. He never insults you or asks why I spend time with you. He knew that you were my friend and he never tried to change my opinion of you. You're trying to get me to change my opinion of my boyfriend. I won't. You will never see what I see because you don't want to. I don't care. You should at least have tried to make an effort. I thought you did, but you really didn't. You only pretended to care because you thought it would be over quickly. Don't tell me I'm wrong, because I know I'm right. I can't believe it took me this long to realize it.

I know this isn't because we 'broke up'. We were friends for most of the summer. When I needed someone to talk to because I was lonely you were there. And you listened. You cared. So I am 99% sure that this is because I'm going out with someone you don't like. Get over it. I'm sorry that you think it is a reason for our friendship to end. But if that's all it took then were we ever friends in the first place?

Is the Silence Deafening?

2006-10-10T14:20:00.000-04:00

Why do we move so fast? Rushing through life and not appreciating the things that matter is our biggest fault. We put all our energy into work, school, pleasing other people. Why can't we stop and just be still for awhile?

The things that make us happy come last in this messed up version of life. It's true for most people that the little things make life worth living...laughing with a friend, a smile from someone, just being with someone even if it's in silence. What's wrong with silence? A true friend or significant other can appreciate you even when you're quiet. They are just happy to be with you. Everything is so loud. Do we need to be loud to be heard?

Work comes before spending time with family. Money is more important than happiness. School is more important than friendship. I'm not denying that these things are important in life. But when did they become so important that they demand our time more than family, friends...and love?

Time is a precious thing. You don't get it back. Don't let the things that are necessary in life take away time from the things that make you happy. Why are we in such a hurry to grow up?

We'll do it all
Everything on our own
We don't need
Anything or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Chasing Cars
Snow Patrol

Can someone just lay here with me?

Three Thanksgiving Dinners May Be a Bit Excessive

2006-10-09T20:01:00.000-04:00

As I sit here with my stomach full to the point of bursting (three kinds of pie and cheesecake...I think I overindulged), a semi-sunburnt face from the 4.5 hour car ride home and my mom yelling at me to put my laundry away I realize I am thankful for a lot. And that I have a lot to be thankful for...but I may just take for granted.

I am thankful...

1) for my parents.

2) that I got to spend the weekend up North and bug Tony as much as possible. (You know you love it).

3) that my mom makes the mashed potatoes just the way I like them even though she rolls her eyes when I ask.

4) that I had time to sit on the kitchen counter, eating chocolates, drinking wine and have time to just talk to my mom.

5) for the three Thanksgiving dinners I greedily consumed this weekend. Yes...three.

6) that my shower has water pressure. It's a glorious thing.

7) for moisturizer.

8) for endless hugs and kisses from those that I care about.

9) that my Daddy still squeezes me so tight in a hug that I lose my breathe when I come home from school. I like being missed.

10) for the traffic on the way home because it let me spend more time with you.

11) that I am getting an education.

12) for the fact that more people than me don't know what they want to do with their life.

13) that I get to see my best friend more.

14) for Disney movies, hot chocolate, pillow talks, comfy pajamas, Christmas and ice cream because they won't let us grow up too fast.

15) that I found a housemate who can put up with my mood swings, obsessive compulsive behaviour and random dance parties in the hallway.

16) for every backrub you give me.

17) that my Mommy finished my laundry while I was away.

18) that I don't go out much because it makes those times that we do go out seem that much better.

19) for whip cream.

20) that your family made me feel welcome.

21) that I don't need to know proper English for a Science major. I have no clue what a pronoun is. It seems useless in life. Sorry.

22) that I enjoy one of my classes this semester. Otherwise I'd go nuts.

23) for my health.

24) that Fluffy will be O.K. It wasn't an eraser! It was a rubber door stopper...crazy cat.

25) that I have clothes to keep me warm...and if they fail I have someone to get blankets for me. I'm thankful for that too.

26) that I'm going to the gym more. It helps me to feel better about myself.

27) for my eyesight, hearing, ability to walk, talk and smell, and most importantly the ability to feel. Feel joy, pain, sadness, anger, sinfully happy. If you can't feel sad, then you'll never feel really happy.

28) that I have people who believe in me, because I rarely do. It's nice to know that someone thinks I can do it.

29) for the many options that are available to me in life. I am glad those were provided for me. Too many people don't have options.

30) that I'm alive and can experience life. It can be taken away too easily, or taken for granted. People never appreciate what they have until it's gone. I never want to be that way again.

A Tribute To Fluffy

2006-10-04T12:24:00.000-04:00

I remember the first time I saw you at the Humane Society. I was in grade four and had used my charming smile and puppy dog eyes to coerce my parents into letting me get another cat. I was manipulative like that. You were so tiny and fuzzy. So adorable with your one white eye and one grey eye; your little nose pressed against the cage door trying to get closer to me. You clawed my finger that day and I knew immediately that you were the cat I wanted. My parents asked, "Why on earth do you want the only cat that scratched you?", I remember replying, "Because she has an attitude problem just like you say that I have." They laughed and shook their heads, and we adopted you.

My Dad insisted that we name you Fluffy even though I kept repeating that you weren't that fluffy, just really really fuzzy and soft. But the name stuck. I remember you learned your name after only about three weeks of being at home with us. You'd come when we called you and would follow me around the house hoping that I would play with you. When I paid attention to my others cats you'd get jealous and attack them. Such a bully. Funny how when my mom paid attention to other people I would jump around and purposely act like a brat to get her attention. Strange similarity.

I remember in Grade Six we let you out one morning and you didn't come back for five days. I'm pretty sure I cried for those entire five days.

You are our only pet that's ever been sprayed by a skunk. Our only animal that's ever tried to eat a bee and end up getting stung inside your mouth and on your paw (which swelled up to three times it's normal size). The only cat we've had that's caught at least ten mice, five birds (one that was still alive when I released it from your jaws of death) and a baby rabbit while being about 15 pounds overweight. Ever heard of the phrase curiousity killed the cat?

I love how when I come home from school you come running to the front door, meowing your little face off, stomach jiggling all over the place (not so much since your diet, but it still jiggles), and then pretend to be mad at me until I scratch your chin and buy your love back with kitty treats. You still follow me around the house and trip me half the time because you always want to be closer to me. My Dad once said, "She just always want to be with you" and I think it's true. I may even miss you more than my parents sometimes, but don't tell them that. I love how you sleep on the other pillow on my bed and press your furry little forehead against mine at night while you purr. Sometimes you get right under the covers with me and sleep under my bent legs or with your head in my hand or on my stomach. Always purring though. You always seem to know when I'm upset or crying because you somehow always find me and just lie next to me.

I know that some people are going to read this blog and say, "what a loser, it's just a cat" but they don't understand. In my family pets aren't just animals, they become a part of the family. I hate that I didn't even know you were sick or in trouble and that I can't be there while you recover from surgery. I know you'll be fine but I am worried. Please don't eat anymore erasers.

I Got That Feeling...

2006-10-02T16:15:00.000-04:00

I felt a shiver run down my spine today when I remembered what you said.

Nobody was able to wipe the smile from my face after that.

You make me happy. Plain and simple.

Don't Talk About What You Don't Know

2006-10-01T17:28:00.000-04:00

I say that it doesn't matter. But it does. I say that I don't care. But I do. It's hard with dislike and judgement pouring in from all sides. All I get is catty comments, bitchy stares and the insincere "oh, hey, good to see you" while rolling your eyes at your friends. You don't even know me, and you don't want to know me. You just want to disapprove. You say that I'm not trying, but you have no idea how hard it is. And I am trying. I wish there was more I could do, but there isn't.

I cried my heart out on Saturday night. The kind of crying where you can't speak, can't breathe, can't think and your whole body shakes. You can't stop it. I've never cried like that before in front of anyone other than my mommy or Trish. I'm glad that someone who cared about me was there to understand and to listen. I have reached my breaking point. I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not you like me. You should be happy, but all you can think about are yourselves. And you should be ashamed of yourselves. I'm done with all of it. It's clear that you'll never approve and I will not live my life waiting for your approval. I don't want to hear from people, "It doesn't matter, they won't last long anyways", because you have NO IDEA what it's like. Or what I'm like. Don't talk about what you don't know.

2006-09-28T14:43:00.000-04:00

I got this in an e-mail and I just thought that it was completely, totally and heartbreakingly true. I've learned that the people you depend on in life are going to let you down, just like you're going to let them down. What makes a friendship or relationship special is that you forgive each other and move on. Nobody's perfect and it's their imperfections that make us appreciate and love them.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Water Pressure Can Do a Lot For a Person

2006-09-25T00:28:00.000-04:00

1) I am completely and totally socially inept. I don't understand social interaction at all. I don't mind going to parties as long as I know someone, but try to introduce me to new people...most of the time I'll give them a blank stare.

2) I've had a headache on and off for the past three weeks. I can't decide whether it's from school, sleep deprivation or just general life stress.

3) I have a presentation on October 11th. I'm petrified. I hate giving presentations because I'm sure that someone will stand up and yell, "You have NO idea what you're talking about." Which is true. I have no idea what's going on.

4) I didn't realize how much I missed home until I went back to Oakville on Friday. I missed my couch, my bed, my mommy and daddy, my cats, the way my laundry smells, my sheets, my glorious pillow, the hardwood floors and the water pressure in the shower.

5) I am caught in the middle of a group of friends right now. It breaks my heart. They are all so stubborn and proud...unwilling to compromise and see things from the other person's perspective. I feel like I am being forced to choose, and I refuse to do that.

6) I am exhausted lately but have problems sleeping. Although I was out like a light last night...maybe stealing blankets and bed space from someone helps me sleep better at night?

7) We have a dishwasher. You have no idea how happy this makes me. I don't particularly mind doing dishes, but I find that they are a waste of my life.

8) I've realized that I am a jealous person. It's not a good trait. I am working on it...it's slow going but I think I've made improvement.

9) Someone told me that I smile and giggle a lot more lately. It's because I am happy now.

10) I can only make decisions when they don't affect somebody else. I'm scared I might make somebody unhappy. I don't like making people unhappy.

11) I respond well to boundaries and short-term goals. Just tell me what you like and don't like and I'm cool with that. Don't play games with me and leave me guessing. I hate that shit.

12) I find that my obsessive-compulsive side is coming out a bit more now. I'm a little nuts lately. I actually make my bed the EXACT same way everyday. The way I fold the sheet, where I put the pillow while I make my bed, the way the pillows are positioned...I have it down to a fine art. My shower routine is the same everyday. I like routine a little too much I think.

13) People are pissing me off a lot more lately. The stupidity that some people possess amazes me. And yes, I realize that sometimes I say stupid things....but I am not stupid. I am just innocent and naive sometimes. I also do not pay attention to what is going on in the world around me.

14) I have absolutely no idea what to be for Hallowe'en. I don't know why this is bothering me because it is relatively far away. But for some reason it's causing me stress.

15) I just spent a lot of money on clothes I don't need. But they made me happy, so they're worth it.

Why Did I Let You Go Again?

2006-09-19T16:07:00.000-04:00

I miss dancing.

I miss that feeling after performing where you can't breathe because you've just poured out your heart and soul into the dance. It takes everything from you and you just want to give it more.

I miss the way that I could control my movement...my muscles and my body. People would have been amazed at the amount of muscle control I used to have. I challenge someone to find me a football or hockey player that can stand with one of their legs extended beside their head and hold it for at least a minute. There probably isn't one. I wish I could still do that.

Oddly enough I miss the pain. Not the bad pain where something is broken or sprained, but the kind of pain that comes from pushing your body to the limit. I love that feeling. No matter what I do I can't seem to get that feeling from anything else.

When I danced every thought left my head and it was pure bliss. You know that routine so well that it becomes part of you and you don't have to think about it. All you have to think about is how it makes you feel. And it made me feel amazing.

I miss learning a new routine, a new technique, a new move, a new form of dance. I remember when I first learned lyrical. I'm pretty sure that I fell in love. It was so beautiful and moving, and all I wanted to do is learn how to move like that. I wish I could still move like that.

I miss the strain on my muscles. The feeling of stretching them until they might snap, but you know you can push yourself further. Or sometimes they just snapped. I don't miss that.

I miss the feeling of pushing off from the ground. Jumping as high as you can. Stretching your legs are far as they'll go. But landing as softly as a leaf falling to the ground. Jumps were my favourite. I loved the feeling of being in the air. I can't jump anymore, when did that happen?

Dance was such a huge part of my life...it was my life. It made me who I was....who I am? 24 hours a week for ten months a year, at least eight routines a year. I dedicated most of my time to it. And then I just dropped it. I quit. It wasn't because I didn't love dancing anymore, I miss it more than anyone could possibly ever know. I don't know why I won't take a class or something. Maybe I'm afraid. Afraid that I've lost my touch...afraid it won't satisfy me......afraid that I'll want more.

All I know is that I miss it. My body misses it.

Why did I let it go?

A Pounding Headache in the First Week of School is Never a Good Thing

2006-09-15T16:05:00.000-04:00

I am exhausted. I am stressed. I feel like I'm getting nowhere in life. No matter how much work I do, it feels as though I have barely made a dent. It's the first week of school. Why do I feel like there is so much to do?

I always start out the school year in the opposite way. Totally and completely relaxed. Not caring a bit. Then when midterms rape me in a back alley and steal my wallet I finally get my ass in gear. Maybe it's because...this is it. The last chance for me to prove myself. Prove myself to who you ask? To me. I don't care what anyone else thinks at this point. I just want to know that I can do it. But at what cost? My physical health.......my emotional health? My social life? My friendships and relationships? None of that should have to suffer so that I can feel accomplished academically. Yet...it is. Especially my health.

I need to find a balance. I need time for myself, to do schoolwork, go to the gym, eat, sleep, be with my friends, spend some time with the family. How do I fit all of this into my life? How do those crazy people who have five jobs, are on sports teams, get 95s' and still manage to have a social life do it? I will NEVER be one of those people. I like to have time to myself WAY too much. Oh why am I such a hermit? I have always been horrible at time management. For example, I could be at the gym right now.....but instead I am writing a blog. Good use of time Jaime...A+!!

Lately I feel as though I am being pulled in so many different directions. My sanity is definitely suffering. I get yelled at for going to visit friends in waterloo, I feel guilty for spending time by myself, not doing homework is basically a sin right now to me (not that I even have that much, two of my classes are useless). Why do I have to do what everybody else wants me to do? Pretty sure I should be able to go wherever I want without feeling guilty. Or is that not allowed now either?

All I know is that I'm going to start doing what is best for me and if people can't handle that...then they didn't care that much in the first place.

Suddenly I See Why The Hell It Means So Much To Me

2006-09-11T01:00:00.000-04:00

The first day of school is today, and I can't sleep. I am too excited, nervous, scared and sad to sleep. There are so many memories and thoughts...I didn't even know I remembered some of this stuff. I remember when four years felt like an eternity. I thought I would never get through it and end up as a vagabond (that was for you Melissa) in Union Station with a sign that says, "Will Dance For Crack". However, it looks like I'm going to get that damn piece of paper. I will be a scientist...a biologist more specifically. It sounds so grown up. I don't want to grow up, but we've all established that. I want to slow down time and savour every minute...every second. Where did the last three years go? They were pretty awesome. I always rolled my eyes whenever someone would say, "You won't even recognize yourself after University, they really are the best years of your life." I understand them now. I'm not even done University and I am so different from the person I used to be.

I used to hate change. I wanted everything to be the same. I've outgrown that mentality now, maybe because I've changed. I realized that it's ok to not know what I want to do for the rest of my life right out of university. Almost nobody knows. It's ok if I want to take a semester off before doing Master's to work and travel. If I don't travel now when the hell am I going to? And I've wanted to go to Europe for as long as I can remember. I will regret it if I don't go, even if it's by myself, I'm going. I never would have done that before.

The best memories I have are of Melissa and I at home. I know, I'm such a loser (maybe that's why I have no stories). We honestly have the best time sitting around doing nothing. That girl can make me laugh so hard I can't breathe. I almost killed her when she had bronchitis and was making her laugh. But it only made us laugh harder. I can still picture her quite clearly curled up on my bed, coughing, laughing, crying and pounding the bed with her fist at the same time. I think she was trying to tell me not to make her laugh...oops. I could not have asked for a better housemate. The more time we spend together the better we get along. I only have one class with her this semester...I will definitely be suffering from separation anxiety. How will I ever survive without her there to bail me out? I'm pretty sure she's the only reason I am still in school. As a housemate, she's seen me at my worst (no make-up anyone? hello, it's not pretty). She knows when I want to be left alone and when I don't. She hates people just as much as I do. Most people bond over the stuff they like....we bonded over the stuff we hate. Sounds weird, but it works for us. I don't know how I'll live alone/without her after this year. We have a new roommate this year, and I'm super excited about it. She seems really nice and friendly. Hopefully it will work out alright.

The most valuble lessons that I've learned at school are not the ones in the classroom, although those ARE important for life. But really, how many times do I need to be taught about PCR, seriously people, it's not that difficult. I've learned more about myself this past year than I could ever have imagined. If I didn't have my friends there supporting me I probably would have fallen apart. I've learned what a true friend is to me now and why I appreciate them. A true friend is the one who sits with you in the bathroom while you're drunk, missing the party and holding your hair back while you're being sick and saying that they don't mind at all. And you know that they don't. They will also agree with you when you say you're not that drunk, but they know that you are. They are just as happy as you when you get good news, and are possibly even more upset when something bad happens because it kills them to see you hurt/sad. They freak out as much as you do when the sketchiest thing EVER happens (you know what I'm talking about). You can get in a fight and bounce back stronger than before because you're both more honest with each other. They understand everything you are thinking just from a look across the room, because they are probably thinking the EXACT same thing. Nothing makes me happier than when Melissa physically attacks me after not seeing me for two days because she missed me, or hearing Trish call me a slut. I used to be pretty cavalier about some friends...letting them drift. I figured that people change and grow apart...which is true. But sometimes it doesn't have to happen. I won't let it happen to the friends that I love and need. I've sworn that I will put the effort in. Some friends have drifted this year in some ways, but we still remain close. I love that we can pick up where we left off and still appreciate each other.

This school year is starting with a lot of changes in my life. One I'm really happy about, but I don't want to jinx it. I think it will be an awesome experience that is needed in my life. It will be good for me. I think I will finally get what I want and need at the same time. All it took to make my decision was the words, "I'll wait for you", a stuffed turtle and some apple pie. Sometimes pie really does hold all the answers.

I can't wait for this year. I am going to try and appreciate every minute.

Failure: 1, Jaime: 0

2006-08-31T00:44:00.000-04:00

I have an irrational fear of not being good enough. At anything. Not thin enough, healthy enough, funny, smart, beautiful, modest, confident, sexy enough. If I keep this up, I will never be happy with myself. I always want to be more. If I accomplish something all I can think is, "If I had done this I would have received better results." I can never be happy, because I know I can do more.

I recently got 82 in my summer class, which considering the amount of work I did (next to none), is a relatively decent mark. All I could think was that if I had studied an extra day, done more for the discussions, started those damn assignments earlier...I would have got 85, or maybe even better. I will never be smart enough to please myself. I always want to figure everything out on the first try, and life just doesn't happen that way. Science doesn't happen that way. It is all about trial and error; I doubt I will ever survive in a lab for longer than a week. If I have to re-do a question; think about which experiment to use; take longer on a report than I thought...I am automatically a failure in my mind. Why do I expect so much out of myself?

I will always hate my body. I have come to the conclusion that even if I lost the seven pounds I so desperately feel I need to shed I would find something else to complain about. I've tried to see myself the way other people do. It never works. I eat basically whatever I want...my exercise routine isn't exactly strenuous. I am a size 28. Some people would kill for that. All I can think is that "I used to be a 26 or 27." Mind you I danced approximately 23-24 hours a week, so that definitely had something to do with it. I was younger and had a faster metabolism. Why can't I just accept my body shape?

I feel like I'm not good enough for you. And that I will always leave you wanting more. I don't know why you want me. I don't think I deserve what you do for me, the way you treat me. I don't want to disappoint you. And I don't want to disappoint myself.

It has reached the point where sometimes I don't even bother trying anymore. I am afraid I won't do it right the first time...and then what? What do I think will happen? That the world will stop...or that everybody will be gobsmacked because I couldn't accomplish something on the first try!? It's so ridiculous that if I could I would give myself an exasperated look. My friends and family are happy with who I am (I think....I'll assume so). They are proud of me and what I've accomplished so far...what I've got through, what I've studied...who I've become. I wish I could see what they see.

Why can't I stop being afraid of failure?

My Internal Organs are Having a Raging Debate.

2006-08-28T16:13:00.000-04:00

I wish I could still trust myself. My mind is telling me one thing, my heart another. I don't know which to believe, or which to trust. I am consciously trying to protect myself, yet at the same time I'm trying to let go. There used to be a time when my heart and mind were in sync, I had no conflicts...those days are long gone.

I feel like I can't trust my intuition anymore. I don't know what I want, or what I need. I used to know exactly what I wanted, and I never thought about it, I just went for it. I almost always got what I wanted. Now I hesitate. I wonder WHY I want it. I don't feel like I deserve it anymore.

I know why I feel this way. He made me think I didn't deserve it. I never got reassurance...you always left me wondering what I'd done wrong. I always felt inadequate, and that I just wasn't good enough. I was always jealous...always wondering. I could never trust you, I doubted you, so in turn I ended up doubting myself.

I know now that I did nothing wrong. It just wasn't right, it was awful actually. We were so wrong for each other it was just ridiculous. I am glad we broke up. I have found out more about myself because of it and I know it was right. And I know I will be OK.

I am figuring out a way to trust myself again. It is slow going, but I have people to help me and wait for me. I know I can trust them and that they will be there for me. You may have shaken my self-confidence, but I will bounce back, stronger than before. My heart and mind will once again be OK with each other. I can't wait for that day.

To Mulch, Ben&Jerry's, Aftershock and DTM.

2006-08-20T23:41:00.000-04:00

Every year I am harassed into planning an England Reunion. I bitch, whine, moan and complain about it, but secretly I love it. Because if I don't do it, nobody else will. And I wouldn't miss these reunions for all the Ben&Jerry's in the world. Even though it drives me nuts trying to plan them (can you PLEASE just send me back an e-mail guys, it's really not that hard) I always have the best time ever when we all get together. These guys are probably some of the greatest guys that I know and I love seeing them! I hope that one day we can do an "England Reunion Does England" reunion.

Here are the reasons I love England Reunions:

1) You can yell out "MULCH!" randomly and everybody will get it.

2) Carl and I will never stop commenting on James' height. "Oh my god, he just grew another inch! When will it end?!"

3) James always seems to have an amused/exasperated look on his face whenever I say something retarded. Which is most of the time.

4) You can talk about blowjobs, screaming orgasms, aftershock, acidtrips and redheaded sluts and they all know you're talking about alcohol and not some kinky adventure you had in first year university.

5) Carl will make the crazy face at least once.

6) We always end up playing copious amounts of videogames to avoid social interaction.

7) Midnight snacking always comes into the picture. Too bad I couldn't get that poutine into my mouth. I blame the fork.

8) It's the only weekend in the year that I smoke up.

9) At least once over the course of the weekend James will start a sentence with, "Jaime, I don't think that's what they meant..." and it will be accompanied by a roll of his eyes. Way to put up with my drunken hysterics like a man James. Thanks buddy!

10) I get to poke David in his spare tire. And he isn't offended.

11) Copious amounts of Ben & Jerry's. Need I say more?

12) We usually get so ridiculously drunk that we piss off entire restaurants. Note To Self: Bringing my own bottle of wine to a restaurant isn't such a good idea.

13) They always remember the England stories that I forget and vice versa. Mind you I usually try to forget that story about James throwing up spaghetti-o's.

14) There's almost always a reference to James' fro, Max's spikey hair and my rainbow hat. Damn that hat to hell.

15) There is at least one point in the weekend where I find myself facing a wall of back's and there is no way out! Why the hell are you all so freaking tall?!

16) Pirates references are plentiful. Barnicle Pete and Salty Sam anyone?! We were so cruel...but so freaking amusing.

17) We always tell the same England stories again and laugh like it's the first time we've heard them.

18) I usually get a glimpse of David's nipple ring (although this is a recent addition).

19) James' sarcasm never ceases to amaze me. That boy has more sass than a 14 year old girl. But it's a good thing, don't worry.

20) I get to see David, James, Carl, Max and Oren!!!!! (This is my favourite reason, so I saved it for last!)

I will never hear the song "Can't Hurry Love" again without thinking of the bongos! Awesome time guys! Love you all!!!!!

Score One For Peanut Butter and Chocolate.

2006-08-16T17:16:00.000-04:00

I love...

anything that has peanut butter and chocolate in it.

Oreo milkshakes.

phone calls from friends.

making people laugh.

lying in bed on a Saturday morning with warm blankets, the window open and nothing to do.

cuddling.

when someone plays with my hair.

hugs.

when you can look into someone's eyes and know that they are thinking the EXACT same thing as you...be it nice or mean.

my cats purr. It's so comforting.

guys shoulders. They are H-O-T.

the way my mommy smells.

reading a really good book. Over and over and over again.

that I have people to protect and defend me.

that my friends support me no matter what.

the smell of freshly cut grass.

chocolate milk.

fudge and beer. Who knew they were a good combination?

cottages. There's just something about them that makes me happy.

laughing until I cry.

my pillow.

when my Daddy hugs me. No other hug can compare.

that my friends let me vent/bitch. And most of the time they join in.

dancing.

Pachabel's Canon. It's beautiful.

knowing that you want me. And that I want you.

when I don't procrastinate.

the feeling after a really good workout.

pie. Almost any kind, but especially strawberry rhubarb or blueberry.

my friends.

when my grandma says something crazy because it makes me giggle to think we'll ALL be like that one day.

knowing that my grandpa is watching over me.

learning. I know, I'm a huge nerd.

my eyes.

my parents.

that I'm comfortable enough with myself to know that I'm totally and completely crazy. But if you call me crazy, I will be extremely offended.

pajamas. They truly are my favourite article of clothing.

that I can be innocent enough to cry when watching the news, but strong enough to stand up for myself.

ice cream.

watching movies with my friends, curled up in pajamas with blankets and pillows. Because you never end up watching the movie.

you.

Wants Vs. Needs

2006-08-14T20:02:00.000-04:00

The things I need I never want.

I always want what I can't have. It's a challenge.

My life is full of wants, but not necessarily things I need.

The things I want aren't always the things I need.

What happens when you get what you want, but not what you need?

What if you get what you need, but it's not what you want?

How do you combine the two? It is one of life's challenges.

I save money for the things I want, but not the things I need. I'll be damned if I'll spend my own hard earned money on groceries, but I don't mind blowing $285 on a pair of jeans. Figure that one out.

I want to be alone, but I need people around me while I am doing it.

I want constant reassurance about my looks, but I need somebody to look past them and see who I really am. I get pissed off when guys say that I'm hot, yet I need my friends to tell me constantly that they think I'm pretty. How messed up is that? It also pisses my friends off.

I want to believe in myself, but I need to find a way how to do that.

How do I get what I want and what I need at the same time?

I Am Angry.

2006-08-06T19:25:00.000-04:00

I am angry and disappointed in myself right now.

And I'm angry at you.

But mostly I am angry at myself.

I hate that I let myself believe and that I trusted you.

I am angry that you gave me false hope.

I feel betrayed, lost, confused, disappointed and heartbroken.

And angry. Always angry.

I am angry that you didn't pick me.

I am upset that I let myself hope for the impossible.

An Emotional Hermit

2006-08-05T17:37:00.000-04:00

I think I am becoming an emotional hermit, a recluse if you will. Lately I have found that my emotions are so deep inside me that sometimes even I can't tell what I'm feeling. The only thing I do when I feel emotion is cry. I shrink away when people show emotions in front of me...I shut down. I panic and don't know what to do. I think I have always been quite guarded with my feelings, but lately I feel as though I have retreated inside myself and I'm not coming out. Kind of like a crab.

I have always been careful in who I trust. I am quite open about my life, but only a few people know the dark secrets that really make me who I am. And I don't even think they really know me anyways. I am careful about what I let show. Sometimes I lose control and let things slip...usually in moments of drunkenness. But even though I am an impulsive person I don't usually put myself out there in a vulnerable position. I have before...and I won't be making that mistake again. Most of what I say is carefully thought through, even though it may not seem like it at times. I let people know what I want them to know...let them think what I want them to think. There are very few situations were I don't have tight control of my emotions and most of the time of the entire situation.

I have put a shield around myself for protection. I have been badly burned in the past and I don't particularly wish to repeat the experience. Lately I find myself not trusting anyone, especially my friends. I feel as though I am caught up in a web of lies and I don't know what to believe anymore. There are so many stories, and so little truth that I can't believe a word out of anybody's mouth. People tell me one thing and then I hear from someone else a completely different story. Who should I trust? My answer right now is no one.

I think lately that I have felt the need to protect myself more because I feel abandoned...replaced if you will...not needed. I like to feel needed. Who doesn't? It gives me a purpose in life. It helps me think that if someone needs me here that it isn't all for nothing, that I have made a difference. But lately I don't feel needed at all. Certainly not by most of my friends. This summer has been really difficult for me emotionally. With friendships, relationships and tentative relationships. I have rediscovered a connection I thought I lost, grown apart from most of my friends, almost destroyed a friendship because of dating (thank god we're pulling through that) and I've been burned by a friend. Bad.

It is getting to a point where I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't want to confront my emotions, and I certainly don't want to deal with anyone else's feelings. I know, how selfish of me. But lately it seems as though nobody has any regard for my feelings, so why should I care about theirs? Friends say they understand, but they are the ones causing these feelings. So they don't. And maybe they can't. Who knows.

All I know is that I've lost so much trust in people, in my friends really, that I won't be letting anybody in anytime soon. I don't want to. I feel as though I've had enough. And I believe I have.

Gaining my trust is hard enough...but trying to get it back after it's been lost is nearly impossible.

Hope

2006-07-26T13:15:00.000-04:00

Everyone needs a little hope in their lives. It's probably one of the most important things in life. If you don't hope for something more then you will never achieve anything. Everything would just be at a stand still. Hope gives people motivation. But in the end is hope just wanting something that you can't have?

Lately I have found myself hoping for a lot of things, most of them not possible. Am I just expecting too much out of life? Everyone knows that life is unfair, it's a lesson learned at an ungodly young age, but when you hope for something, isn't the sky the limit? But does hoping mean that it will come true? Definitely not. So why do I expect everything that I hope for to just miracuously happen? Am I hoping for the impossible? Or am I just hoping for something that deep down I know won't come true so I won't have to deal with it?

Still lately I have found myself just disappointed in a lot of things...a lot of people. Are they changing or are my expectations too high? Maybe I am just putting my faith in the wrong people. Hoping that they will realize their mistakes before it is too late. Then again, who realizes a mistake before it is too late? No one. Sometimes I wish I could squish that little bubble of hope that I get in my stomach (you all know what I'm talking about), just so that I won't end up feeling disappointed. Even when I KNOW something isn't going to happen, or someone isn't going to call me, I still get that damn bubble of hope. And each time I'm let down it hurts a little more, that bubble of hope gets a little smaller.

It is still important to have hope in your life, but do you need to be selective about what you hope for? I didn't used to think so, but as I get older and life seems to get more unfair, it seems that it may be true.

In the end does hope only lead to disappointment?

Things I've Learned...continued.

2006-07-15T18:32:00.000-04:00

So for my very first blog I made a list of things that I have learned in life. It turns out that I have learned more than I thought, which is probably a good thing. If I had only learned 30 things in 22 years of life...well, that would be kind of sad, don't you agree? So I have decided to expand/add to my list of life lessons (is 22 years a life? who knows).

I've learned that...

1) ice cream can't cure everything...but it sure does taste good.

2) sunscreen is my soulmate.

3) I am extremely impulsive and indulgent...almost to the point of recklessness.

4) to most people you are replaceable...even disposable, but to a precious few you are irreplaceable.

5) I inherited my lack of patience from my mother.

6) I hate it when someone says they 'know me'...and they really couldn't have a clue.

7) some people are just better off as friends.

8) you can never rely on beauty...it will fade.

9) you can't expect someone to know you if you don't know yourself.

10) our society is too focused on what's on the outside.

11) I am not as obsessed with shopping as everyone thinks.

12) I hate working. Period. End of story.

13) if someone tells me to do something...I will refuse to do it. But if I'm left alone, I will do it without being told. For example, the more someone complains about me not calling them...the more I refuse to call.

14) my intuition is usually right.

15) I don't regret many things that I've done, but I regret things that I didn't do or say.

16) I use money as a way of feeling secure.

17) living with a friend can ruin a friendship.

18) most days I feel like the statue. (you know...the whole 'some days you're the statue, some days you're the pigeon' thing)

19) 90% of my first impressions are wrong. And I'm glad.

20) I have ridiculously high expectations of myself.

21) if I can't get it right on the first try I will usually give up. That is a bad thing.

22) it is WAY too easy to break someone's heart...or have yours broken.

23) I am extremely picky about the way I eat my food and the order in which I do things. My french fries must be paired by size, and if they don't have another one similar in size than I will only eat one at a time. I am also strongly against 'mixing' food...I will eat all my veggies, and only when I am done one thing will I start eating the next. I must do things in the shower, at work and while studying in a specific order or I get flustered and have to start over. I am weird like that.

24) I am ridiculously stubborn and proud. Good luck getting me to admit that I was wrong.

25) I am a worrier. I worry about everything and everyone at all times. It is not a productive hobby.

26) I have almost no willpower when it comes to dieting and being healthy. Case in point, I have eaten fast food everyday for the past eight days.

27) I am way too obsessed with Harry Potter.

28) deep down I love romance. But I pretend not too. Bring me flowers and I may just swoon.

29) I am a girly-girl. Yes, I am afraid of spiders and centipedes, I like to shop and wear make-up and have sleepovers with my friends. Is there REALLY anything wrong with that?

30) some girls will do anything to get you back. It is really kind of sad.

Does growing up mean we have to grow apart?

2006-07-15T17:00:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately, we all have to grow up. This is something I have been resisting for YEARS now. But I fear that my time might be drawing near. I've grown up with a fantastic group of friends that I am mostly still friends with to this day. They are the most wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, funny, silly and fantastic people I have EVER met in my life (I realize I may be a bit biased), and I wouldn't be who I am without them. They are always supportive and I am pretty sure that if I murdered someone they would find a way to say that the person had it coming. I can always count on them to talk with about something, from my fear of being a failure in life to what to wear (seems trivial, but really...it's not). Sure my friends annoy me sometimes...but who ISN'T annoying sometimes? I am the first to admit that I will drive you crazy if you spend too much time with me...hell I drive myself crazy sometimes.

Yet lately I feel as though I am being left behind, that we are all growing apart. This is understandable, people obviously change as we grow older, but I was under the impression we were supposed to embrace those changes. I have clearly changed too in these past years away at University. I have made new friends and hopefully changed slightly for the better. It would be odd and sadly pathetic if we all stayed the same and there was no personal growth. Of course there are always people that change for the worse....or the characteristics that annoy you become more pronounced. I used to be able to put up with a lot more from certain friends, and lately I find myself rolling my eyes at their selfishness and wondering how they can be so freaking self-absorbed. I wonder if they have always been this way and it is me who changed...or have they changed and it is simply more noticeable now? Maybe I will never know. What I do know is that I am less likely to put up with it now. I won't let them guilt trip me into giving them a ride, or always talking about their problems or making me think that I am the bad friend. Is that a change for the better? I would like to think so. I don't want to feel used by them anymore, that is not how a friend is supposed to feel.

I feel as though I am losing one friend in particular, and it just breaks my heart. I don't know when it happened...I can't pinpoint the time. I wish I could, because I want to change it so badly, but I just don't know what to do. This girl is my other half...my better half actually. She's incredible and never ceases to amaze me with her strength and beauty...both on the inside and out. She has been through more in life than I can even imagine and yet she is such a person, it just amazes me. Yet all that she's been through, she has never hesitated to help me with my problems and talk to me. There is one particular time that I never could have made it through without her. Even though I was surrounded by other people who were supportive...she was the one I needed. The only one who would listen to me...and see through the lies I was telling...that I was ok. Because she knows I wasn't. She used to be the one I would turn to first...I always wanted her opinion first...I knew she would tell the truth, whether it's harsh or not. She makes me confront my feelings, even when I don't want to. Even now that I feel we aren't as close, she's still the only one I can talk to about specific problems...the ones that I wouldn't even dream of turning to my other friends for. Still, I feel as though there is a space between us...and I just can't get through it. There is awkward silences where there used to be comfortable silences...things left unsaid.
Maybe it started because she thought she was a bad friend...but she wasn't. At least I don't think she was, she was the only one with the guts to tell me that the guy I was dating was a jerk and was wrong for me. And she was right, I wish I had listened to her sooner...actually I wish I had listened to her at all, maybe then I wouldn't feel like a fool. It's possible that it's because I feel slightly hurt and replaced by her boyfriend and new friends...jealous of them. It's a stupid thing to think...but I still think it. It's not as if I haven't made new friends too, so I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do...and I know it's a bit selfish, but I never said I was perfect. I used to be the one she turned to for help...and now I find out things that happen in her life through third parties or she tells me as an afterthought.
I too, find myself hesitating when talking to her now...maybe she's just had enough of me...I couldn't blame her. Honestly though, I just miss her and spending time with her. It feels as though I haven't seen her in years when in reality I just saw her or just talked to her. I know that we will always be friends...but can we get back to what we used to be? It seems almost impossible, but I will never stop trying.

It just makes me wonder: why does growing up mean that we have to grow apart?

Facing Fears

2006-07-12T21:20:00.000-04:00

I don't like to admit to most of my fears. Sure being afraid of a spider is one thing...but emotional fears are much harder to face. It's kind of scary and depressing to say that you're afraid you're going to die alone, probably found weeks later half eaten by wild dogs(thank you Bridget Jones). I've realized lately that I am afraid of a lot of things...too many things. Why am I so afraid? Why do I worry so much about being afraid? It's a perfectly natural feeling. I think mostly that I just don't like to admit that I have fears because it shows weakness. So, I thought that admitting my fears to myself might help me overcome them...well who am I kidding...I will never not scream when I see a centipede.

I'm afraid...

that no one will ever truly know who I am.

that some boys will never see past my looks...as conceited as that sounds.

of spiders, centipedes, millipedes, caterpillars...anything with multiple legs is just unnatural.

that I will never get that "feeling" in my stomach again.

that I made a rash decision.

that I was wrong.

that I will never know my parents.

that I will never find something that makes me truly happy.

that my friends are going to forget me when they're all grown up and have successful jobs and babies.

of trusting the wrong people in life.

of being alone in the dark.

that one day I will wake up and be a bitter old woman...oh wait, that was this morning.

that I will never find someone to love me for who I am.

that everyone is moving on without me.

that I am going to let my parents down.

of never living up to the person I want to be.

of really loud thunder.

that I will never regain my self-confidence.

that someone's kiss will never make my knees weak again.

that my friends have no clue who I am.

of growing up too fast.

that I will never have children.

of dying.

that I will never be able to travel.

of never knowing who I truly am.

of horror movies.

that I will give up on love.

What are your fears?

Letting Go

2006-07-10T17:14:00.000-04:00

In life there are a lot of things that you have to let go of, but you probably don't want to. Pets, a favourite T-Shirt, inhibitions, anger, sometimes a friend. Letting go of anger is probably one of the hardest things to do, I would know. I am generally an angry person...I prefer the word passionate...but I've been told I'm angry. I think recently though that I've learned how to let go of some of that anger, and accepted that there are some things that just are not going to change.

A lot of letting go of anger is forgiveness...if you stop bringing up that incident that occured four years ago it might help a bit. Or just becoming a more "easy-going, less emotional" person helps too. The more you let go, the less that's going to piss you off. I have a friend who barely 'lets things go' and gets upset very easily, and through her I've learned it's important to pick your fights and some things are just not going to go your way. Now, she wouldn't be who she is if she wasn't like that and that's never going to change, I don't think I'd want it to. Picking your fights is an important thing, because if you fight over every little thing that happens then your relationships are going to be on edge a lot. And sometimes, they won't last as long as they should. Of course, there are some things that you just can't let go of or forgive, I am lucky to have experienced very little of these situations.

I find that a lot of anger is towards people I don't know, such as people who just walk into you on the street thinking that they own the sidewalk, people who ask ridiculously stupid questions in the middle of class ("What EXACTLY is a gene again Dr. Rye?"), those who cause all of the violence and hurt in our world and people who have a general lack of respect towards others. Is it really that hard to say excuse me if you accidentally bump into someone? Not really, I do it all the time. But I've realized that some people are just going to be jerks.

Recently I have forgiven someone for a situation in the past. I was very angry with this person and very upset, and it was affecting my relationships with people today. I found it was hurting me more than it was hurting him. Now this person and I have quite the history together; we were very close and basically a part of our everyday lives (saw each other basically everyday, talked if we didn't see each other, spent the night at each other's houses, etc). We ended up breaking up and I found something out that I wasn't impressed with because he lied to me about it. And it broke my heart. I basically cut this person out of my life, and at the time, it seemed like the best idea for both of us. We both moved on to new relationships (some better than others) and it was about eight months before we started talking again. I am glad that we did because I missed him in my life and he understands me in a way that some people just don't or can't. Sure I am still upset about the lying, but that's the way life goes.

Sometimes you just have to let it go.

I've learned...

2006-07-08T01:43:00.000-04:00

Alright, so I've decided to start a blog because I feel that there are some things I need to get off my chest.

These are some things that I've learned in my 22 years of life.

I've learned that:

1) the people I'm most grateful for in the world are my parents.

2) just being in the presence of your best friends can soothe your nerves and make you feel better.

3) there is nothing quite as remarkable or hilarious as a child's innocence.

4) I really really really HATE raw tomatoes, to the point where I almost gag when I see them. Yet I couldn't live without ketchup, pasta sauce and sundried tomatoes...weird.

5) when you are sad you should listen to happy music, not sad music. It's almost impossible to be sad when your feet won't stop dancing.

6) I believe my grandfather is my Guardian Angel.

7) there is nothing quite like spending a night in with the girls.

8) even though I'm happy that my friends have found someone that they love, that I'm secretly jealous of their boyfriends because they get to spend more time with my friends than I do.

9) I have the worst self-body image ever. I really wish I could see myself as my friends do...I think I'd like myself a lot more then.

10) I am eternally grateful for my parents doing these three things:

i) sending me to SMLS
ii) saving money for my university education
iii) spending money to fix my teeth. Nothing quite like a good set of teeth.

11) I will do almost ANYTHING to avoid confrontation.

12) sometimes confrontation is alright...and maybe even a good thing.

13) the pictures I like best of myself are the ones where I'm laughing.

14) I constantly worry about my friends being hurt (mentally, physicall and especially emotionally).

15) I am petrified for when my parents die because it means I will be alone in the world.

16) I believe there may not be someone out there for everyone, and even though that's a scary thought, it's ok.

17) I HATE calling people back on the phone...I just don't know what to say.

18) I am incredibly independent and that I will go to the point of avoiding people to be by myself.

19) I cry really easily...and that's ok.

20) I would rather break my own heart than someone else's...and I have.

21) nothing moves me like music does.

22) I like it when I make people laugh because it means that they are happy.

23) I feel honoured when someone talks to me about their problems because it means that they trust me.

24) I like my cat more than most people.

25) I am good at breaking and entering.

26) is a huge difference between the guys who call me 'Hot' and the ones that call me 'Beautiful'.

27) I am the biggest freaking procrastintor ever.

28) sometimes I put way too much pressure on myself because I believe I am my parents only hope.

29) if you don't learn your lesson about drinking too much after the fifth time of throwing up that you probably should stop drinking.

30) I'm glad I never got into drugs.

Well that's all for now! I will continue this list later...because I like it. And it's my blog, so I'm going to do what I want. lol.

later muffin.

A Glimpse Into The Mind.

Freedom is not an easy thing to come by.

*giggle*

really, quite pathetically sad.

it starts in my nose...

guaranteed to blow your mind.

you think you know...

lovestoned

curves in all the right places

i can't wait much longer

*le sigh*

you know I'll take you there.

"Oh....um....crap, she's not here right now, can I take a message?"

I Can't Believe It's Over

Bored = Bankrupt

touch my ass again and I will break your finger

"What do you want to do tonight?" "Let's go dancing!" "Good idea buddy!"

just a deep breath and you'll be fine.

oh, HELL no.

Sunscreen

Friend Making 101

mmmm I can smell the pretentiousness in the air

HAHAHA BUH BYE SRI LANKANS!

National Break-Up Week

fugly

Could possibly be the love of my life...

i love travel.

*single tear*

Good Body

A Litte Bit Awesome

Blogging is a sweet way to procrastinate.

Crying Girls Make Me Nervous

Never Been A Sinner, Never Sinned

This is what happens when I am BORED.

mmmmmmmm shopping. *drool*

Spencer Is A Dick

F That

Ugh, glycogen phosphorylase

So Delicious

Sweet! A Dead Animal!

I'm SO over it.

Ohhhh Pink Shoes!

EWWWWWWWWWWW.

Oh the humanity!!!!

I've Got A Fever Of One Hundred And Two

An Account Of Our Weekend Experiencing The Frigid North

McDreamy, McSteamy, McVet....and McBaldy

Proactiv Is The One For You!

And I Get Two Thumbs Up!

There's Always Room For...J-E-L-L-O.

Genetic Engineering = Awesomeness

You: On A Diet

Possibly the most random post EVER.

Holy Shit, It's 2007!

Just Some Random Shize...

Amusing Daily Moment

The Word Of The Day

Do I Know You? Because You May Know Me...

A Healthy Level of Insanity

Hello....God?

Hey It's OK...

One Ticket to Paradise

Lest We Forget

My Rant for the Day...

Hello, My Name Is...

If Only...

Did You Ever Really Care?

Is the Silence Deafening?

Three Thanksgiving Dinners May Be a Bit Excessive

A Tribute To Fluffy

I Got That Feeling...

Don't Talk About What You Don't Know

Water Pressure Can Do a Lot For a Person

Why Did I Let You Go Again?

A Pounding Headache in the First Week of School is Never a Good Thing

Suddenly I See Why The Hell It Means So Much To Me

Failure: 1, Jaime: 0

My Internal Organs are Having a Raging Debate.

To Mulch, Ben&Jerry's, Aftershock and DTM.

Score One For Peanut Butter and Chocolate.

giggle

le sigh

single tear

mmmmmmmm shopping. drool